Cult Of The Small Penis

To paraphrase Conan The Barbarian regarding what is best in life: "have a big dong, know how to use it, hear the exultations of the women."

The male member (which was nearly the name of this column) sure catches a lot antipathy these days. To be a "dick," "prick," "c*ck," "rod," or "wang" is rarely a good thing (unless Dick or Wang is part of your name, people with the names Rod or even A-Rod are still SOL though). And it's only made worse by applying an adjective to it. Being a "big dick" isn't any better than being a "clever prick." And all of it's better than being a "little" anything, particularly involving the word "wiener." In fact, use hot dog, Daschund or penis anytime that you feel compelled to say "weiner."

But isn't there conceptually magic in the male genitalia? Isn't a "big swinging dick" sort of a good thing? We've also been told for ages that no one wants anything to do with a "Short Dick Man." And finally Steve Martin imparts the secret of success to Amy Poehler in Baby Mama is to "have a big penis." It sort of makes sense from a confidence standpoint.

An entire dirt bag industry has grown to prey on the male fear that success in life and being able to please a lady relies exclusively on having a baby's arm waiting in one's trousers. But screw those guys, Enzyte's Smilin' Bob still seems like a massive tool, irrespective of (or due to) his massive tool.

Sometimes the people need to be reminded that it's not the size of the boat but rather the motion of the ocean (yeah, it is a stretch). The world needs a hero who is not ashamed of his "Little Ding-Dong," unlike James Franco. And Funny Or Die has delivered ya'll Don Dolmes, the smallest c*ck in porn. Enjoy (needless to say, not appropriate for work):

As an added bonus, here's a joke that your dad might think is hilarious: 3 dwarves (little people not Tolkien humanoids) decide that they'd like to be in the Guinness Book for the smallest body parts. First dwarf measures his hands and sends the data to people at Guinness and gets a congratulations letter, he has the world's smallest hands. Dwarf 2 measures his feet, sends the info and gets a similar letter back from the Guinness Crew. Last dwarf takes down his pants, measures his junk, sends the results to Guinness and gets a letter back. He starts reading the letter and gets very disappointed and asks his buddies, "Who the hell is [insert the name of the person you're telling the joke to]?" Good times.