Before saying "I do," ask yourself these five questions.
Why do smart women settle for Mr. Wrong? Let's take a look at one of my clients. Nina is a beautiful brunette with a magnetic personality. She has a large circle of friends and a fabulous social life. Why did this dynamic twenty-something give it all up to marry a compulsive liar?
"I was twenty-eight years old and all of my friends were getting married. We had dated for three years and I didn't want to waste all the time invested in the relationship. I also ignored the fact that he lied about everything. He lied about his college degree (he never graduated.) His resume was full of lies (he exaggerated and flat-out made things up.) He also lied to the police and said his car was stolen. (He arranged the theft himself for the insurance money.)" Why Is A Good Man So Hard To Find?
Why didn't she pay attention? "I convinced myself that it would all work out because he was from a nice family and we had similar backgrounds. I also believed that marriage was the commitment he needed to grow up and be a better person."
As you might guess, he didn't change. "We went to his company's Christmas party six months after our wedding. One of the guys he worked with pulled me aside and said, ‘You seem like a nice lady, but I think you should know that he's sleeping with his secretary.'" Nina was humiliated. "Why was I surprised by this? He showed me exactly who he was all along. I ignored the red flags of dishonesty and infidelity because I was so determined to get married." Nina is not alone. Women walk down the aisle with Mr. Wrong every single day. 12 Relationship Red Flags
Another client, Cindy, is a brilliant girl who was swept off her feet by Mr. Wrong. She was dazzled by her wealthy boyfriend; she didn't understand that his gifts of clothing, jewelry and makeup were not gifts at all. "He told me how to dress and what to wear. He took me to a high-end salon and changed my whole appearance—new haircut, new color—the whole works." In hindsight, she knows it was all about control. Why did this gifted woman go along with the extreme makeover? "This was the first time I had been so far away from my family and friends. I was lonely and vulnerable. I was attracted to him because he was attracted to me."
Cindy ignored her gut feelings and married him anyway. "After two years, I grew tired of his controlling ways and our mounting debt. After I filed for divorce, I found out we owned a racehorse! I also realized his best friend was a bookie." The signs were there all along, but Cindy ignored them. Don't make the same mistake.
Do you think you're in a relationship with Mr. Wrong? Ask yourself these 5 questions:
- What are the red flags in your relationship?
- Deep down, is your gut telling you to "get out?"
- Do you feel loved, cherished and respected?
- What will your life with him look like ten years from now? Be honest.
- Are you staying with him because you're afraid to be alone?
I tell my clients that a wedding won't magically transform Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right. I urge them to follow their gut feelings. Otherwise, they'll join the long line of unhappily married women sitting in a therapist's office somewhere wondering, "How did I get here?" What's Your Boyfriend Or Husband Criteria?
Written by Jennifer Gauvain for Betty Confidential.
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