Porn: When It Helps & When It Hurts
Some couples use it to sex up a relationship. For others, it spells the end.
Nowhere do you find stranger bedfellows than in porn—and I'm not even talking about the performers. Seldom do feminists, fundamentalists and the federal government find themselves on common ground, but all three are currently united in an anti-porn ménage a trois. On the other side of the issue are free-speech advocates, porn stars and the 40 million Americans who, according to Internet Filter Review, regularly visit X-rated websites.
The only thing everyone agrees on? There's more porn now than ever, thanks to the wonders of technology.
Like most things, porn was a lot harder in the old days. Back then, getting your hands on anything steamier than Playboy required donning a pervy-looking raincoat, driving to the seamy side of town, skulking into a shop with blinking "XXX" neon lights, browsing the wares in the company of some scary characters before getting up the courage to bring your purchases to the cashier. And then you still had to sneak the plain brown bag into the house.
Now, porn is delivered instantly at the click of a button, steaming hot, right into your living room.
For some people, it's a piquant condiment for their sex lives. "As a single woman who doesn't have a lot of sexual partners right now, it comes in handy when my imagination isn't up to par," says Zoe,* a writer in New York. Her personal not-so-guilty pleasure? Erotic stories, as well as the occasional movie. "A well-written story, that takes you through all the stages of sexual arousal to orgasm, is heaven. I wouldn't say that porn replaces real sexual experiences, but it helps when things are slow."
But it's not just for soloing. "It's also a great relationship enhancer. My ex-husband and I used it as a toy—almost like a dildo—on Friday nights," she recalls.
She finds that writing porn is an even bigger aphrodisiac. "I started writing it with my long-distance boyfriend who lived in England," she says. "It's the biggest turn on—for me and him. I get excited writing the story, then reaching the climax on page, all of which affects my body in the same way."
But while porn can be an occasional titillating treat for some, for others it's a debilitating daily binge that can go on for hours, months and years, costing users their sexual health, marriages, families, friends, jobs and self-esteem. In fact, the stories end up sounding a lot like the ones of crackheads: staying up all night using porn for ten hours straight; getting fired for accessing it at work; blowing $600 or more on it a month, and not having enough left over for basic expenses; craving more and more extreme types of porn to get turned on; even doing it in front of kids.
"For some people, porn can be a serious problem that devastates their lives," explains Wendy Maltz, a sex therapist in Eugene, OR, and the co-author (with her husband Larry) of The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography. "Eight to fifteen percent of people [who use porn] have extremely serious sexual problems," she says.
Discussion
There is nothing wrong if my man watches porn, as it gives him new ideas and teaches him what he doesnt know.As long as it is not too much or he's kind of fond of it, I think I'm ok with it...
I understand that some relationships do suffer from porn addiction. For anyone who needs support because they are struggling with these sort of relationship issues, then I would suggest one of the better books out there that has actually worked for many couples, Love and Pornography, by Victoria Prater and Garry Prater.
This couple developed an approach to dealing with porn based on discovering and understanding the true needs for each person.
http://gethelpwithporn.com/
Porn doesn't always have to be such a negative thing to have an view. Here is where it's tricky: A man or woman who is addicted and relies on porn everytime, or who watch it constantly- yes they have a problem and this problem is hurting their partner. This type of person (most of the time) doesn't know how to function sexually without it, it has become part of them. They need help with this issue. Some of it is just lazyness towards having REAL sex, they have got comfortable with a quick fix.
On the other hand, a person who controls themselves and is open with their partner about porn, versus being sneaky and lying about it, there can be great benefits to porn. It balances sex-drives, one may want sex now, the other not. It can also help a man to not feel so cornered in a relationship, he doesn't have to cheat! porn is a better option! It wouldn't hurt to view some porn with your man, he would love that, you'd be surprised how fast you get hot and ready to have sex with your partner!
My husband and I have been together 4 years and have 3 kids. We have been through him being a porn addict and now having control. We are open about this and compromise. Even watch it together occasionally. And we both still carry on with our day to day lives in peace. You and your partner have to talk about this and bring it to the open or it will always be a problem.
I have been married for 2 years and I am very hurt at the fact that my husband has to look at another woman to masturbate. In the previous articles I their are comments that women need to give it up more but men fail to realize that maybe after marriage it is the man that causes the lack of sex. Before we got married I wanted it daily and still would love to have sex on the regular NOW. But after having to do all the daily chores take care of kids and currently pregnant with a husband who finds many reasons not to help out then at night thinks I want to pleasure him no happening. My husband can have all the sex he wants if only he was more passionate, thoughtful, and every now and then shows he cares about me.
