I'm Just Not That Into His Weight Gain
Overweight partners prompt some women to withhold sex in hopes it might encourage weight loss.
Liz and Danny* have been in a committed relationship for more than a decade after a serendipitous meeting at a Mexican restaurant while both were seated at different tables. At the time they met, she was a sprite-like redhead with a quirky sense of humor; he was tall and thin with a mop of curly black hair. Physically attracted from the moment they locked eyes, emotional intimacy came later and grew over time.
Fast-forward 10 years. At 41, Liz remains slender. But Danny, 46, is no longer the lean, dark, handsome type she fell for. Now, she says, his 6-ft.-1-inch frame is "more than a little fleshy and mushy" and the weight gain is a turnoff. So much so, she's found herself uninterested in sleeping with him. She's unhappy; he's growing more resentful.
"It's hard to admit but he's simply not attractive to me any more," she says. "I'm turned off by his belly fat and love handles."
While the couple is talking about the problem, Liz concedes that she's thinking about leaving the relationship if Danny doesn't, literally, shape up. She feels he's become so complacent and entitled that he has little motivation to change.
"It's kind of symbolic of the way he feels about our relationship," Liz says. "I have refused to have sex with him on several occasions."
We've all heard of men who pressure their wives, partners or girlfriends to lose weight, and often female fears of losing a man will prompt a major overhaul. On the flip side, experts say women often withhold sex as a weapon of last resort when their partners refuse to or don't lose weight.
Dr. Laura Triplett, an assistant professor at California State University-Fullerton, conducts research on body image and the social implications of physical appearance. She has found that women in their 20s in particular stop having sex with their partners when they don't meet their idealized notion of what a man should look like.
"They usually give an ultimatum: 'We're going on a vacation and you have until June to look this good,' and they give him a picture that they want him to mold himself to. They buy him gift certificates to trainers and gym memberships as incentives," Triplett explains.
It's no secret that obesity is a national epidemic: The number of obese American adults outweighs the number of those who are merely overweight, according to data released in January 2009, by the National Center for Health Statistics. The data reveals that more than 34 percent of Americans are obese, compared to 32.7 percent who are overweight; nearly six percent of Americans are "extremely" obese.
Sabine* says Kurt* began piling on the pounds 18 months into their three-year relationship.
"I'm not sure if it was because he was getting too comfortable or because his adolescent skinny boy metabolism was just growing into middle-aged fat man metabolism. Regardless, he was getting bigger and not in a good way… he was growing man boobs," Sabine recalls. "I was getting really grossed out."
Discussion
Alyona, I can completely relate! Everything you said was almost exactly the situation I'm in. I love my boyfriend dearly and we've been together for six years, but his weight gain has put a HUGE damper on our sex lives. I'm only 24 and he's 28, we're both in our prime and it kills me that our initimacy has been all but drained from the relationship. I feel terrible when I think such negative things about his body, but I am just not physically attracted to him anymore. Before him, I always dated and was attracted to guys who were athletic and in shape, and while he wasn't a walking men's fitness ad when I met him, he was at least average. Now, I'm repulsed by the 'man boobs' he has recently accquired and the increasingly feminized figure.
Some people may think we sound like heartless b*tches, but that's the reality of the situation. I've tried everything that Alyona has and find myself sympathizing greatly with the women in the article. I've always made it a priority to maintain my figure and feels like he doesn't care enough about our relationship to make it a priority. Weight isn't like aging and getting wrinkles, it's something that you can control and do something about.
This article hit home with me. I am currently dealing with this issue right now. My boyfriend whom I love so dearly has gained a good 30-40 pounds but it has all went to his face, stomach and "man boobs" All this in a matter of 6 months!
