How an Affair Saved My Marriage
In an unexpected twist, an affair brings a marriage back to life.
It began as a typical Saturday night, out with my closest women friends. But on that particular evening, as we sat, laughing and talking in a popular New York restaurant, acquaintances were seated nearby celebrating their friend Alex's* birthday.
They invited us to join their table for a toast, which turned into several. When the house music came on and everyone headed for the bar, Alex—handsome and playful—took my hand and led me to the dance floor.
In the time it took for his fingers to encircle mine, what had been a quiet attraction became an all-consuming need. I heard the warning voice in my head reminding me that this was dangerous territory: however alone I might feel, I was, in fact, married.
And then, for the first time in 10 years, I silenced it. As Alex placed his hands on my hips, I knew with absolute clarity that I was about to have an affair. I knew it was a decision that could unravel even the strongest of unions. I never could have guessed that it would save mine.
I had felt this kind of passion only once before, when I first encountered the man who would be my husband. I was wandering my college campus, terrified, when a gorgeous man walked confidently up the hill. He saw me, and asked if he could help me find my way. "Well, yes," I wanted to respond. "How about for forever? Does forever work for you?"
James* was indeed confident, as well as wry, brilliant, fearless, and inspiring. While I was literally without a sense of direction, still searching for my dorm room, he was planning his future as a doctor.
Two years later, I selected a major that would help ensure my future as a writer; James signed up to study black history and South Africa, knowing it was his last chance to pursue other interests before his medical training.
I slept in on weekends while he got up to tutor underprivileged children. I gained, and kept, the freshman 15. James competed in two varsity sports. And while I continued to feel uncomfortable in the world, there was nowhere James wasn't at home.
I put away my SOS flares. I had been rescued. When we decided to get married right after graduation, it was easy to ignore those who were concerned that we were too young. The naysayers, I reasoned, were simply amazed that I had this love thing all wrapped up by the age of 21. And for the first few years of marriage, that reasoning held water. Sure, James worked nonstop. But I, too, had found a career that I excelled at. Read: The Ups and Downs of Marrying Young
My job called for me to travel to glamorous destinations and meet with influential people; I was promoted at a record pace. But every weekend, every stolen vacation, reminded me that we were in this together. We cooked extravagant meals for each other and for friends. We hopped flights to Rome or Paris for a few days; we spent weeks tracking lions in Africa, trekking through Southeast Asia, or making love on empty Caribbean beaches.
Discussion
I can not relate to the bashing this person is being given! It amazes me that there are so many perfect people out there, and that their spouse are so perfect too. I for one believe she is trying to keep her marriage together, and forgiveness is part of the marriage that everyone seems to forget! I have been through this on both sides of the fence and to tell the truth all that has happened has brought us together even stronger. We married as a commitment for a lifetime, and not to divorce at the first thing that has gone awry. Though all of it I can understand that ONE person cannot be everything to your spouse all the time forever, and there can be many different levels of love one a person's lifetime. I certainly would not propose that a spouse can do anything anytime they want, nor do I think swinging is the answer, while it could be fun, it would only fill physical needs. I would much rather have my spouse take a lover that could fill in those needs and be honest with me. I would prefer it to be one person, that could meet those needs for years to come as long as we, my spouse and I, are together at the end of the day so to speak. I think we both believe we are soul mates, but one person to be the only ONE for all of our lives is asking a bit much, and I don't think much of those who can't work out an adult relationship and divorce every couple of years. Where is the big advantage there to anyone? No, I love my spouse and plan on being together until death do us part, and I believe my spouse feels the same way. We share and have so much in common, and have a history together that many do not have, or could ever expect to have. A physical act, one of slot A matching with Tab B does not ruin anyone, nor should caring about another person. I will always love my spouse as I believe I will be loved too. Whatever you think of me and my comments stop bashing this poor person she does not deserve it! The man knows the worst of the situation and can see beyond what happened, and I am glad for her. Besides, who knows if he has been honest I know of many doctors and nurses that have had physical encounters, but have never said anything about that, unless discovered.Not saying he did, but there is that possibility too. I wish her and her marriage well as we all should.
Affairs are nothing but sexualized lies and cheating. It is disgusting how people seem to think that because they are having a tift with their spouse they can go f**k someone else, and that's all it is, f---ing.
Dishonesty and deception are never OK. Why can't people understand that?
This is one of the most disgusting articles I have ever read. This womans husband is working his ass off to provide her with a good life. He's a doctor and she knows very well that that profession requires a lot of time and effort. So she screws around on him, then dumps him, then gets back together with him but maintains her A at least at an emotional level.
