New Math for Sexual Accounting


 New Math for Sexual Accounting

You’re breathing heavily, buttons are coming undone, and the temperature is definitely rising when he asks, “So, how many other guys have you “been” with?” What is about men wanting to quantify everything from the number of tools in their garage to sex partners? I avoid this question for the obvious reason:  any answer I give will be wrong. It will also open the door for them to give me their statistics, which is the last thing I care about unless it signals a risk to my health.


If he’s really into numbers, you need to apply the principles of new math before uttering a sound. Here’s the formula that will give you the true answer.

X = S (People you’ve had sex with) – P (pity fucks + stuffies +penises smaller than a cat’s paw)

N = X – ½ W (everyone for whom you can only recall a first or last name.) Subtract 10 for vagrants.)

M = N – A (anarchy sex, i.e., sex you engaged in just to spite “The Man”)

Z= M divided by G (partners who bore an uncanny likeness to Emma Goldman)

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