You don't have to look at porn if you have someone at home. I am not against porn for the people who are single, need that extra push. But I have more to offer than the women in these movies. But my husband seems to fail to realize the lack of sex does not lay within me it's only a product of his own actions.
I am a very sexual person and for those of you who say that it's harmless. It hurts to see the person you love have enjoyment at looking at someone else sexually. And for the men who are married how would you like it to see you wife or partner in a porn video.
In my previous relationships my partner always asked for pictures of me. Make a video or videos with your partner enjoy and embrace them. To say it does hurt or harm others is a one sided statement.
A married couple we know is the opposite of us. He is the jerk you describe that never lifts a finger to help or encourage her in any way and expects to get it every night. Guess what? he does!!! she gives it up every night for him. I am the sweet guy you say every man should try to be and I enjoy it very much. I'm not doing it for the sex. It's just who I am. Yet she is hardly ever interested in me. It didn't used to be this way. We did it like rabbits in the early years of marraige. Somethings different now. I don't get it.
I agree with ad guy. My wife and I have been married 30+ years and average sex once a month at best. I have always had a high sex drive and find internetporn a handy release. I dislike 95% of internet porn, sepecially the parts that are degrading to women. I would prefer much better erotica on the net because I think the best sex is when both parties are equal partners. I also believe that it is unhealthy for a man's prostrate to be celebate from sexual release. I love my wife and would always prefer to have sex with her. I find her very attractive. She simply doesn't want it as much. She knows that I masterbate and I think it takes the pressure off her. When she feels like having sex we have great sex but she knows that she is always free to say no.
One morning, 7 weeks after our son was born I was taking a nap. On top of being severly sleep deprived, anemic, facing the posibility of serious illness I also had the flu. I had stayed up with our son all morning and finally after my boyfriend woke up I had the chance for a precious few hours of sleep. ...later that afternoon I went onto my computer and began entering a web address as I entered the address the drop down bar suggested a porn site that my boyfriend has visited...that morning...while i slept and he watched our son. Normally I'm okay with porn it doesn't bother me. I have to admit though, this time i was crushed. weeks later I just can't get myself over it. I really wish I could.
My ex husband had, probably still has , a big problem with porn, during our entire 13 year marriage. I would find it hidden all over the house, he would stay up most of the night watching it while I was in bed alone, then wake me up at 3 or 4 in the morning to relieve himself. On top of that, he was also abusive to me and the kids. And any pet we happened to have at the time. He lost it all because he wouldn't admit to having any problems.
What was the most sickening was the porn I found with animals.
Don't anyone tell me THAT was normal!
So, signs that your partner may have a problem include 'unaccounted absences', 'secretive behaviour', and 'late night computer use'.
Can you imagine the sort of stifling, controlling relationship where displays of the above behaviours raised alarm and suspicion? Talk about lack of trust!
This article simply validates overbearing, jealous partners and their controlling urges. Within and without a relationship one should have freedom to choose.
An addendum:
Women's sexuality in American culture is portrayed as organic and beautiful.
Men's is often portrayed as animal and dirty.
Many married men don't have sex nearly as frequently as they'd like (need?), and yet when they resort to other measures, such as pornography, they're portrayed as perverts.
We need some positive discussion of men's sexuality.
I married about a year ago. I love my wife, and prior to marriage, we had sex maybe three times a week. A good amount for me. She was willing to try different things and indulge my desires -- but she rarely expressed any of her own, even when asked, or coaxed.
Now that we're married, the sex has dwindled to about once every week or two. And she rarely lets us do anything besides basic things -- most of the time not even taking her shirt off. She seems to enjoy it only marginally. I've talked to her many times about it, asked what she'd like me to do, tried to get her to express herself.
The truth is, I think she just doesn't enjoy sex that much. But I do. I've talked to other recently married male friends -- most of them are going through the same sudden withdrawal from regular sex. But this isn't something that's at all talked about publicly.
Thus, occasionally, there is pornography. Men indulge in it because they seem to need sexual engagement far more frequently than women.
ladies if you want your guys to lay off the porn you need to get busy in the bedroom! If your guy is spending more time looking at porn than having sex with you then YOU need to fix that... by having more sex with him, seduce him, make the first move for a change, try something new and "forbidden". a pic on the screen isn't his first choice, you're his FIRST choice, but if you're putting him off ("not tonight dear") then YOU are the reason he's checking out the porn sites!
