12 Relationship Red Flags
Is he the one? Dating deal breakers you shouldn't ignore.
Not long ago, I met a very attractive single mother of two at a dinner party in Sag Harbor, New York. We were seated next to each other—a "soft" setup—and by dessert, we were punctuating our stories with little touches: her hand on my forearm, mine on hers. Good signs. Read: Blind Dates For Beginners
Then the first of her two children, a boy of about ten, descended from an upstairs TV room. In each hand he clutched an action figure. This in itself was not disconcerting. It was the way he slammed the action figures into each other, his upper lip curled in a sneer, that gave me pause—that, and the adoring look his mother chose to bestow on him as he did.
Still, D—, the boy's mother, was definitely worth a follow-up. A few days later, I drove over to the waterfront inn where she had encamped with her children for a brief summer vacation. The plan was a swim in the inn's pool, then lunch at a nearby restaurant: a little ersatz family outing. D— ushered me into her room and announced the obvious fact of my arrival to her children. Read: Babies in the Theater, on Date Night?
Neither the boy nor his sister, two years older, looked over from the droning television. Not a word emanated from either one's lips. D— told them to turn off the television and change into their swimsuits. They ignored her. So D— pretended she hadn't asked them, and went into the bedroom to change. Only when the grownups started to leave did the children drag themselves, sluglike, behind us.
The swim was bad enough, with both children glowering at the grownups from their pool chairs. But lunch was worse. No sooner had the waiter taken our order than the girl seized one of the action figures from her brother's fist and threw it across the restaurant. The boy screamed in outrage, hit his sister with the other action figure, then ran over to get the first one so he could hit her with that, too. As the sister returned fire with her fists, I turned to see what D— would do. "Now, come on, children," she said gently, lovingly, pleadingly. "Now, come on ... ."
Ten years (and one marriage) ago, I would have excused all this somehow, put it aside, and pressed on with a next date, because the mother, after all, was hot. No more. Well, all right, to be perfectly honest, I did ask her out on one more date, hoping her demon children would be more agreeable in their city home. They weren't. So that was that. After decades of ignoring red flags, only to sail into disaster each time, I've finally realized that no matter how gorgeous and alluring the new stranger is, you have to quit when a red flag goes up. As soon as it goes up.
Discussion
Ketchup on eggs is a flag? Why? Just because you personally don't think it tastes good? So, anything that a person likes to eat has to be exactly what you like/ dislike or it's a red flag? Give me a break. Stop being such a preppie. I take it your relationships are short-lived...
Passerby wrote: If I was to give birth or to adopt, I would love the child I gave birth to with a different love than the adopted child. There's always this distance with a child that is not your own. You don't see "YOURSELF" in the child and therefore you have to LEARN to love them"
Honey, since you don't have children, I guess you don't really understand. I've got bio kids and adopted kids and there is no difference in my love for them. Just the other day I was thinking about how glad I was that my daughter had nice thick hair just like her grandpa's. I had to laugh at myself when I remembered that she is adopted...and she and I are not even the same race - I am caucasian/hispanic and she is Asian. No difference in how I love her, her other adopted sibling, or her siblings that are my bio children. I loved her before I met her, and routinely forget that she is not of my flesh. But she is of my heart.
Okay, here are MY DEALBREAKERS - I hope you all find them useful:
1. Rude to waiters, etc. I agree with the author on this one.
2. Judgemental and critical of others all the time.
3. Tells all of his problems on the first date.
4. Blames all of his problems on other people.
5. Gay-basher or any-other-group basher. (not respectful of others)
6. Goes overboard on the foul language - anything more than the occasional curse word.
7. Name-dropper or the kind that always tells you how much something costs.
8. Can't hold an intelligent conversation and is not interested in anything educational.
9. Hates kids, or does not understand that sometimes you have to turn down a date because of something to do with your kids.
10. Abusive to animals. Kicks cats.
THOSE are the RED FLAGS I would run from. No doubt.
I like your list best. They're all pertinent items that I've found to be deal breakers-unfortunately it took me a while. But it wasn't 'HE's though, it was SHE's. Women are just as likely to have any of these character defects as men. With one exception though: #10. Funny how some women might not even really like kids, but they like CATS.
I can certainly agree with you on non-biological kids. I raised a daughter almost from birth that was not my biological daughter. NO parent could ever love their child MORE than, or as much, as I love MY LITTLE GIRL! She starts college in the fall.
But what's the deal with ketchup on eggs??? I, ...uh,..... ah,.......uhm,..... ........NO PROBLEM!
I hate to agree with the most recent comment...but, I totally disagree with the most recent comment. The superficial part of the discussion is the part where the only reason he kept going out with her was because she is "hot". It is obvious that her kids had no respect for adults, even the mother!? If her own kids do not have respect for her...what does that say about the respect she has for herself!? I have had my share of ignoring the red flags due to great sex, handsome guy, or what seemed to be the "perfect match" of a guy. And, believe it or not...this was all in one guy. What I have learned from that situation is...don't ignore anything that bothers you from the beginning. It will NOT go away...and only get worse. And, for that matter so will the relationship. Relationships are hard enough to start with...not to mention walking into one see things that bother you.
