Chores for Two: Why Men Don't Pitch In
A working mother explores the role men assume in housework and childrearing.
As a reporter, I often travel on assignment. When my children were small, the prospect of my leaving town for a few days typically elicited great alarm from our family's nearest and dearest.
"Who will take care of the children!" they exclaimed, as if the little darlings had only one parent. When I replied that their father would doubtless make sure they didn’t starve to death while I was away, everyone from my women friends to my mother would simper adoringly, "Oh, you’re so lucky! Jeremy is soooo wonderful!"
Like my husband and me, our upstairs neighbors during those years, Amy and Nick, were both working journalists with complicated schedules, as well as children and a dog. When Amy saw my husband hauling groceries into our apartment one day, she asked me what on earth he was doing.
Since the bags were overflowing with the usual staples of family life, from breakfast cereal to toilet paper, the answer seemed pretty obvious. But instead of questioning Amy's observational skills, I explained that twice a month Jeremy bought large quantities of household supplies, thereby reducing the number of necessities I had to lug home every day. Duh.
Amy looked as if she were about to swoon. "Oh, you're so lucky!" she moaned, her voice trembling with an unnatural fervor so exaggerated as to suggest I had just won the MegaMillions lottery. "My husband would never do that! Jeremy is soooo wonderful!"
When the big holidays roll around, the sainted Jeremy and I always have a houseful of guests. I spend days planning, shopping, and cooking lavish meals for ridiculous numbers of friends and relatives. I do everything from the flower-arranging to the silver-polishing to the table-setting.
After eating themselves into a stupor, one or two people usually rouse themselves long enough to make halfhearted, visibly insincere offers to help clean up. We tell them not to worry about it; Jeremy does the clean-up.
Sinking back into torpor, they sigh with relief. "Oh, you’re so lucky!" they murmur. "Jeremy is soooo wonderful!"
Although both Jeremy and I work full-time, I do all the cooking, and I have always taken care of considerably more child-rearing tasks and domestic drudge-work than my husband. In this regard, we resemble most other two-career American couples.
According to the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, women spent an average of 27 hours a week on housework in 2002, while men spent 16 hours (which at least represents an improvement over the 16 seconds or so a lot of them spent a generation ago). Even today, married men perform little more than a third of household labor, whether or not their wives are in the paid labor force. And women spend more than twice as much time as men do on child care.
Ask your typical American dad what size shoes his children wear, and you will likely draw a blank stare. He has no idea. Guess who makes sure the kids' toes aren’t poking through their sneakers?
My own husband claims that any imbalance in our household contributions derives solely from the fact that he has to go to an office while I work at home, a luxury that permits me to take care of many domestic tasks during my workday.
Discussion
...and Sandra, it looks to me by your poor judgment in men, that you married the wrong type. Stop painting such a broad brush. There are plenty of good ones out there. I should know, 'cause I married one.
Just. Wow.
She sounds like the wife from hell.
Face it, feminism has basically killed the gentlemen out of the men.
You can thank NOW for that.
Men: Is this what you want?
The screaming, the complaining, the criticising, the cajoling, the b*tching. Ugh! This is what happens when the woman you were hot for turns into a combat boot wearing, ball-busting b*tch and people wonder why divorce rates are so high.
If marriage sucks so much, why do women still insist on it? If Jeremy is so terrible, who's fault is it for marrying him? There's no fairer split of household chores than living on your own.
Marriage is an outdated institution and going away quickly. Marriage is for the dumb and the poor.
Men: Continue to focus on your health, focus on your wealth, and bang hot young chicks. Be a real man by handling your own business and stop submitting to these demands!
Well I must say she is completely right. Not just in my life but in MOST of the women I know. The hundreds of women on sites such as pregnancyweekly and cafemom. I have seen mom after mom say the same thing. Their husbands are lazy. And the only way to get them to do their fair share is to force them to. Sad that so many men are like that. And as to those that have posted about how much the article sucks, well I see many of you are not even married to your significant others. Let me tell you when the honey moon is over they slowly start refusing to help. And those whose men do help then I congradulate their mothers on a job well done.
I have been both a stay at home mom and a full time working mom. My husband has always claimed that since I was a SAHM that it was my duty to do EVERYTHING, which I willingly did. But as I went from a SAHM to a working mom I STILL do EVERYTHING. If any one doubts that the majority of men do not help out as much as they should just google it...you'd be suprised!
The author needs some kind of help in the area of marriage. Men aren't dog's to be trained. Marriage is a relationship that goes both ways, and you should know if you look at your husband as someone to train and deceive and trick to get your way, your are killing him...
When you learn that marriage is not about The other person fulfilling your needs but you both sacrificially fulfilling each others needs it will work. Both parties bring a selfish attitude into marriages expecting to have their needs met by the other, when you feed these attitudes you are killing each other emotionally.