I am no where near superficial as I have never went after the athlete type and always liked the average guy but his weight gain has turned me off SO very much. He and I are both 27 years old, he wasn't Mr. Buff when I first met him but he did not have "man boobs" a double chin or a large gut. Before his weight gain, we were very sexually active but now, I really don't care less about having sex with him. I never hold out on sex or intimacy if he wants it but I usually never initiate it anymore. What disturbs me the most is the "man boob" thing. It just really looks very very abnormal for him to have the boobs and then a penis. Not to mention, it's almost like he's starting to get "hips" in a curvy female way. He has always had a rather large rump, which I didn't mind but the weight gain is beginning to really feminize his physique.
I have mentioned to him several times about working out together. I went and got us gym passes but he just refuses to take it seriously. I TRIED the supportive route, I read about how to approach him about this before I did. THAT DIDN'T WORK. Now like the article, I have turned to honest comments about his weight. He delusions himself by jokingly saying "I have always been this size" and I told him if he sincerely believes that then he will be slower to do something about his weight. First, ya gotta recognize that there is a problem before you solve it. I really don't know what else I can say or do but just be honest from here on out. NONE of his jeans fit him right, they are SO TIGHT but he wears them anyway and the jeans look like skinny jeans would look on a woman's body. He just says "oh i need to buy new jeans" I say "no, no new clothes..just work out to fit into the ones you have" I am the one starting to become resentful because I feel he is becoming too comfortable. As if I don't NEED to find him physically attractive to have sex with him. As if women are just hard wired to want sex with a man no matter what. I have heard him make comments about other women and weight gain, so I feel NO sympathy in tossing this reality back in his face. As if it is ok for him to be fat, but for a woman it is not.
1. He's never been the best dresser. I am into style and fashion and I take care of myself. I care about my appearance, and mostly for him and our sex life. I passed on his horrible fashion sense because he was such a good guy and at least he was somewhat in shape.
But now that he has man boobs, girl hips, a gutt and a fat bottom..wearing tight jeans and sloppy shirts only makes him look horrid and not just a laid back casual guy.
He usually wears a Goatee/facial hair and he shaved for a wedding for the first time in like 2 months he shaved it COMPLETELY OFF. I realized last week even MORE how large he had gotten. The hair was definitely hiding his facial weight gain. I love him so much, he's the greatest guy, sweet person, understanding and loving. But come on, what are we gonna do? Sit around and "pet" one another all day and eat tv dinners watching Wheel of Fortune? No sex, no desire, no lust? I feel we are way too young for this.
I kind of understand where your guy is coming from, although I fully accept that I'm getting a little chubby and I don't like it.
Since I was 15 I really haven't grown much, so I actually have clothes that still fit from my high school days. Lately I'm starting to feel like I need to lube up to fit in my jeans, and I'm fighting to keep from buying new ones, I'd rather lose the 20lbs I've gained and get back into my old jeans.
My work used to keep me really busy and fit. At one point I worked at a hotel with several towers. In the 9 months that I was there I literally wore out 3 pairs of shoes and lost 30 pounds. Now that I'm the manager for my division I spend more time sitting behind my desk instead of setting up equipment, and the work I do doesn't really allow for a steady 9-5 schedule that lets me regularly schedule work out time. I tried going back to a sport I love, gymnastics, and while my form was waaayyy better after not doing it for nearly 5 years, it would take me a week for my joints to recover from the 2 hour class.
Your guy may be freaking out about it but is trying to put up a bogus "I'm cool with it" front. As Bookmama says, it sounds like some major change has happened in his life, probably at work, that isn't keeping him as fit as he used to be. It may be frustrating, but you just gotta continue to be supportive of him. But with the fight he is putting up against it you may also want to take a little time and think about how long you can deal with this before its too much.
He might be feeling defensive against what he perceives as a constant barrage of attacks. The more you "confront" him, the more he is going to retreat inside that shell he's created. But the more you support him and give him his space the more he is going to see you are on his team. I learned this lesson with chores. It's different than weight, but ultimately the approach is the same. If you want him to train you have to be positive, encouraging and don't treat him like a child. If he has gained that much weight, he knows and he probably feels insecure. Him gaining weight is not a personal attack on you. Its a struggle he is going through himself. Make it less about you and more about supporting him.