Obviously Mr. Shnayerson isn't "the one" for most women. His advice is laughable at best. He clearly lacks any real depth or understanding what it takes to have a successful and meaningful relationship, which is why after many years he is still single. He can come up with a bunch of ridiculous reasons to break up with someone because he never gets past the superficial. A red flag over ketchup on eggs? Bratty children? 10 minutes late to a date? Bad sex--hmmmm, maybe look in the mirror over this one...
I got news for you pal. As someone who's clearly a bit older, your dating prospects come with a lot of baggage--a lot. Most have been through a divorce, have kids, and busy schedules. Try to get past some dirty socks will ya'? If not, you're going to be an awfully lonely man in that expensive house in the Hamptons.
Michael, you are a combination of too metrosexual and a Woody Allen wannabe, compounded by being a Liberal and Liberal men treat women horribly in my experience. You will never find anyone to be involved with for more than a year or two. I am not talking about the ketchup on eggs thing, that is just put in to be provocative I'm sure. Stop thinking you are the guy from Sideways who will run into a very pretty woman who will be charmed by you, won't happen or at least not in the way you want. Be grateful for anyone who will put up with your persnicketyness. I do agree with you about demon kids and some other aspects, but 10 min. late is ridiculous, I would say 20 min late for three times deserves a sitdown talk, and maybe even termination, but find out the reason and set limits at that point such as another time more than 15 min late and it's over.
Your experience about "demon kids" really hit home. I can't say it was completely a red flag for me, as I was really fond of mom, but it probably would have become one if you know what you're talking about... How about this for a red flag...I once dated a woman I thought I really liked until she began biting off and spitting the ends of her finger nails during a movie. Yuuuk !!
The Hamptons? Amy and Wayne Hampton use to live in a double wide down the street but I heard they moved back to Arkansas.
I totally agree with the point that you have to stop a new relationship when the red flags appear. Maybe not one (or ketchup on the eggs) but when the signs point to "he's not the one" don't keep hanging on out of fear that he's the only one. That sets up a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Trust that there are more men out there and let the one with the red flags GO!
Hey, my husband puts ketchup on his eggs! I really don't care! I personally never liked
ketchup on eggs but whats the difference anyways? If it tastes good, why not? Or is there
some rule for passing gas after eating ketchup with eggs? My husband never passes gas
after eating ketchup with his eggs and ketchup with his eggs is an absolute must! He eats
eggs like almost every morning and there has to be ketchup, mayo, pickles, plus seasoning on his eggs! It sounds silly that someone would think eating food combinations can be a red flag! And everybody is different, you always have to look at what the author says in light of who he is. People have their own opinions and this could be the experience he gathered that
would fit "HIS" particular situation in life and not "EVERYBODY'S"!
Real parents always love their own children much more, no matter how much a new parent
tries. The children always remind the partner of his/her partners previous partner and that
could be bothersome. But when you have made a mistake not possible to correct, you have to choose the best possible solution, whichever that may be.
Just do some research on children and step-mom's and dads. Sometimes children deslike the person and act out because they feel the person's deslike for them! Children have feelings, they want their original mommy and daddy together because that's who loves them the most, like themselves.
If I was to give birth or to adopt, I would love the child I gave birth to with a different love than the adopted child. There's always this distance with a child that is not your own. You don't see "YOURSELF" in the child and therefore you have to LEARN to love them.
Passerby..I 'deslike' your comments on love and adopted children; they're offensive. You don't have any children yet comment about what you are 'sure' you would do/feel as a 'real' parent. Here's a life lesson for you.... most times, it's best to reserve your opinions for when you are actually experiencing the situation. Do your research then, otherwise, how can you REALLY know what you would do in ANY situation? Step-parenting is much different that adoptive parenting. If you need to see 'yourself' in 'your' child to love them deeply...well...just what is THAT really saying?
I recommend reading the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris and then "Boy
Meets Girl" by the same author. Don't blow someone off just because they are not good with
sex or the way you want it done. Read a book on the subject with the person, there are books without images as well, numerous books written on this subject. You have to discuss it with
the partner, now if you are comparing them to your previous partner then you need to blame
that only on yourself. You are experienced, you know what you want, if you have to explain
what you want they may get upset because it will remind them of your past relationships.
So just stop with the blame game, sex takes practice, and it has to be studied, but the best
sex is when two people are pure and they are really interested in each other. No amount of
experience with sex is going to solve your inner desires to be desired and wanted. Now trying
to stay pure might make you more attractable in sex. Maybe the reason the other party is
so bad is because you are this"EXPERT", you know all the in's and out's and they are just
not that level, maybe if they had been, you would not be their best candidate for sex either, which, in my opinion, that would be the case. The more I know about sex the less "EXPERIENCE" interests me because I would be willing to work alongside someone who was willing to learn with me what I like and dislike. Now I think a partner who is willing to learn is a much better asset than someone who is so experienced they know it all. Well if you are so experienced....I do recommend that you get someone JUST AS EXPERIENCED to SEE FOR YOURSELF what you are doing to someone else! You DESERVE IT!
