Is It A Good Idea To Be Nice To Your Ex?
Should you ease out of a relationship or give them the Heisman?
Outstanding work by Glamour's Smitten blogger, Joanna Goddard. She asks one of the most pertinent breakup questions: to be nice or not? (BTW: Please check out her post, she is way more eloquent about this than I am, and the comments are pretty outstanding.)
We (Americans and other genial peoples) are conditioned to generally "be nice." Sometimes (MANY times) this niceness is counterproductive. Such is often the case with breakups. After lowering the boom on someone you love (or loved), you've gotta figure out if you're going to be nice to this person (and foster hope against hope of a reconciliation) or you're going to give this person the final Heisman*.
Obviously, every situation differs. Some people can remain incredibly close friends with their ex (like on The New Adventures Of Old Christine, you know that show with Elaine from Seinfeld and Wanda Sykes from whatever it is she's famous for). But for the most part, proximity is a recipe for either reconciliation or the trap of yo-yo dating.
Jack Black's character in High Fidelity, phrases it best, "Is it better to burn out than fade away?" The problem with the fade-to-black is that it takes longer (sometimes way longer) than an immediate cut to "FIN." Unfortunately, at some point in the past 40-50 years someone invented the concept of "closure." And now weaning someone off seems like the humane thing to do… an opportunity to let them know that, "golly, you're great. It just didn't work out even though I think you're great and the next person to come along is going to be one lucky ducky."
It's up to you if you're going to rip off the band-aid or ease into the hot tub**, but whatever you do, make sure that you're doing it for the right reason; such as revenge or wanting to prevent them from dating someone in case you change your mind. Please keep in mind that if he (or she, I guess) is being "mean" to you, it probably does mean he (or she, I suppose) hates you, it's just that they're need to get over it. Happy breakups, gang.
*Note: Unlike regular breakups which take time to stick, the Heisman is forever (unless you stab your ex-wife and a waiter).
**Note: I feel free to mix metaphors and, like loving Brian Piccolo, you should to.
Discussion
Lets open this up to amicable break-ups rather than what a lot of folks have as the "one sided you got dumped" deal.
If you have very good reasons for breaking off the relationship, such as your SO was a complete a-hole, b**ch, or in general just a douche as a person, then why in God's name would you really want to keep in touch? No you run.
No I saw this as status quo in highschool, still pretty prevalent in college, out and about in my early to mid-twenties, but since then I'd hope that most people would start recognizing their dating patterns and fixing them so that they can actually date people who are really good for them.
Hey, I can have high hopes for my fellow man and woman.
I'm friends with my exes not out of some desire to have another chance with them or because I like the idea of leading them on and having a constant source of side-booty, but because we are, and became in the course of the relationship, great friends. The sex didn't fizzle out, the relationship didn't plateau, nothing was wrong aside from us being in different places and on different paths.
So, still dating like you did in college, just jumping from partner to partner without really thinking about what you want or learning from the last one, or has your dating style matured along with your wardrobe?
Nope. Then you give them false hope and they start talking about the "good ol days" and want to bring back old times and get back together. I say if it is over then it is OVER! Straight to the point ....ex is the word...if its a divorce with kids let the kids keep in touch if they wish or else why should you?
Been nice to your ex is good. not metter what .Its part of ur past and there were good and bad things.. Always trying to remember the good times and learn from de bad ones. treat them like u wll like to be treated. Specially if kids are involved. show them that you are a better person.
IF THERE ARE KIDS INVOLVED YES TRY TO BE NICE. SOME TIMES THAT CAN BE HARD. IF NO KIDS ARE INVOLVED. WHY BE NICE THE KEY WORD IS EX!
Well, of course there's usually a big difference whether she's an 'ex-wife' or an 'ex-girlfriend'. With an ex wife there's often kids involved, so you really kinda want to get along. Don't want her feeling she's got cause to bad mouth you to the kids. Even without the bad mouthing she'll probably always use 'you' as the excuse for many of her problems-to the kids.
Ex-girlfriends, eh, though I won't go out of my way to patronize, I'd prefer to be on friendly terms. Ya never know when they might come in handy again. Except for that one that trashed my house when I told her it was over.
BTW Tom, speaking of Brian Piccolo-he was the inspiration for my begining jogging back in the 70's. And, coincindentally, I stopped at a pizza parlor in Patterson N.J. once on my way back to FL from a visit to N.Y. in 2005-It was named "Piccolo's". The owner was Brian's uncle. Nice fella.
A friendly and clear Heisman is fine. Rip off the band aid....BUT DO IT IN PERSON AND WITH STYLE!! Email , text or other garbage techno break ups are f****d up and cowardly!! Good thing I grabbed my ex in a bar recently and made him look me STRAIGHT in the eye! Now that was closure...why on earth do I have to be the man?