I seriously believe this woman suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She believes and feels entitled to be the center of her Husbands universe. Rather than build an independent life of her own, and be an EQUAL partner in her marriage, she decides to go out and destroy her husband and her marriage - all to serve her Narcissistic needs.
I think it's very hard when your husband or wife works so many hours that you never see each other. Having an affair was a bad solution - it would have been much better to talk to him or even just take a little vacation. She's lucky her husband was willing to try to work it out after that.
Working is one of those funny issues in a marriage. Wives often feel that their husbands are neglecting them by working too hard. They can be almost jealous of their husband's job. Husbands often feel that they are doing it for the wife, so why is she complaining? They may not believe that they can take any time off without the family having financial problems. I think that both sides are right.
No one forced the husband to get back with his wife. He has free will and choice here too. A lot of people get back together after an affair. It's not uncommon. I agree it is selfish to have an affair, but it looks like the two of them made the best of a tough situation. No one is perfect and no marriage is either. But you have to hand it to them for weathering that storm.
I had an affair in the seventh year of my marriage. I loved my wife and kids but our relationship seemed so much more about the administrivia of life than about the "passionate" love that I wanted our coupling to be. I met a woman at work and we flirted for a time. It seemed that there was chemistry, that she was my real soul mate, that she understood me and could boost me to be the best that I could be in life. It was just a mirage. While the affair is real, the circumstances are not. We did not have to deal with the hard things that come up in a relationship. Our only challenge was maintaining secrecy. Everything else was "love", sex, and saying wonderful things about each other. Not a lot of dirty underwear gets washed in an affairI. I found it to be very easy to be passionate when it was my only responsibility in the relationship.
My wife knew, the partners always do. Don't kid yourself. My marriage only stayed together through the grace of my wife, and ultimately my commitment to real love (warts and all.) I could not even imagine having an ongoing relationship with my lover! I believe that it equates to an emotional affair and would be disrespectful and hurtful to my wife. Having it secretive is the nail in the coffin. My commitment coming out of this mess was to be entirely honest with my wife, because she is my wife. After five years I can write that I have kept that commitment.
If you're having problems in a relationship, fix the problems or end the relationship. Don't have an affair and expect that it will solve any issues. It's just fake. It is a secret fantasy world inside of the fast, chaotic, and demanding lives that are led. Once reality sets in, the fantasy is gone, and someone is left picking up the dirty underwear off the floor.
Make it work with your husband, without the help and companionship of your lover. It will be difficult for you, but not nearly as bad as when he discovers you have been lying to him for so long. Doesn't he at least deserve that?
Good luck
Wow. I'm glad things worked out, but staying friends with the ex lover and NOT telling your husband? that just seems wrong to me.
My sister is best friends with a guy she dated in High school, and her partner knows about it. I know this is a bit different, there was no affair involved, but still, if you truly trust your husband, can't you confide everything?
I dunno. Good article, but I bristled at the end of it.
At the base of all this is the awful military-style channeling that takes place in society, forcing people into role-playing, and ensuring that the true dynamics of personal relationships are never explored by kids as they grow.
American kids are raised by politicians and police until they are 18. The reasons are simple. It allows politicians and police to take an ever-larger slice of taxes. However, it also means that the prevailing social systems are based on Hitlerian Belief, rather than investigative research and nurturing. The result is that kids are prevented from learning about themselves and their feelings until they are 18, and at that point they are cast to the wolves by an uncaring Government.
This has been compounded by almost 30 years of Nancy Reaganesque "Just say no" policies, which teach kids nothing. As a result, America has a teenage pregnancy rate that is many times Europe, where kids actually get some personal education.
So in America, kids are beat up until they are 18, treated suspiciously, given no places to meet (unless you consider the local mall a healthy outlet) and the end result is no understanding of who they are, which they carry into their relationships as deep dark secrets.
On their way through, they get emotionally abused in their experimental childhood relationships, but the police/political system ensures that they cannot talk about this with anybody without enduring a wrenching and soul-destroying legal process that will scar them for life. The system perpetuates the abuse.
As well, there is a fundamental dishonesty at work where the police and politicians callously use these kids, and even false stories, to fill their coffers. The damage won't be seen societally for another 20 years, by which time these police and political opportunists will be retired.
I think this woman would have done much better with her husband if she had been taught to communicate better when she was younger. I cannot fault her for her learning path. She is just another victim of the US educational system.