I've read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and it has nothing to do with being an expert on sex and everything to do with "courting" so young people aren't "tempted" to have sex. It was a terrible book that is completely out of touch with culture and reality and completely misreads the evolution of culture. Joshua Harris is blinded by nostalgia for a time when women were forced into marriages for money , excuse me....women were treated as sacred holy vessels? The book "From the Front Porch to the Back Seat" shows how this nostalgia for courting is misplaced. And actually the idea of dating emphasizes monogamy more than courting ever did.
I'm a 55 year old Army Veteran. I am Divorced, lasted 24 years, 11 months and 22 days, Widowed she died of type 1 diabetes complications, friend, lover, drinking partner and absolute partner. I miss her dearly. 7 years, 5 months and 27 days Best time of my life until now. found one my age era. A fellow trekkie. a reader, thinker and highly opinionated. Me I'm a strong willed, college educated mechanical engineer. hardened combat veteran. I agree with the 12 points. Seen em Lived them a time or two. there is one more. When she tells you a story and her friends tell you a different one. Its a red flag if it happens because a grasp of reality is missing. I'm a Gemini, shes an Aries. We fit very well in all we do together. We listen while the other talks. We laugh, cry and generally bull s**t with each other like very old friends. She's close to my age thats all I'll say. We had a working relationship that turned into a LOVE Affair that other people noticed first. True love sneaks up on you and blossoms. Its real when you can both agree on the important stuff. At a Bar or resturant I can order for her she me. I can anticipate her needs, she mine. We give each other space. There is no-one else in either of our lives. Just wait friends it comes. 3rd time a charm.
I think that the majority...oh,hell, who am I kidding...all of these are a good beginners guide to red flags. Made in a humorus way, of course. I hate people who put ketchup on their eggs, and I'm dating someone who does this. It's bad when a person has egg gas(we all get it..admit it!) but it smells even worse if the eggs were eaten with ketchup!UGH! Let's just say, this guy has been showing red flags(almost all that you mentioned!) since we've dated, and he's on his way out the door.
To all who are single-print it, keep in in your wallet, and never let this go. Red flags may differ from person to person, but I think this list is something we can all agree on.
Unless you like people who eat eggs with ketchup,have a bad relationship with their parent(s), and constantly wear dirty clothes.....UGH!
Mama J
"Chronic lateness" means 10 minutes late? I never would have even met some of my nicest partners if THAT was a red flag. I just learned to tell them they needed to show up a half an hour before they really did.
Rudeness to waiters -- spot-on. A Great red flag.
Fling-o-matics -- I guess it depends on what you want. Three months, on occasion, has been exactly what I wanted and what I got.
Demon children -- spot-on again. Never worth it.
Bad sex -- the ultimate deal-breaker. Most people don't know the difference until they've been around a bit, though. When I was 25, there was no such thing as bad sex.
I wouldn't want to get involved with a guy who has a child either and I love my parents. I've done it before and they ARE an encumbrance, whether they're bad or not. I'd make the concession if had children of my own - but I don't. For a woman who still has plenty of options children are a deal breaker.
The Demon Children rule, you have got to give some room to that, I got divorced last year and then my children 8 and 6, both girls lost their grandfather whom they were very close to. Yes, I would say there has been a fair amount of acting out, especially given the fact their father bad-mouths me constantly. They are great kids, creative, great in school, very well behaved in public, but at home we have had some struggles, you cannot make a blind statement without looking at all the circumstances. I have been dating a man for sometime and just introduced him to my children, I do not think you should even involve the children in your dating life until a relationship has been well established, any other way could be more painful to the children, what are people thinking?
I have three children. And I am divorced. So, when their dad calls (which is once every 4-5 months), they act out. they are angry with him and they have to let it out somehow. However, my kids are very respectful of me and they are well-behaved. I get so many compliments on them! And my boyfriend handles them very well....and the problems we have! So, you need to include some leniency in this red flag!
I had to quit reading your article because it was so lame.
Red flag because of ketchup on eggs? You are a clueless man. There should be a red flag on a man that says "gross." That's my red flag. You are too descriptive and particular to be a real man. If I dated you, I'd feel like a lesbian.
I have not once heard anyone mention the fact that the children just need a father figure and if you are not the one who wants children, you should not even date a woman with children. Those children not having a positive role model and guy to look up to could be why they are so rebellious, so if you have a problem with it, fix it, and dont cry to the world about little flaws that tell us why you are divorced and alone anyways.
Ok, I can agree with chronic lateness and I think that it goes hand-in-hand with breaking plans. Once or twice is ok, but after the third time, it's time to bolt.
I don't agree with ketchup on eggs...that's just someone's preference. I put "seasoning salt" on my eggs and french toast. I'm weird, but it's my food - not yours.
I agree with being rude to service workers. I've been one. I know that they're just trying to do their job, and someone being an ass to them is a total turn-off for me.
Scary divorce/breakup stores I can also agree with. There is no need in filling in a new date about all of your battle wounds, save it.
I have two Beagles, and they're my children. I love my dogs and if someone was mean to them...they'd get the boot. Some people are animal lovers and that's just how it is, get over it.
Fling-o-matic: Some people just aren't commitment material.
Demon children - I don't have children and my #1 RULE is that I DON'T DATE MEN WHO HAVE CHILDREN. I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not your Mother or your babysitter. I simply don't date men with children, sorry.