80% of the women I know, buy/watch/ENJOY pornography. None of which are the least bit sexually dysfunctional. I agree with the comments made that this article is definitely focusing more on what they believe are the "negative" effects of porn, which I have to say has been PROVEN to be an extremely RARE occasion. Porn is not the reason for dysfunction, it’s the person. I thoroughly enjoy porn and frequently watch it with or without my husband. We have an amazing love and sex life and believe that sexuality should be celebrated on every level!
this article was a load of crap. i'm gay and have been with the same man for 30 years. we watch porn together and always have. i am gay by choice. i had a 10 year relationship with a woman,put her ungrateful ass through school. she was a feminist. she thought porn was degrading to women. that is the most specious argument ever. no one ever says that male porn stars depicted with someone's fist up their ass are being degraded. a**hole KKKristians enjoy getting their titties twisted over anything that doesn't fit their sick little moral values.
The reason men do not see the negative effects of porn is because of their selfish view. You can only think of your release and your needs and your satisfaction. Truthfully, you should be focusing on your wife or partner. You obviously are not speaking your partner's love language if you think that they are completely uninterested. Men don't get the fact that women are stimulated by touch, words, and thoughts.... we are not visual. We want to feel that you want us, not you to come in and think we should give you what it is that you want. Because, it's selfish. We want to please you, but it's hard to want to do anything with you when you want to get stimulation from somewhere else and not stimulate us. You just want us to give you release.
The porn industry in right up their with the most degrading acts against a women like rape and molestation.
Men you need to stand up for women. You need to say no to those in this industry. You need to start seeing the as someone's daughter, wife, mother. Because I guarantee you wouldn't want to see someone you truly care about in porn.
"It’s one thing to look at porn on occasion with a partner..."
Could we maybe get some quotes from a relationship expert who knows what porn is for? This is like telling your readers to bring a protein bar along when they go out to dinner.
I've been in a relationship for 5 years, and will definitely marry this girl. She is the kind of girl that makes you a better person. We get along unbelievably. However, sex is now a once a week, possibly even once every two weeks thing. I love porn strickly for a release but cant tell her I look at it. She is very religious and is dead set against it. What do I do?
"Possessing porn materials or accessing porn sites on the web" means I have a problem! What utter nonsense!
Yes, I can see if any of the other criteria where true, but it is like any other adults only pleasure, like alcohol or sports hunting, etc. Used responiblity, it can be very rewarding.
I believe in freedom. If you want to take my freedom away, you do so at your peril.
Porn is very helpful in a relationship where sex for whatever reason is not frequent, but love is abundant. It can prime the pump so to speak, and help couples become sexual with one another. This article is, as was said earlier, from the past. Even many therapist suggest using " Erotica " to help a relationship.
For guys without a partner or who don't want to deal with all the relationship BS, porn is a harmless release. I suspect many women find it threatening because many men substitute porn for the silly chase games in which women have all the control.
Guys have always masterbated. This is nothing new at all. So catching you man while in the act is something that your mother probably went through. As almost any guy and they will tell you they sometimes masterbate.
I am a man and can honestly say, I have never had a sex partner who has wanted it as often as I have. Many men will tell you this is the case for their relationship. To be a good lover and not prematurely ejaculate, I need to make love 3 or more times a week. Any less than that and I have a hard time really getting in the groove. Less than once a week and I am a lousy lover. But my wife really does not want sex oftne at all. She is a bit asexual and is just as happy with life when she is not getting any as when she is getting some. She reaches orgasm each and every time she makes love and says she really likes sex when she is in the mood. Because of her lack of libido, I view porn and masterbate. It helps me not think about sex all day long and it helps me not prematurely ejaculate when I do get the opportunity to make love to my wife, sigh. When I am getting lots of sex, I could really care less about porn and do not bother to look at it. I have better things to do than look at porn. But I know a lot of guys who really are dependent on porn
For years people have talked about porn as being exploitive of women, but there are many men who are addicted to porn and will spend thousands a year on it. Porn exploits men and empties their wallets.
This is a load of s**t. It sounds like someone took a heroin article from the '80s and replaced all the drug words with sex.
It's not the same thing.
There are marriages saved by porn. What if regular sex isn't an option? Either because of an illness or lack of interest. But there is still love, and maybe kids. And the couple isn't OK with an open marriage. What's the undersexed party to do? Porn is one answer. At least that way both parties get the amount of sexual activity they need. It just takes a little communication.
Very focused on the minority of situations were pornography use can be pathologized. Even blames some of the side effects of a repressive moralizing society (viewing porn in secret, not feeling like you can be honest about it, one partners being jealous about the other partners porn use) on the porn or it's usage.
