Birth Control: Should He Pay for Half?
Should your boyfriend share the cost of birth control?
For the best advice on sex, love, dating and relationships we ask two experts with personal experience. Cathi Hanauer is the author, most recently, of Sweet Ruin, a novel about love, marriage, and adultery. Daniel Jones is the editor of both the "Modern Love" column for The New York Times, and Modern Love, an anthology derived from the column. They've been married for 15 years, and together they provide a his and hers take on relationship questions. This round: who pays for birth control?
My boyfriend and I have been living together for a while now. We’re committed, but since we're not ready to say "I do" or start a family, birth control (me taking the pill) is essential. I want him to share the not-insignificant cost of my prescription. He says none of the guys he knows split the contraception tab with their girlfriends, so why should he? —B.K., New York, N.Y.
Her take: My first thought here was, Of course he should pay half the birth-control cost! In fact, I was preparing to rant about his even questioning your very reasonable request—especially in such a seventh-grade way. "None of the other guys do it"? Please. And in five years, will he tell you none of the other daddies change their kids' diapers, either? My twenty-something sources tell me lots of guys split the cost of the pill. So what does this say about your boyfriend's friends?
But then I started to think twice. (Hey, they don't pay me for nothing.) Yes, if you're one of those couples who co-pay for everything from gas to toilet paper, why not add birth control to the tab (and in that case, should you switch to condoms, you'll of course cough up your half). If anything, he should be grateful you deal with the gyno visits, pharmacy lines, daily pill-popping, and potential hormonal side effects, while he shows up for the party scot-free. But if your dynamic as a couple is more along the lines of "He's the guy, so he pays for the dinners out, movie tickets, and good scotch, while I cover the bathtub votives, chardonnay, and Cosabella," maybe you've established a precedent where paying for the pill does fall under your jurisdiction. This answer depends on what sort of financial—and political/feminist—arrangement you have. (If you're one of those retro-'50s "traditional" types … you reap what you sow, Dollface.)
The important thing is that your relationship feels generally equal, and generally kind. If it doesn't, it may be time for the "What are we really even doing together?" talk. Because the fact that you had to ask for this—and that he had the gall to refuse—makes me worry about you guys down the road. The money is less the issue than his refusing to chip in for something you think is important. And if he continues to refuse, I'm guessing (OK, hoping) you'll be so miffed you won't have sex with him anyway—in which case, he'll surely regret not closing his yaphole and opening his wallet in the first place. His take:
Discussion
They suggested works we should let them that pearls would particularly never think of. If best celebrity porn sites was resembling have Antwan it was smarting atone me.
I definitely think it is okay for her boyfriend to say no about paying for birth control pills. Unless she cannot afford them herself, it is reasonable as to why he declined. I am willing to pay for my own pills because there is no point in telling my boyfriend "Oh hey, you have to pay for these too, you know!" And for those that say it is just like a man buying condoms- even women should have them. Expecting your partner to buy the condoms all the time is lame. Show some responsibility, suck it up, and pay for your own s**t.
I think that both should be responsible for their own contraception.
I also believe that an intelligent and responsible man should take care of his own contraception (e.g. with condoms whether his girlfriend is or is not on the pill).
Unwanted pregnancies concern BOTH the man and woman. It is not the woman's problem alone.
If more men behaved like that and ensured their own contraception there would be fewer of them whining that they were "trapped" or "tricked" whenever an unplanned pregnancy happens...
It takes two to make a baby and if you are not ready for one, do what you need to and do not depend solely on your partner to ensure there is no pregnancy!
Amanda--it's not just the woman's "reproduction," it's the man's, too. And half the cost of the Pill is a lot less than a monthly child-support payment.
I think the wife's analysis of the situation is entirely appropriate. I pay for my own birth control pills, but my boyfriend pays for dinner more often than I do, so I think it balances out in the end. Generally, we don't have the type of relationship that counts where every penny goes, and I don't remember us ever having a discussion of "I pay for more than you do, this relationship is costing me too much," or anything. Besides, with my insurance birth control only costs $10 a month, so I'm not exactly going to complain about it.
I think it's ridiculous for a guy to pay for birth control. The woman is responsible for her own reproduction. If she doesn't want to have kids, get on the pill--or something. Same with STDs, buy your own damn condoms if you don't want something. Take responsibility for your own actions.
My ex boyfriend actually suggested that we split the cost. It was strange when it came to the time of the month to actually pay for the BC, but it was worth it. In fact, now I think it's something I'll ask future partner's to chip in on. Thought some of my guy friends said they wouldn't do that or hadn't thought of it, it's as my ex said: we're going this together and it's out thing. The TWO of you are making sure you're safe and that means both of you in the planning should be looking out for each other and that includes eachother's wallets.
I thought Cathi's idea that the question be taken in the context of the type of relationship being persued was particularly insightful. I suspect the couple's disagreement reflects differing views of the roles men and women play, he more traditional, she moving beyond patriarchy. Unless they explore and reach agreement on this underlying issue, they're headed for a breakup, or worse, an unhappy marriage.
