Winning Him Back: Should You Do It?
Should you get back together with your ex? Learn when it's healthy, and how to win him back.
Don't. Call. Me. Ever. Again. Who among us hasn't uttered these five words to a boyfriend in the heat of a breakup? But you may find yourself missing the guy and wondering if things could have been different. Your ex is familiar territory, but is it a country that you should consider revisiting?
Should You Get Back Together?
"Start with an honest review of why the relationship ended," suggests Lou Paget, AASECT Certified Sex Educator and best-selling author of The Great Lover Playbook. "Behavior speaks louder than words."
There are some circumstances under which you should never try and reunite with an ex. If he was abusive toward you, either physically or verbally, it's a no-brainer: don't get back together.
If there was cheating involved, ask yourself if you can truly trust him again. If you can put the incident in the past—fine. But if you'll be checking his e-mail and searching his coat pockets for credit card receipts, that's a big red flag that you shouldn't rekindle things. Read: 12 Relationship Red Flags
Sometimes a relationship ends due to circumstances. Maybe one of you had to take a job in a different city or the timing just wasn't right. "Ask yourself if there are more benefits to trying than not trying," says Paget. "But don't let regret be the sole driving force."
Angela, 22, had been dating her boyfriend Chris for two years when things started to go downhill. She decided to break things off. But then a few months later, she had a change of heart. "I realized he had a great personality, was good-looking, ambitious—unlike many men I had met during our time apart. It's hard to find a good guy in New York, or anywhere for that matter, so I decided to get back with him." While getting back together with an ex just because you realize that the other fish in the sea are all scrod isn't a great idea, recognizing that you had unrealistic expectations of your partner can make for a successful reunion.
For some women, getting back together with an ex is like slipping on a pair of sweat pants—it's easy and feels natural. But that doesn't mean getting back together is the right thing to do.
With months or years of distance since you broke up, it's easy to see the relationship through rose-colored glasses. Make sure that you remind yourself not just about the good things, but also of the reasons things turned rocky.
"Take responsibility for your role in the break up. Think about how you have evolved and [if you're considering renewing the relationship] how you can now be a better partner," suggests Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD and author of Sex with Your Ex & 69 Other Things You Should Never Do Again.
Six Steps To Winning Him Back
Once you've decided that your reasons for getting back together are sound, here's how to proceed.
1. Run it by the girls.
"Ask your closest friends if they think it's a good idea," says Paget. "They have only your best interests in mind and will tell you if this partner treated you the way you should be treated."
2. Listen to your instincts.
Paget says to "Pay attention to your little voice warnings and your reactions—they don't lie." Getting back together with your ex might feel like an easy solution in the moment, but if your heart and head are not in it, you're just prolonging disaster.
Discussion
I don't know want to do me and my ex was together for 3 years and that was 6 years ago now i am single again and he is too we both still have feeling 4 each other but are very scared now i had 3 kids when we first got together then i had 1 more child he still come around and spend time with all my kids and love them to death and not 1 is his and my kids are trying the best to get us back together and our friend or to but i have been so hurt [not by him] just men all together it scared the crap out of me but let i find myself thinking of all the time i know he still care too HELP
I don't know want to do me and my ex was together for 3 years and that was 6 years ago now i am single again and he is too we both still have feeling 4 each other but are very scared now i had 3 kids when we first got together then i had 1 more child he still come around and spend time with all my kids and love them to death and not 1 is his and my kids are trying the best to get us back together and our friend or to but i have been so hurt [not by him] just men all together it scared the crap out of me but let i find myself thinking of all the time i know he still care too HELP
Sigh. I am so here with this. The love of my life and I broke up in August. A couple weeks ago, he started sending me confusing messages ("I can't imagine my life without you." " I am not asking to get back together. Not now. We spent two years trying to be a couple, and it always ended in heartache. I don't want to do that to you, or to me, any more. And yet, I love you, so very much." He told me he wanted to meet, but I told him that we should meet when he's not confused and to stop contacting me.
I want him back, but on my terms. He's going to be at a party this Saturday. I am scared, I know it's not time to get back together again. But I still have hope that someday....
Just a word to the wise: Be careful of those "Get Your Ex Back" Products. Marketers know that you're feeling vulnerable, so they try to sell you crap, convincing you that you can manipulate your ex-bf into wanting you back. I wrote an article about it here: http://www.relationshipbreakup101.com/2009/08/get-your-ex-back-products-...
Exes are Exes for a reason!!!
If it didn't work the first time it won't the second...
Obviously something went wrong to break up in the first place!