Money matters - I only date men who are employed, and until we're "exclusive" I expect him to pick up the tab. Once we're actually dating, I don't mind pitching in or picking up dinner for a night in...but I don't date cheap men either.
Parent trap - I can agree with this to a certain extent. However, I don't like people who bad-mouth their parents. I love my parents and had a great childhood. Seriously, unless you were beaten, malnourished, and molested... it couldn't have been that bad. I'm talking to a guy (now) who grew up with both parents in the military... he had a crappy childhood with limited amounts of time to "be a kid" he jokes that the "Jack Russell out-ranked him and his brother" - He's humorous about it, but he's let me know that his childhood wasn't a walk-in-the-park.
Bad sex - I disagree with a lot of the comments about this one. I like good sex, and it doesnt have to be, slap me, beat me, and call me Edna kind of good sex, but if he really sucks in bed... Sorry, not for me.
Lastly, I've never paid attention to any man's underwear or socks. Me - I hardly ever wear socks and I like cute underwear!
I've been flagged because of my kids twice. Once, when they were 8 & 11 and the guy was 32, divorced and didn't have kids. Those that don't have children always have opinions about how single parents rear their kids. They don't have the first CLUE what's in a small child's head, and they spend most of the time criticizing the parent because the kids aren't under tight control. Kids are naturally suspecious of "Mommy's new friend" and need some time and to share some events with the new friend to really decide if they're going to be nice or nasty. Kids aren't a bit forgiving either. If you hurt their Mom, or make her cry, you're as good as gone. It's a rare parent that would choose a mate over their children and if they did, that would be a HUGE red flag.
My second time getting flagged, my kids were 22 & 24. This guy was a father (52) who saw his two kids once or twice a month and had zero responsiblity for their day to day lives. He was always broke, so his father paid his child support. My kids weren't mean to him, but they intimidated him. I have a great relationship with my kids,, mainly because I remember being a kid myself. I've learned to pick my battles with the kids and not harp on every screw up or play head games about who is in control. I'm not their friend, and I have earned their respect. They never acted out harshly in their teens and have compassion for others. They worked hard in college, stayed away from drugs and the big party life, and are going to make excellent parents themselves someday.
In both cases, the kids were RIGHT and the guy wasn't worth my time. I finally was able to recognize my "savior"type personality which caused me to drag home strays. I first thought that the kids weren't concerned with my happiness, but have come to realize that I'm naive in certain ways and that they are protecting me. I'm not stupid, by any stretch. I just expect that someone will be truthful to me because integrity is important to me. Sadly, that's not always the case with people and they will lie, cheat & steal their whole lives.
I also disagree with the bad sex flag. There can be poor communication, but if you're not having good sex, that's YOUR problem, and it should be discussed. I agree with a lot of the other people that posted that the red flags that you wrote about are really more "pet peeves" then anything else. You come off as a spoiled brat with a huge sense of entitlement. Lucky for you, there's another bimbo just around the corner for you to pick apart! I think I'll check out the "Don't date him girl" site to see how many times you've been listed.
@ Shorty09 * sexy0021 * JRL3 & Mariam.. Thanks for your wise reply ;-)
Recently I stopped dating a girl because she was hurt by my sarcastic jokes and she could not accept them either.. I told her she must feel really bad and it never was my intension to hurt her. I also told her it makes me feel really bad knowing shes hurt. Thats why I apologized to her. If I knew she was this sensitive and did not like these kind of jokes, I would not have made them..
Anyway, now she does'nt want to give us a try which I can understand cause she's hurt.. But as JRL3 says it takes a little give and take etc etc
Its still weird to know she still visits my myspace and becomes jealous of other girls that talk to me haha.. Well, there are enough fish in the sea and Im not going to force her to make up with me.. So maybe this is her Red Flag for me.. She's been hurt to often by other guys and runs for the hills at the "slightest" annoyance or discomford...
Maybe she can't make a compromise.
To bad because compromises can make two people grow with love and mutual respect toward one another...
Thanks Guys Yall Are Very Helpful..
God Bless
I was expecting something totally different from this article. All these so-called "Red -flags” are nothing but personal dislikes. It takes a while for kids to open up to mommies "new friend"; sorry that’s just how it is. Everything this author said could be rightly justified in some way. Red Flags is when a man/women become to possessive, calling you every second. A Red flag is when they treat your parents disrespectfully on purpose. I feel as if this article was nothing more than personal pet peeves. Next time I advise you to make an article that is actually helpful and transcends culture, ethnicity act.
--Also very distasteful talking about "Bad sex", have some decency will you?
A little tip for you; start looking at some ones heart and mind first. Talk to them for a couple months before taking it to the sheets on date number 4. REDFLAG! Really get to know the person and only talk to them for martial reasons. I mean don’t try to hook up someone just because there “hot” Once again TOTAL REDFLAG. You should talk to a person for a real reason for friendship and martial relations. Maybe when you start taking someone seriously they’ll start taking you seriously. Just a personal thought….
That was all that you saw in her? Was her hotness? Jeez, guys these days need to think about alot of things now a days. Before a guy would date a girl if he liked her personality and not just her looks. But n-e ways, you need to learn how to accept a lose when a red flag comes up. Don't keep on seeing her if you know that the only thing that you like about her is her looks.
