Diagnosing A Dead-End Relationship
Moving on's not easy, but is it the right move?
I have a lot of friends and readers who ask me about dead-end relationships. They know they're in them but they're not sure how or if they even want to get out of them. It seems like the start of a new year is the perfect time to look at the makeup of the breakup.
Here's the short version. If you know it's done, get out. I know, I know. There are all sorts of considerations—housing, pets, kids, years of history together, familial relationships, fear of being alone. But, if you don't want to be there, if you can no longer remember why you're there in the first place, if it's just plum not working, how can you stay together? Truly. How?
Someone does not have to be abusing you or neglecting you or doing or not doing anything in particular for that matter. Relationships end. I realize this isn't romantic or fun or loaded down with the beloved Puritanical angst that emphasizes the importance of "sticking it out" because relationships are hard work first and foremost. Baloney. I don't buy it. Despite the romantic comedies and the self-help books and the talk shows—relationships end. And when they do, you are wasting yourself and your time, not to mention your partner and his or her time and selfhood when you stick around instead of exposing it for what it is.
The thing that interests me about all of this, the thing that led me to this is essay is the issue of what it means that so many people choose to stay in relationships that are, for all intents and purposes over or, at the every least, unhappy. What does it say about us that we'd rather be miserable than alone?
We like to be secure. That's the biggest thing, I think. We like to know where our next meal will come from and that someone will be at home when we get there. But although that meal is necessary for survival, that relationship is not, especially when it's one that is no longer working. In fact, that relationship that you are clinging to for security is likely doing you more harm than good.
It's sucking up your time and energy. It is, right? You're thinking about breaking up. You're thinking about other people. You're thinking about how being apart will work. You're thinking about where you'd live, who'd get the dogs, and who will take care of you when you have the flu. That kind of thinking does nothing but sap you of energy.
But once you are free from that relationship, you are also free to become the person you have always wanted to be. Move. Get a new job. Date someone different from anyone you've ever dated before. Adopt a goldfish. Do anything other than wonder, what if?
Discussion
But is the answer to ditch the relationship? I think it takes a good second look at yourself and be realistic about looking. Are you seeking something unattainable? Are you acting with patience and consideration for the other person. Sometimes it might can work with honesty. If after affording all these qualities to the other person and you still hit your head against the wall...then I vote yes.. move on.
I've been really lucky in this deparment. I've had quite a few relationships that just fizzled out, which is fine since the point of dating is to learn what you want for yourself and in a partner, but for the most part I've had partners that hit the wall about the same time I did. In those instances it was a talk about the situation, a realization that we've run out of tricks for jump-starting the battery...again, and that we care enough about each other to not keep the other from living their lives to the fullest. I have a couple of truly awesome friends that were lovers before. That damnable sexual tension just had to be delt with first for us to discover we are much better friends than romantic partners.
The 2 big questions are How much do you care about yourself, and How much do you care about your partner? If you aren't happy and you have seriously tried everything you can possibly think of WITH your partner then you need to do whats best for you. Sounds selfish, doesn't it? Well, it is, and it isn't. Relationships are about everyone's needs being met, not just yours or theirs. If you know you will never get what you want from the relationship and its something you define as a need then all you will do is hurt yourself in the long run. The longer you wait the more you'll hurt your partner as well, and I'm willing to bet that regardless of how much you want to get out you still care about that partner. Why shouldn't you? You have a relationship with time and intimacy invested with this person, you should care about them. Is sticking around when you don't want to good for them? HEEEELLLLLL NO! You only make them drag their feet that much more, and eventually you'll both probably grow to resent each other.
Sure, it isn't easy. But when has anything really worth something to you in your life been easy?
Easier said than done, but when it happens, I'll let everyone know. Maybe tomorrow will be a good time to walk away.....