This is entirely understandable, relationships are almost always complicated and in this case no one is really to blame. People are just different; their actions, however natural and innocent they may be, send messages to the people around them who interpret them in all sorts of ways for a million different reasons. If you think of how many 'best' friends you have outgrown, lost contact with, or simply drifted away from why should husbands/partners be any different? Relationships are constantly changing because that is just the way life goes and perhaps our notion that we need to pick one partner for life is completely outdated. Who's smart idea was it to make us believe that one person can fulfil us in every single way? As long as everyone is happy and we are good to each other perhaps we should give open relationships a try.
omg this writer had deluded herself into thinking it was her husbands fault. What a shame, she says she doesnt want to tell him so he wont be hurt but she doesnt see how the fact that she knows and she gave her body to another man has already deeply disrespected him.
To add insult to injury she is still in contact with her lover and now had what is essentially an emotional affair going on with him.
well I'm sure the writer will spark up her old affair or find a new one the next time her husband is not following her script. I just hope she has the decency to tell him so he can find a woman who will respect and love him as her husband.
No husband or wife can compete with the excitement and passion of an affair....
I am sorry if I have offended anyone,but I have to live with this not you.I am NOT seeing this other person anymore.Furthermore I did say that I was going to therepy,maby it will all come out in therepy,and wouldn't that be better anyway,at least we are taking steps in the right direction.I have never cheeted in my life before,I DO feel ashamed ,and guilty,that's why I am seeking help!I,this is proof that I am so in love with my husband,if I did'nt care I would not be seeking advice,and help in my marriage.I know I will have to live with this for the rest of my life,until someone s in my shoes PLEASE do not judge me,I am still trying to figure all of this out!
I understand completly,I too have done this same thing,but I chose not to tell my husband.I know that telling him will not benifit anyone,but me.I feel like I should have to live with this until the day I die! Imine only went on for 2 months,and almost never was sex involved,I guess you could say that I was being payed attention to,and thats the part that made me feel so good! all of his wonderful comment's,on how Beautiful I am,and how sexy,and wonderful a person I am.My husband did not say those words to me for years.I finaly felt like I was worth something,I felt like I mattered for the first time in a long time.I did over the years realy try and tell my husband that I realy needed attention from him,over and over agaian,but he would just tell me that he did not have time for all of that emotional crap,and that I needed tostop being so needy! I know that was mu braking point! I started talking to the other man,and he told me to stay wth my husband,and that all married men go through this,that thing's would get better.I loved that he was so realistic,it showed me that he realy cared about my feelings,and that I realy do love my husband.We talked every day,I knew I was falling for him,and he too felt the same about me.I also knew that other thing's would start to happen from our deepend frindship we realy connected.I then ended this,only because I knew that if we went on,we would realy fall in love,and I would have to chose.I felt like we both had to work on our own lives and our own emotions,and if I was going to be with him I would have to be on my own for a while first,so that I knew that I was doing this for me,and not because he was just filling in some needy emotions of mine.While he is not around anymore,I have definetly disscovered that,I truely love my husband,and he realy loves me.My husband and I communicate more,and I think he know's something has definetly happened,but he does not get into what it was,I will never ever hurt him by telling him!I do know that he shows me now more attention,I am however seeking a couples thripist,and my husband thinks that would be a good idea.I want my marriage to last forever!!!
I don't know what the writer is thinking. Marriage is about emotional attachment than physical intimacy. I believe it is a greater betrayal if your spouse confides her feelings in a other person than you. To make a marriage happy, respect for the marital bond the two people share is as important as love. Some of you have shown empathy towards the writer, but I feel the husband here is one for another heart break. Think from his point of view if he finds about this non-sexual (as the writer feels that all is right since it is not physical) affair with her former (i am not sure if 'former' is the correct word to use. the affair is still on) partner in adultery. He’ll not believe what the writer has to say that this relationship is platonic and er are just frens. He will associate this relationship as lack of trust and another betrayal.
If the writer has ever loved her husband, please do a favor and stay away from him. No matter how much James loves the writer, he deserves more; some one who will be faithful and sacrifice for him as he has done. Believe me, this marriage is not saved. You two have just joined for another huge setback to come.
While we can also perceive the situation from the writer's view, we must realize that there's got to be an end of this marriage. If there's another affair coming to this relationship (i don't want any to be there but still if it comes), I hope James does it.
I am sincerely sorry if I have offended anyone. While each individual has a right to project his/her life as s/he wills and as per his/her values, majority of human civilization will condemn the act of the writer. While majority is not always correct, believe me, in this case it is.
Sometimes, there can be so much lonliness and emptiness within a marriage...it makes a person very vulnerable to the touch of a stranger. When a person constantly hears from other people how interesting, how pretty, how funny, how liked they are, and the one person they crave so badly to hear it from refuses to make the effort (even when you've cried, asked, begged countless times before)...well, it can make a person feel pretty empty and pretty vulnerable....I'm not condoning affairs, but word to the wise, if you love your spouse, cherish them, tell them, show them. Don't leave it to others because you are lazy or selfish.