Red Flag 2 me would be someone who publishes an article such as this. Opinions are great but sometimes they are better kept to one's self. Everyone is different and we all need to learn from our own experiences. Generalizations are weak, cruel and prejudice.
I hope this author spends the same amount of time analyzing his own weaknesses and lifestyle as he does in perspective partners! He began with a comment about D's parenting skills but I lost all respect when I read the Ketchup on Eggs comment then the Bad Sex comment. Maybe you might acknowledge that it takes TWO to have poor sex and maybe she is red-flagging YOU on another site or blog. I would love to read that one.
Number One on that list would invitably the Unwillingness to work at and developed a healthy relationship.
Number Two may be poor communication skills- he never communicated to me what bothered him or how we may improve our partnership- he just would stare at me awkwardly when I ate my breakfast.
Number Three may be Poor Sex- the first time was awkward for both of us but the next 4-5 times he just lied there like a dead fish and expected me to pleasure him- Hell he wouldn"t even tell me what he preferred and then embarassed me by writing and tellin others I was bad in bed.
The list goes on my friend- My point is we all perceive things differently and our levels of sensitivity to various scenarios differ. Let us be our own judge and experience it first-hand.
Some of us are more willing to work at building and enhancing a healthy relationship and have better communication skills. Those who criticize, over-analyze others behaviors, wave red flags for others to see,and are quick to transfer blame on a broken relationship- IN MY OPINION- should look in the mirror first before pulling out a pen and paper or laptop.
I was actually told that a red flag was marrying another ethnicity- I married my recently ex-wife who is Asian (Guyanese) and enjoyed 6 awesome children and 22 years together. So to me, red flags from others I find offensive and selfish in many ways.
I put Tobasco sauce on my eggs by the way- is that a red flag for you or will you classify that as a RED-HOT flag?????????????????????
These are all redflags in the opinion and viewpoint of one person. Everyone is different and everyone has different expectations and quirks. Any of these issues can be overcome with trust,patience and hardwork. If whoever you're with is worth sticking it out to you then stick it out by all means. Help them change and improve and if they don't then let them go. Look at someone for what they can be not for what they are at that moment or that first impression. I have a bad habit of looking angry when I'm not so alot of first impressions for me don't go so well but then people find out that I'm a nice and laidback person and the expressionless look on my face is probably becuase I'm in deep thought becuase I tend to ponder aimlessly quite often. Take all these articles on this site and any site or magazine with a grain of salt. Take what you need and leave the rest. No one is perfect and love or what you may call love shouldn't revolve around looks and sex alone. If you wanna say yeah whatever to that well go ahead and spend the rest of your life running from relationship to relationship. It's a two-way street, give and take. It takes a little sacrifice and accepting someones flaws becuase you care and love that person. If u wanna play by all means be a player if u don't then don't there is no in between. We all have quirks it's what makes us unique. I think the fact that my gf is a vegetarian is cool becuase it has opened my mind to healthy eating and it makes me wanna better myself. Is a woman being extremely picky at restaurants because she wants a vegetarian dish a redflag? No it just takes a little getting used to(I still eat meat in front of her and she accepts that).
Ray Cougar, you are my new hero.
I can't believe whoever it was that claimed these comments were more interesting than the article. Frrel? At least the article tried to keep it light. All I'm seeing here is high school monkey babble. Anyone read the introduction?
As for you, single, divorced man with children who wrote this piece... I applaud you for learning your own likes, dislikes, and red flags. They are different for each of us. The point is that we figure out the banners of those intolerable attributes/behaviors/psychoses and stop acting like they won't return later on as the unrelenting pain in our a**es.
Personally, I'm with you on more than half of the dirty dozen. Esp freak lady with the cigar and pizza. Ew.
It appears that you desire someone with a dependable sense of reason, someone who is emotionally grounded, genuinely considerate, responsible, and fun. Good luck to you and the rest of us. Especially me, as I I'm running late to yet another appointment.... ;)
I eat my scrambled eggs with ketchup thank you very much! And I make an excellent girlfriend too! Of course everyone has bad past relationship experiences- that's why they are in THE PAST and the person is now dating again! This article is stupid and very UN-revelational. Two thumbs DOWN.
red flag? We stopped sleeping together, and then she blamed my snoring on moving into the spare room to sleep- my fault I just could not get horny anymore with her after she accused me of treating her like a "mother" well maybe she was right she was 4 years older- and I did become way too dependant on her- but now I get a fresh piece 2 times a month- I know thats sad but it does me good enough, if I could afford more I would have it 2 times a week. But the sex is sensational with a fresh piece evrytime!
Scary divorce stories. Hmmm.
What if all I do is tell the truth? I have been married twice, and both times my wife brought home an STD. The first marriage was a year, the second for ten years. I have had no contact with the first, but I have a lot of contact with the second as she is the mother of my children.
I don't tell most people about my last ex-wife's infidelities or the STD. I divorced her because she wouldn't stop seeing other men. It was her third marriage. She is now on her fourth.