Fat lady here - A 30-40 pound weight gain in six months is huge. Could he be depressed or anxious (good old economy)? I don't know about men, but the stress hormone cortisol is really bad for you when it comes to weight gain.
Alternatively, has anything changed in his lifestyle? New job, working more hours, not commuting or something? Weight gain is fundamentally a sign of something wrong in your lifestyle whether it's stress, lack of exercise, or eating too much fast food.
Two pieces of advice from the point of view of the overweight person:
1) Going to the gym is embarassing when you're fat. It's easier to walk around the block. Join a pool. Find a class with overweight people in it. Even just get him to take the stairs at work or get up and move every hour. Every little bit helps. (Lose the remote! Do the dishes by hand)
2) Losing weight is very, very hard. If you feel ugly, it's even harder. Focus on health, not weight loss. Get him to move. Find something fun and move with him. Be patient, the best weight loss is slow weight loss.
One other thing - if you can get away from focusing on his appearance, there is a serious health issue here. That is a hell of a lot of weight to gain. The older he gets the harder it will be to lose it. Weight is not evil, but it is a sign of not exercising and he need to do something or he will become very unhealthy. You are not bad to try to help him.
This is what they call a double edged sword. The truth is no one really looks their best when they are fat. Not to mention how unhealthy it is. You have to do what is necessary to keep yourself up to keep your partner interested. Why in the beginning we look great then think ohwell I can let go now and get fat. We can't expect our partner to just accept us being 50-100 lbs. overweight. Remember their are alot of slim fit people out there, the eyes will start to wander. I had 3 kids, gained 90 lbs. Beautiful kids, fat me. My man lost intrest in sex as well, and I felt like a whale. I did a complete turnaround. Have lost alot of weight and still losing. Needless to say my man is ready to go in the sex department! I owe it to him to look like I did when we first got together, and I owe it to myself!
This article is disgusting! While I was reading it I kept picturing the backlash there would be if it were written about women "needing" to lose weight for their partners.. So now that's considered taboo, we can criticize men instead?? Talk about hypocrisy! Just someone's perspective who is female and a size 00, but a chunky guy is JUST as sexy as some bogus picture from a magazine that they're "supposed" to look like. Maybe it's not exactly a good thing that both genders are becoming increasingly visual-based. Men, please don't listen to this!
This is awful!!!! People gain weight with age and when they have kids.
We American are so Puritanical about weight - we think it's a sign of some moral failing and if you just tried hard enough, you could get rid of it. The truth is most people end up fatter after they diet. Diet plans that doctors consider successful are the ones where you're still down 10 pounds a year later if you stick to it. You can get healthier by exercising and eating well, but expecting someone to lose weight for you or else isn't fair.
Imagine a different scenario - I'm not attracted to you anymore because you're wrinkled. Because your hair turned white/fell out. Because your breasts sag. Because you take longer to get turned on. Because you had cancer, etc. etc. What happened to love?
Ive heard from Dr Oz (onOprah) that if a guy loses 30 lbs, he gains an inch of penis length. YAHOO !!
This topic is two-edged. My ex gained about sixty pounds over the years and I didnt find her attractive or desire her sexually. I felt like I was trying to win a wrestling medal. Im not a small guy but I carry what little extra weight I have better than most because I am tall (yes, I am in the gym trying to carve off the extra pounds currently and its working) but she almost doubled in size. Then one day I just quit wanting sex with her. Kinda sad really becuase we do have several children.
oh, sweeties. i'm not a thin man, but i can still understand where these ladies are coming from. if you're attracted to someone who looks one way, and suddenly he or she looks completely different, it's not easy to change what you're sexually turned on by.
this is why i'll only date people who like chubby, flamboyant, scarf-wearing hairy men.
oh, this is a tough one. If I gained a lot of weight I would NOT want my husband up in my face about it. It's one thing to work on being healthy together and another thing to pressure your partner into weight loss. If you can't handle your partner fat, could you really have handled him thin?
