If it weren't for the covers of women's magazines like Glamopolitan, my time standing in grocery lines would be spent reading the copy on my frozen dinners. It's amazing how reading "succulent tenderloins cradled by fluffy mashed potatoes" makes a meal squeezed out of a nozzle and flash frozen taste that much better. It was standing in line with my pathetic pyramid of bachelor food that I learned that there are, like, 1,342 different ways to drive me wild. Read: 5 Things I Wish I Knew About Sex at 30
And here I was, thinking there was only one, 100% guaranteed way to drive me wild, and that was to touch my penis. At this juncture, I'd like to state that I'm also speaking for all of dudekind. Sweeping gender platitudes is what I do. So take the ice cube out of your mouth, the feather out of my ass, and go for the gold. Is there a Nobel Prize for sex advice? I'd like to thank you all.
The subtext of these articles is pretty simple: "Learn these sex tips or he will cheat on you." That is one of the main reasons women consume this same old prattle over and over again. Your insecurities are preyed upon, and you're convinced that if you don't learn how to solve a Rubik's Cube with your vagina while both your legs are behind your head, that your man will become bored, and run off with Amethyst from Jiggle Dome down the street. If you are naked, and into us, then ladies, consider us driven wild. We don't need your hummingbird tongue all over our neck, or upside down oral sex, or our prostate milked. Unless, of course, we ask you very nicely. But we probs won't. Read: Why We Fantasize And What's Normal
I'm not saying we react negatively to your loving attempt to "spice" things up in the bedroom. On behalf of all dudekind, we appreciate your trying to make us happy. Truly, we don't deserve it. But since we're all in an honest place right now, let me ask this question: are you reading these sex tips for us because you want to be driven wild?
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Written by John DeVore for The Frisky.
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