Is Lust More Important Than Emotional Stability?
Mutual attraction and desire top a new poll of spouse's important characteristics.
We've written a lot about how marriage is a financial arrangement, romance eventually fizzles, and having kids can make your once-bottomless libido as dry as an unused diaper. So it would seem to be common knowledge that passion, while important in the beginning of a relationship, isn't what makes a marriage work. But according to a new study from researchers at the University of Iowa, since the 1930's people's desire for traits like dependability and stability have fallen, while their wishes for lust and love have risen. Have Hollywood myths and the fetishization of romance messed up our ideas about what we should look for in a mate?
The study asked college students to rate the importance of various characteristics of their future mate. Back in the '30s men wanted women to be dependable, chaste and able to whip up a good meatloaf. Women wanted men to be ambitious and emotionally stable. Lust and love didn't even make the top three. These days both sexes rate mutual attraction and desire as the most important characteristic in their future mate.
"Marriage used to be a practical arrangement. Getting married for love or attraction was considered foolish and perhaps even dangerous," said the author of the study.
Eighty years ago college was an extended husband-finding exercise for many women so the gals participating in the study may have done more thinking about their future spouse, and thus been more realistic about what makes a marriage work. And since these days people are waiting to marry, people in their early 20s may not be thinking about long-term compatibility.
But maybe times really have changed, and everlasting desire is now a necessary component of marriage, while stability and dependability aren't. Or perhaps people are just deluded, and think that sexual chemistry is more important than it really is. What do you think?
Discussion
I was taught to look for the "right man", he would give me financial and emotional security. That was my fist marriage and boy was it dull! My second, for the last 17 years, is to a man who is a complete package, I get stability and I get to have what is for lack of a better term "pure unadulterated lust" for my husband. He feels the same and he explains it to his friends as the reason we laugh and smile and flirt to this day. A day will come where the passion is taken out by age, but I imagine I will be so exhausted I wont care. Without passion stability is no reason to be married.
I dont think divorce rates have changed because of any trends.. I dont think it is men versus women I think over time both the man and woman change and what they wanted 20 yrs ago may not be what they want now. their veiws may have changed and may not match as they used to.
I think lust is a big part of any relationship,its what attracts us, body chemistry..language between the sexes.
I dont agree however that lust dies...it just changes direction.
Isn't it all important? I think that the lust is thing that gets you through the door and keeps you coming back for more when your affair becomes a relationship. And you need that to sustain things when it gets dull, because it does. But, without the stability, you ultimately have nothing. I think in the long run, they are both critical to keeping things going.
The gender role changes has a lot to do with the divorce rates, and waiting longer to marry. Women no longer rely on a man taking care of them, and they are demanding more from their relationships.
What many people don't realize, is that lust is due to the chemical reaction in our bodies as a result of falling in love, and does not last, so there had better be something of substance there when it is gone.
You are right indeed that times have changed, for sure many people fall in love at first sight. This is very wrong that is why we have so many divorces in the wold because people dont wait to know each other all they think of is sexual chemistry. As you have put it marriage is not only sex but it involves alot more.
I wish people colud look beyond sex and looks and know the people better.