I don't know if this is a scary divorce story or not.
oh my god im undateable as are most people i know. i have a small dog i do comfort, i do have past romantic experiences that have upset me. i like for a guy to pay most of the time. my parents do matter to me. i speak back to rude service people. the only thing i don't do are have bad sex or dirty socks and underwear. oh and i don't have kids and dont like ketchup on eggs but think this is a regional / cultural thing - not even a class issue. this guy seems to want a really bland milquetoast edgeless mannequin. why is he allowed to write for vanity fair - or for you for that matter? this is ridiculous. i agree with mika. this guy is an idiot. its so easy to be clever or accurate with this kind of article topic. hire me next time.
I happen to like the taste of ketchup on eggs, or salsa ... if they're scrambled, that is. I guess Mr. Shnayerson would never consider ne as a worthwhile person to know, but perhaps he should consider that most people learn to like stuff like that when young. At least I don't put it on steaks. :-D
Now THAT would be gross.
Ketchup on eggs is a problem?
You, sir, are obviously not from Pittsburgh.
i looooooooooooooooooove Ketchup on eggs.
We are not a match. DEFINITELY
I can't believe no one has mentioned this one, but I think that you're making a big mistake ruling out angry chicks. Hello. Ever heard of hate sex? Sure, the relationship is over as soon as you think about what things will be like in 20 years, but it was probably a good, crazy ride.
Red Flag addendum:
1) Ketchup on eggs is fine. Ketchup on ice cream is an abomination. Run for the hills.
2) Your date's young boy slamming action figures together with an angry, curled lip is slightly tolerable. When your date's kid slams two pieces of his own feces together, curled lip and all, make a b-line for the door.
3) Snuffing out a smoke in a piece of pizza crust is a sign of low-class. But when she snuffs a smoke out on her forearm, she might be a rockstar... with an STD.
4) If she passes audible gas at the dinner table, but follows it up with, "Woah, did you see that squirrel on the skateboard?", you've got yourself a keeper.
5) If she reads Perez Hilton, and takes offense when you call him a no talent hack, she's no good.
6) If she conflates your disdain for the Today Show with being a male chauvinist, show her the door.
7) If he doesn't vehemently reject the idea of seeing the latest Diane Keaton movie on Friday night of the opening weekend, he's gay. Total dealbreaker.
8) If he believes "I Want it That Way" by Backstreet Boys is the best-produced pop song of the late 90s... dealbreaker.
9) If he or she ever uses the phrase "I'm kind of a big deal," tell them the deal is done because, "it is what it is".
10) If she can't articulate her dislike for Hillary Clinton beyond regurgitated talking points from pundits? Done.
11) If she's voting for Barack Obama because she thinks he's cute? Revoke her voter registration card and show her the door.
12) If she pays $200 for a haircut and her hair doesn't look any different than it did when you last saw her? Throw a sawbuck on the table and hightail it out of the restaurant.
dear michael,
(1) how long was your longest relationship? are you currently in one? (2) ketchup on eggs is a personal preference much like putting salt or pepper on any food. (3) its 2008, with a divorce rate of 50%, its ridiculous to assume that single people today wont have issues with their parents or (re: women who haven't had relationships over 3 months) that women may have commitment issues. what you fail to realize is that both women (and for the sake of staying positive) and men are just looking for a person who will accept and love each for who we are, and who we want to become. if your happy with yourself, than you can overlook someones imperfections, encourage them to give up their bad habits, and support your partner with love. if you need an ego boost, id be happy to give you a pep talk... as long as its unrelated to your abilities as a romance columnist.
yo i stopped reading after you nixed ketchup on eggs. there is nothing better than scrambled eggs with a pool of ketchup to dip them in. and for that matter, ketchup is also especially delicious with hash browns and home fries. mmmmmmmm ketchup.
i take great offense with the egg/ketchup point... what about the rancheros for brunch, or the cubed tomatoes and cheddar omelet, and the Tabasco sprinkle on your scrambbled... all these are perfectly acceptable, why should ketchup and eggs be any different?
I love ketchup on eggs with hash browns all smooshed together and really, seriously hate both my parents. No wonder I elected to stop dating 8 years ago. It's not them, it's me! (lol, I wish the writer a lot of luck because all relationships are a nightmare. The ones that "work" are where one person is willing to suck it up in spite of being miserable because of their fear of being alone.)
This advice is proof that any idiot can call themselves an expert and write bogus advice on the internet that unsuspecting rubes will take as gospel truth. Ketchup on eggs is a regional taste. It is very common in NYC, where if you ask for an egg sandwich, the customary question is "do you want salt, pepper and ketchup on that?" I suppose all of us Easterners who like ketchup on eggs are weird then? That just goes to show you the quality of this kind of advice. This guy has obviously not lived enough to know about regional tastes in food much less does he know anything about giving out dating advice! My advice to him is grow up first and get some life experience before spewing your personal preferences as so-called "red flags". And yes, I am 50 years old, have a ton of dating experience AND a PhD in Psychology to back up that comment. And in case you're wondering, I'm married and in a stable relationship with a wonderful man. But I didn't meet him listening to stupid advice like this!