This piece of fiction reads like a rejected Sex In The City script. More dim vacuous drivel written by hack scribs trying to find some means to pay the rent. Drop a bomb on NYC now. This site sucks!!!
Affairs ruin relationships. If you find a new one, leave the old one behind. Otherwise nothing is left but sadness.
How can this woman sleep at night, her husband had nothing to apologise for. What an awful person, she should be ashamed of herself.
How could the writer justify continuing SECRET contact with her lover. Must still have some hope of a future fling. Hedging her bets for after she fleeces him in a divorce!!!!
I wonder if it has occurred to her how DEVASTATED
James will be if he should ever find out about "THIS"
secret..Is he to believe that there is nothing going on with Alex..and if so why the secrecy...
Did the affair not teach her anything about communication and what LOVE really is..
This is a very SELFISH "girl" who cares first and foremost about herself..
Alex needs to find a woman who is emotionally available ..and stop allowing this Narcissist to toy with his life
What a selfish, insensitive woman. "...he wrapped his arms around me and whispered, 'I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.'"
Where was her apology? She seems to think that her feelings are all that are important. Nothing wrong with cheating on your husband if he is tired or not attentive enough. No need to talk about it, just leave him for someone who gets your juices flowing.
Also telling is: "...I keep my relationship with Alex a secret from my husband, it is not out of guilt or shame. "
Of course it's not out of shame. She has no shame.
Wow. Just wow. I cannot believe this story. I don't doubt that the facts happened, I just don't want to believe that women like the writer exists. No, your affair didn't save your marriage. Your affair just reminded you that you wanted the familiarity of your husband. Why go through so much trouble trying to spin a positive story of the debacle? It's just as well to say that your husband was away too much while studying to be a doctor and therefore couldn't meet your needs. "He wasn't there for you." So you went to someone else who would give you the attention you wanted. Someone who was "there" for you. If you loved your husband, why couldn't you just tell him that instead of sneaking off with someone else? Someone explain this to me, because I can't understand it.
Don't judge so harshly until you have experienced what the woman went through. Most women don't deliberately enter into an affair to hurt the spouse. They get "caught up" in the emotions and all the hormones that are being released. I do however agree that her husband should be made aware of her friendship with Alex even though I can understand why she hasn't been able to totally let Alex go.
I couldn't agree more with Alice who asks "Wait, so how did this (the affair) save the marriage...? It certainly wasn't any thing the wife or her lover did that saved this marriage. It was an incredibly strong, loving and understanding husband who so loved his faithless wife that he forgave her. I can't believe having an affair will save anything except through some gigantic attempts to recast human emotions. Wife was needy and immature, wife is still needy, immature and, perhaps, selffish but certainly not self-sacrificing. Had the husband been a cheater, would wife be ever so forgiving as the husband? Probably not because she seems incapable of recognizing one's needs except her own. To me love is about a lot of things and sacrifice is right up there at the top. In wife's mind this affair saved her marriage, and so will the next one an the next.....She, and perhaps most of the society and clients that I've encountered in a divorce setting (I'm an attorney) are completely unaware of the many facets of love, relationships and marriage. Wife reminds me of the young girl (under 20) that wanted a divorce from her young husband of 6 months because "He doesn't get me off anymore and I've met someone else who does..." Her rationale, slightly expanded, is what I think gives us a soaring divorce rate and a society that strikes me to be woefully devoid of personal integrity and morality. No, I'm not a bible thumper as you might think living here in Tulsa, OK. But, I hope not to meet someone like this wife should I ever choose to get married again.
Bernie the Attorney in Tulsa, OK
i would love to have this kind of relationship! I have tried and tried to talk and tell my husband (who is younger and immature) what I desire and he just does not get it. Every day he comes a little closer and one more comment towards me having a fling
It's a wonderful, adult story, and is very human in its reality. Note well that this woman was not inclined to cheating, but was worn down by the actuality of her situation. Whether her husband was physically or mentally able to provide her the closeness she needed, it nevertheless is true that she could not have survived indefinitely without it. This is not to say he was not loving and dedicated to her, but that what he was able to provide was simply not enough. The soul has limits. It would have been best if she and 'Alex' had simply started as and remained friends, but she simply found him too late for that, and needed more. I think it's true that their tryst saved her relationship with her husband, and that her lover became what she really needed in the first place - a true, reliable friend. Something too often unrealized is that a spouse does not and cannot provide all of the closeness, intimacy, and connection needed by the human spirit. One needs friends of both sexes to fill in the blanks to provide for a truly happy, monogamous relationship.
