How Marriage Got Me Out Of Debt
Putting "we" in front of "me" helped one wife overcome her secret spending habit.
Fear brings out the worst in people, and marriage certainly brought out the worst in me.
Unlike most young women I knew, I was less than thrilled to be going from a "me" to a "we." Don't get me wrong. I loved Michael, the man I was marrying, but I wasn't used to taking others into consideration. I was rubbish at compromise. And, most of all, I was afraid that—by marrying—I would lose myself: my identity... my independence.
This is what made me a pathological liar.
As I couldn't very well show my enduring independence by dating around, I grasped onto power wherever else I could. I maintained a healthy social life apart from Michael. I worked hard to build a successful and fulfilling career. I built our home upon my tastes and childhood dreams. I kept my checking account and credit card accounts separate from his.
Unfortunately, I had atrocious spending habits and, soon enough, I was lying about purchases, balances, bills, and more.
It started with books, stuffed into my shoulder bag so that I could pretend I'd owned them for eons. Soon after, I began ordering things from Amazon, having the packages sent to my office. Following clandestine trips to the mall, I would keep the shopping bags hidden in the trunk of my car, sneaking them into the bedroom closet when I was home alone.
I was hiding my purchases from my husband, keeping him in the dark about what turned out to be a $10,000 secret.
And this wasn't the first time.
No. The first time was back in college. I was away at school, with my very first credit card. My weaknesses? Urban Outfitters, Arden B., and the handmade crafts store I was working at part-time, where I developed a taste for fine woodwork, art jewelry, and kaleidoscopes. It was my mom who eventually bailed me out.
My shopping problem followed me home from school and, the second time, my grandfather gave me the money to pay off my debts. The third time, my mother once again stepped in.
The fourth time was when I first moved in with Michael, and I remember him telling me that I couldn't let this happen again.
He didn't know my history with money.
The fifth time took me by surprise, the balance on my card shooting up rapidly due to a high interest rate and an overwhelming need to make our condo perfect. This took hand-painted furniture, artwork for the walls, and additional alleged accoutrements of housewifely success. When it became obvious to me how deep I had buried myself — again — I felt nauseous. I didn't want to tell Michael, but I knew that he had to know.
I cried when I told him. My struggle with money was no longer about my ability to purchase a car, pay off my student loan debt, or replenish my winter wardrobe. There was so much more at stake. For the first time in our lives, we were both putting huge chunks of our income toward mortgage payments on our one-bedroom condo. We were saving to buy a house in two or three years and, when that happened, we planned on starting a family.
Discussion
Her spending habits were out of control BEFORE she met her husband. Their shared goals were not materializing because of her spending. She wanted to do her part to achieve those goals, as he was doing. She kept her eye on the end result and shed the habit. Good for her!
Setting common goals is the important....buying what you want is fine....buying yourself into unsurmountable debt is another!!! Especially when it's debt that links you to your mate financially...does misery really love company!! This was not the first time she did this an obviously had a problem. Taking control is what she needed to do...because in the end.....her goals was to be financially stable, secure, an comfortable in knowing that she has not only the buying power but the sense to keep her eye on the financial prize....knowing that at the end of the day...being broke gets you NO WHERE!!!!
I also disagree. It is a responsibility to be honest with each in all aspects of a relationship including household finances. She was jeopardizing their future by putting them more and more in debt. When you are married your debt is your spouses debt especially for big purchase items. If she had kept it hidden and they tried to buy a house, their debt ratio may have stopped them from getting the loan they needed for the house. Sharing things with your SO is not giving them power over you or loosing yourself. Its about having someone there to enjoy the good times and the bad times, its about compromise and doing whats good for both of you, not just what you want to do.
I disagree completely. They own a condo together and are married, so their financial future in inextricably linked. She can't just buy whatever she wants. She has responsibilities - and she recognizes that and is taking steps to save herself, and probably also her marriage in turn. Most marriages that fail do so because of money. So, yeah, it's his business.
And you go girl for getting your financial act together!