Here's another thought - How about huevos rancheros? Eggs smothered in salsa. How come that isn't a red flag? I can see why so many people took offense at your comment. This preference is not about class but about regional tastes. But I think you made it about what you see as low class. You're a closet food snob. I think that's a worse red flag than any condiment one could ever put on an egg. It's no wonder you have 30 years of dating experience. What does that say about YOU? That's a major red flag right there, LOL. Run for the hills, ladies!!
I'm a middle aged woman, raised in the northeast, and I "get" the turnoff re ketchup on eggs. Huevos rancheros? Green light. For many, ketchup is a flavor squelcher. I am into trying new foods (not wildly risky but I definately get bored with same ole, same ole) and my experience is that ketchup on eggs and steak is someone who isn't particularly into a variety of flavors. Now the 10 minute late rule? From a guy dating women from NYC? No wonder he's still single. In my case, I habitually run late. It has nothing to do with my feelings for the man. You might abhor tardiness, fine, but don't assume it means I'm not interested. It might mean I'm so interested that I take extra care. I've been happily married 20 yrs to a man who is chronically early. It works. We bring each other to the middle.
This whole ketchup on eggs thing...c'mon. This article has a certain - how you say? - tongue in cheek tone to it, particularly the ketchup on eggs "flag." My god, who knew people were so passionate about a breakfast food. Or maybe, considering how emotional people have gotten over a little thing like this - maybe this should be another red flag added to the list: "anyone who gets upset about someone else's red flags about eggs should be a red flag." I've added it to my list.
Children, children, children! I thought this was an adult-based rating! Who cares about ketchup & eggs? Obviously the cigerette-dashing date (and yes, I smoke) had no respect for her date OR herself by acting like a pouting,rebellious teen....and she's old enough to stop blameing it on the parents! (I assume she has a mind of her own....!!??!!)
I loved it...and enjoyed the comments... from all the ketchup lovers LOL
I read this once before on Yahoo personals and I still feel the same way, it's an excellent article. It's really for folks who are picky, it's all about truthful about what you want. Think about each piece and relate it to some personal experience you may have had. The flags are there we just refuse to acknowledge them.
the ketchup thing doesn't have to be taken seriously. The whole article's kindof tongue-in-cheek; it's fun, but you can't take it at face value + word4word
article had some good stuff but too much fluff (i.e. the ketchup). I agree about the pet one, especially when they show up in the bed at the worst time. That he asked the woman with the demon children for a 3rd date is appalling. That's too much work for sex, buddy! He could've gone into greater depth on the "anger hum" as some people can be very nice one minute and then turn ugly really quickly. Think the writer is a lazy hamptonite who needs to get off his ass and dig deeper.
There is something to be said for sharing basic food preferences. Among my red flags are: a man who refers to himself as a "free spirit", a man who asks for a ride on the first date, and anyone who does not take pride in the work he does.
I found the comments more interesting and entertaining than the article.
What happened to food etiquette? Why do you think there is something wrong with it? There are certain times when you should practice a little class, and NOT put catsup on anything whilst dining in a fine establishment. To do so screams "I am trailer trash" to the world! Now, if you don't care that youare blatantly screaming your lack of food etiquette to all the world, go fot it! Be yourself! Hell, while your'e at it, write comments about this topic, in caps, and misspell as many words as only you know how! Can't wait to see the responses to this one.
The author never said that they were in a "fine establishment." What he did say is that it is always wrong and nothing good can come from it. To me, he is majoring on a minor. If someone likes ketchup (or catsup for those of you pretending to be 'refined') it's their choice to eat it. If you judge them for it, then you're the one with the problem!
Alright... I find the 'ketchup on eggs' comment, along with most other readers, to be totally ridiculous. You have overshadowed what good, serious information that can be taken from this article by revealing yourself to be a shallow, flaky individual who could be the source of the "13th Red Flag.. Beware of guys who judge you by what kind of food you eat!" What a goof!
This is a light-hearted, yet informative article. Not bad, some good advice in there. But even better are the vitriol-soaked comments from (Let me guess..) angry women that feel entitled to behave as less than adults- yet have the clarity to criticize. Write your own articles if you don't like it, instead of moping about how "Men suck", lard-ass.
Every person is different. Every date is different. Every list of red flags therefore is different. We are all different from everyone out there. Each of us needs to formulate our own list of 12 red flags and carry that list with us. My list is too far big to carry with me. From the "blind butcher" to the guy who paid for the lunch with a "gift card", we all have our own experiences. Carry an open mind (to watch for those red flags); but more importantly, carry an open heart (don't fall in love in the first date, but learn from it afterwards).
I think this whole magazine or whatever it is is ridiculous and creates drama for men to be the victims in relationships. Get over it, stop being so lazy expecting women to do everything for your lazy asses. Show up for your girlfirends and wives and stretch yourselves to be full partners and men. That is what I call a REAL MAN. These kinds of scenarios you report about are smokescreens to the real issues that men want to be coddled and that is crap because women want that too. you men should be ashamed of yourselves for saying you are such great catches yet you are so superficial.
Yeah, you have got to be the most shallow man on earth if you can't handle a girl that takes ketchup on her eggs....I would never judge a guy based on what he eats. I find caviar disgusting, but if he wants to eat it, more power to him...however, if he wants to kiss me after, he will need to brush up. But this says NOTHING about who he is. What the hell?! This author is a total imbecile!