I can totally relate to the stories here and getting back with an ex. My ex and I were together for 2 yrs and we broke up twice. I broke up with him about 6 months ago and he came back to me, becuase he needed me blah blah so I gave him a second chance so he could prove he could change and be a better boyfriend. Let just say he didnt even try!!! He rarely called, was "busy" with his own friends and whatever he was doing, there was no communication at all. His actions drove me crazy. He was very afraid of commitment so after 3 months, after fighting we finally broke off things. well, he broke them off through the phone cause he couldnt face me. It was our 2 yr anniv and I even told him i loved him on the day. he didnt call or txt for 4 days and then finally called to tell me there was no solution. After I gave him a second chance and all, this guy goes ahead a breaks it all off like the relationship never happened. I find out he is dating a girl, not even 1 month after our break up and thinks is in "love". WTH!! Guys like that dont deserve a second chance, nothing. Do listen to your instincts!!!
I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years. Well, at least I think we broke up because it's been alittle over 2 months since we last spoke, texted, etc. But it's like he hasn't really told any one in his family or any of his freinds for that matter so I still have absolutely no closure at this point! I still love him and miss him very much but I just can't be the one to make the first move again (I'm the one who contacted him the last time we broke up). But, I think I had valid reasons for breaking it off with him considering he's younger than I, and does really consider the future (marriage, family) only the present. Funny thing is he was the opposite of everything I ever wanted in a man, far from that tall, dark, and handsome guy every girl dreams of but he just had something else going for him in his personality that no other guy I've ever met had and that's why I loved him. I mean that's why I love him, pretty sad huh?
I can somewhat relate tot his article. As it stands, I currently seem to be in the midst of a love triangle involving my now ex-girlfriend and the man she cheated on me with. I wasn't the best boyfriend in the world--in my defense, i was far from earning the worst boyfriend of the year category, either. I cheated her out of getting the very best of me: my friends came first to me and I even once told her that my friends were more important to me than her because I've known my friends longer than her. I even told her that I would never change and that I only "wanted" her because "needing" someone can be hurtful.
Then the case of Don't-Know-What-You-Got-Till-It's-Gone's started to come down on me when she packed up and moved to Japan to help her mom with their business. I vowed to change my ways when she came back...I'd put her first in everything I do, I'd tell her I love her with a deep, passionate look in my eyes everyday, and anyone I felt was detrimental to my relationship with my woman would be removed from my life.
And I did! I stopped talking to certain friends who caused strain on my relationship, I told her I loved her everyday, I even took her to Disneyland and did everything I could to make her feel like the princess she always wanted to feel like.
I guess, it was too late. She met someone else from Hawaii whom, I hate to admit, is much more well off than I am, probably much more good-looking, and seems to do all of the right things to make her happy. However, she can't seem to let me go. She still insists on us being friends, but I can't bare the thought of the two of them sharing all the love her and I once did. It's like eating a big piece of chocolate cake in front of a fat kid on a diet!
I found the article relatable because from my position, I love her and, given the right circumstances, I would take her back. Reading this article helped to inform me on the kind of steps she should take and also the kind of things I should do to make sure I don't regret my decision to take her back if that day were to happen. I know that our relationship wouldn't be the same because the issue of trust would definitely be a factor.
However, all that means to me is that our relationship would have nowhere to go but up.
Well First of all me and my fiancee broke up 4 days ago. why ??? Cause he said he was scared to be the father of our child and since he said he didn't care I decided to get an abortion and after that he has not talked to me for 5 days straight and then he decided to tell me honey I don't want this no more. so he gave me back the phone we had set up together and walked away with out hugging me or saying goodbye he just kept saying no no no no more.
We work together so I don't know how to deal with it when I go into work saturday. wondering if he tries to look at me I still want him back he treated me really good but he has a habit of listening to other peoples advice and going through about breaking up with me. I'm still in love with him I only did the abortion because we couldn't afford it on both our salaries. I was doing this so we wouldn't have financial problems.
And I don't think he knows this I can't contact him he has no phone now. but I do know where he lives.
Fairly good advice, but tip #1 is too simple. Friends have their own agenda. Sometimes misery loves company, or a friend has designs on someone that has broken up. It has not quite happened to me, but we only see the part of the iceburg jutting from the water and not underneath.
Despite all that, I think a median understanding is come to in the end w/ most relationship discussions btwn friends. Rock on.
I totally agree with this article. I think you sorta got to let go, and if he comes back to you, then take it. if he doesn't, then atleast you tried. you've got to be the one that doesn't call or txt. You've got to be that one. it shows you're alot stronger if you live your life and he lives his. You've got to grow apart in order to grow together. I'm learning this out slowly but surely.
This article is what alot of people can relate to!