This happy ending really put a smile on my face.
Thankyou,Michael you do get it! I guess noone read this right,or the other chapter that I wrote.your comment means a lot.Thank's!!! I am guessing noone ever made mistakes in their life before,according to some of the comment's! it takes a mature person period to face chalenges that even that person can create.I have something to add(good judgment comes from experience,and experience comes from bad judgment!) isn't this proof for me that I am smart enough to try at my marriage,and getting the help,god know's it will all come out in the end! and just maby that will be what need's to happen.for now I am taking all the right step's and doing what work's for me.
Let's be honest. A person like her does not deserve anyone who would be faithful to her.
I can't believe those of you who say that having a confidante outside of your husband is cheating. Would you be saying the same thing if Alex was a girl? I think having someone who you can confide in can give you some much-needed perspective and strengthen your relationship with your significant other.
Sighs. I do hope this is merely a well written piece of fiction, but more likely than not, it actually happened. I initially blamed the personality trait of needing to be "saved" by "James" as the reason she looked outside of her marriage to be "saved" again when things went sour.
In truth, I don't really think that's it. I believe that you can be a damsel in distress, without the selfishness of an affair. It boils down to the fact that her husband was all-consumed in selfless acts, while he married a very selfish, immature woman.
Let's hope they don't have children. He will be too busy to raise them, and she will end up teaching them all of her worst personality traits.
well, it seems that she was looking for fun and spice in a relationship which she called her marriage and this had evaporated. when she met a person who likened to her husband and the spice of her initial marriage ... she quickly grew into the relationship .... NB: she doesn't even have conscience that she is going to commit adultery but that it was perfectly natural of what eventuated.... i mean yes her marriage broke thereafter but hey who said marriages were meant to be forever !!!
I think Rio is wrong. I don't think that it's ever justifiable to cheat. If her husband was exhausted, she should be understanding and try to work through the relationship rather than just go somewhere else. I think that Rio's ideas are far too pervasive in our culture and that is why so many relationship end or are so unhealthy.
I also disagree with Dan. I don't think that all women are as bad as he makes them out to be. He's obviously had bad experiences with women.
I agree with others that this woman is still cheating on her husband. I don't know if one person can ever completely fulfill another person, but she SHOULD NOT be deceiving her husband. Just because she doesn't have a physical relationship with Alex doesn't mean she isn't cheating on her husband. She is still having emotional intimacy with Alex and keeping it from her husband. She needs to find a woman friend who she can talk to and that she won't keep hidden from her husband. She uses the word companion with Alex. Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's cheating!
It seems like every time I go on this website, I lose faith in women and in humanity. I'm starting to wonder if anyone is faithful in relationships.
Does anyone have any advice?
this is just reason 1,934,398 why marriage is a joke.
a man can never ever fulfill a womans needs cause a woman never knows what she wants. a woman will have an idea of what she wants or an idea of what makes her happy but when "superman" fulfills 9 out of 10 of her wants she changes all her wants again.
women will gladly settle but they are never truly happy for more that 10 years max. the only reason they stay is because they are 50lbs heavier now and find new joy in making mens lives miserable.
She is faithless scum. She doesn't love her husband. Hell, she doesn't even know what love is.
She justifies her faithlessness by saying "Well he was busy." Busy building career to provide a good life for her.
And, then, it is OK because she didn't get hurt. What about her husband? I am sure it didn't hurt him a bit.
Her husband would be better off without her.
I want to thank the woman who shared this experience with us... She is not alone.
She is right! One needs have to get meet, A dr in residency is exhausted, They do not have energy for a relationship. Having a lover or booty-cALL IS a wise alternative
This scenario seems to happen when careers are all consuming. I can appreciate her need to have a plutonic relationship with a former lover or friend. It is impossible to find one person whom can fulfill your every need. It would be better if she were totally honest with her husband. She may not want to share that part of her life/emotional needs with him.
The second to last paragraph says it all with respect to her relationship with her husband. If she was truly reconciled and close again to her husband she should be able to share her deepest secrets and feelings with him instead of with another man. No matter what she says she is still stepping out on her husband, just in a different manner. She has not yet regained the intimacy so important to a good marriage, and she never will as long as she continues to open up emotionally to another man other than her husband.
You're right. She could have tried telling her husband she was feeling abandoned and lonely. Talk it over and let him know her real feelings and that it was serious.
This woman does not realize that she is still having an affair with Alex, she is in denial.