I believe the author is trying to convey the message that we as singles should not put our blinders on in the search for Mr. or Ms. Right. I think we put the desire of finding someone ahead of finding the right someone, and in the long run it does neither party any good.
A generally good article, but the ketchup comment was useless, and I don't think that a 35 year-old who hasn't had a long-term relationship is necessarily a red flag---did it occur to you that some have not had LTR precisely because they don't bother to stick around to work on red flags? Its better to be single and free than attached and miserable. My grandfather always said that if you're constantly trying to force a relationship to work, then you should let it go, it just isn't going to work. Life is short, and we only get one, so why not enjoy it with suitable people without waiting on "the one?" I've never had a LTR, and I am completely content being single and free---if I encounter someone suitable, then I'll date...until then, I'm having FUN!
I think this article is SO-SO. Some of it is just silly and way too narrowed down to be good advice. I don't mind the sense of humor, but I wasn't really looking for it when I saw this article. I was looking for some serious red flags. So next time, make it clear which mood you're really going to give to us.
I think this entire article is a joke. I have been married for almost 40 years and I can tell you, people change on a daily basis. The problem today is no wants to work at a relationship. Its to easy to walk away. Your first red flag should be for yourself. If you not mature enough to work at life daily then you should be alone and not get other people involved in your problems. Beleive me it changes on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis and its always different. You have to beleive in yourself before you can beleive in others. If I had read this article 40 years ago I might still be singel today.
If you don't have enough experience to compare good and bad sexuality, you aren't ready to marry.
Good ideas, a little hard to sort out the humorous from the serious. This subject needs to be better explored. I married a control freak and spent 33 years till the kids were grown regretting my rash decision. All the signs were there, but I wasn't thinking about red flags. To avoid my painful experience, read a lot of this sort of artical, introspect your own needs, and talk about your partner's expectations and values. How important is sex, how should kids be disciplined, with who's family will you spend the holidays, is it the man's responsibility to produce the income, where will you live and how will you decorate the house, how much socializing will you do separately and together, . Incompatibiliy in areas such as these should be reconciled before it's too late to change your mind, and lowering your standards or expecting basic needs will change or become less important, in order to marry sooner, is a big mistake.
I love catsup with my eggs. And with lots of other foods. I think "weird obsessions with things that mean nothing like someone who is a certain astrological sign, or someone who likes interesting food combinations like catsup and eggs" - is a RED FLAG.
Cool article, but seriously, the eggs & ketchup ( a little over the top?!)...LOL....oh and I think I figured who it was that put the cigarrete out on the pizza....Ms. Capital letters over on 5/7...LOL....keep up the good work! sc
Certainly, being a woman Republican is the biggest red flag of all--for the Republican
About BAD sex...IF you KNOW the difference between good sex and BAD sex...RUN...do not walk...
I stayed...kept thinking he would get the hint...he didn't he was SURE he was THE BEST......NOT...
I only wish I had these flags before my first marriage not after my third divorce..I agree with all of them My eyes have been opend and the flags are in my purse !!!
Well, I am going to take some of the 12 relationship flags as a tongue in cheek type of prose.
Most of the people I've met that have been single for a long time would probably agree with the author. These people will probably stay single for it is not about making a connection with the heart but in being rightous!
I wouuld think that you could come up with serious relationship deal breakers like.... I have good job in Boston and you want to move to California to pursue an acting career .... hmmmm,
California IS nice this time of year.....
I DEMAND THAT THIS DUDE GIVE ME BACK THE 8 WASTED MINUTES OF MY LIFE THAT I SPENT READING HIS RETARTED ARTICAL! I THINKS DEEP DOWN INSIDE HE'S REALLY GAY(DOESN'T IT SOUND LIKE THE BLOND GUY FROM FAB 5).THATS WHY YOU HAVEN'T FOUND THE RIGHT WOMAN BUDDY...YOU'RE SHOPPIN' IN THE RIGHT ISLE BUT WRONG DEPARTMENT.
I thought it was a good article, except for the Ketchup and eggs bit, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard
First I would like to mention that I happily do not fall into 11 of your 12 "categories".
I like ketchup on my eggs, and you are quite simply, an idiot and a bafoon.
Have fun being single with your ketchup-less eggs.
children from a previous marriage will always interfere with a perffect relationship...misbehaved
children will definetely brake it....unless the step-parent is made out of steel and is madly in love to go through any test or sacrifice.
The red flag should have gone up after the first date. The child was acting out what his true sentiments are for an outsider. This single mom would be wise to wait till her children are past their teens before she goes a hunting.
The second date was a clear indication that D is in denial about the problems confronting her. To start the children have not learned manners and any man that takes on this herculean feat would be walking straight into the lions cage.
I would also add to the list a disturbing attachment to ex-spouse/girlfriend. If they haven't really closed things emotionally from a past relationship you don't have a chance. My current relationship is with a divorced guy with 3 troubled daughters. I didn't meet them early in our relationship. They are fine with me but they act out to hurt his feelings all the time. He seems baffled by their actions but I remind him that their behavior didn't start overnight. This is somewhat of a red flag- I'm still hanging in there because I love him. It's not a deal breaker just yet. We'll see.