I'm a christian and from a christian perspective Ephesians 5 is the ultimate outline of the marriage relationship. Feminists hate this because they don't take the time to understand the outline for the marital roles. As soon as they hear wives submit to your husbands they get up in arms. Take the time to understand the roles and you will understand that they work and their true meanings.
Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. How did Christ love the church? Christ loved the church so much that he sacrifised himself so that the church could be saved. A husband's love for his wife should be a self sacrifising love, meaning the husband if fulfilling his role will be trying on his own to meet his wife's needs day by day. Not ordering her around not telling her to do everything on her own. Now that you understand the husbands role, the wife's role of submitting should not be so scary.
Wives are to submit to their husbands in all things. Not to say that they should be in a submissive quiet state or 2nd class citizen. Be a strong woman, lead in your houshold, make decisions together, as you should. It simply means to submit to your husband as the church submits to Christ, include him in all decisions, respect him, honor him. It's a willful submission in love and understanding and trying to meet your husbands needs in the same way he is trying to meet yours. When both parties are trying to meet each others needs and the selfish attitude goes away we will begin to take joy in each other and love each other as we should.
As children we are influenced by our parents and our parents relationships with each other. Recently my son started opening my car door for me, which I love! My son is mimicking how my new boyfriend is treating me. Luckily my new beau has some old fashioned values (manners really) and yet has had to be self suffient for several years so he can wash his own dishes. I think that if a man has had to live on his own with out Mom or Wife/girlfriend to take care of him....that he has a new awareness for the amount of work that goes into running a household. One thing that I like to do on evenings when I am too tired or just to busy to cook is declare a "fend for self night" Each person has to see to it to get their own supper and is required to clean up their own mess. Another thing I do is allow natural consequences....if the favorite pair of jeans didn't get washed....um...who didn't wash them? Ohhhhh were they under the bed and not in the hamper when I was doing the laundry....Looks like you will be starting a load yourself if you need them for tommorow!!!!
I disagree. My fiance does the cooking most of the time. He does half of the household chores,including the laundry and the dishes. He doesn't just lay around. There are lots of guys out there like my fiance who do their fair share of the household chores. So give guys a break.
The writer's attitude toward men is shallow and deplorable, and demonstrates a complete lack of respect. It is nothing but a ridiculous "I am woman, hear me roar!" mentality, which ultimately does a disservice to all women. From the opposite point of view, if wives are asked what kind of motor oil is used in the family car, what kind of blade should be purchased to fix the lawnmower, what size filter is used in the furnace, etc., these questions will similarly likely result in a blank stare. That does not equate to the woman being a slacker or a "do-nothing" but just highlights the obvious fact that its ok for husbands and wives to fulfill different roles. I am sure that the writer would be offended if a man were to write that "women are like dogs -- you have to learn how to train them and get them to beg for what they want." Yet, that type of offensive thinking is precisely what this misguided writer is espousing. I legitimately feel sorry for her husband. She needs counseling and sensitivity training.
Seems like this is already a hot topic, and I'm guessing my comments might just ratchet it up another notch. My husband (an airline pilot) and I have been together 4 years, married 8 months. From the beginning I took care of the "domestic" issues, even though for the first 2 years we were together I worked a full time job.
It made me feel good taking care of our home, cooking our meals, doing our laundry. And I don't wanna hear from the feminists when I say this, but, I still enjoy it. My husband is away from home 12 to 15 days a month and I take great pride and pleasure in keeping a lovely home for us. Could he help more around the house? Sure, and he offers all the time, but I see it this way; HE MAKES THE LIVING, I MAKE THE LIVING WORTHWHILE.
Marriage is a partnership. I f She is busy I can do the dishes, or the laundry, or cook dinner. If I am busy, She should do these things...give and take, thats what it's all about!
I think the notion that men don't "do anything" is as old as the one that "women should stay home, cook, and take care of the children". No one's looking for an award, but the author's tone that men have to be held accountable more so than women is not only sexist, but reeks of condescension.
to the man who posted the message above me.... booh hoo cry me a river.. want to you want a medal for doing housework .. you live in the home to, women have always done those types of chores with out any thanks.
I am a husband. I do the dishes, the cooking, the groceries, and hold a full time job. So don't give me any of this the husbands don't do any housework stuff.
I think all relationships should be like this. On our recent move, to another state, we have managed our time to take care of our 6 year old daughter, from taking her to school and making sure one of us is home all the time. Yes we are fortunate to work from home. But to some people money matters, unconscious or consciously, if my husband were to make quarter of a mil a year --No doubt, I would be a stay home Mom hands down, and even manage to take Fido out 2 times a day and pick up his poop (this is my husbands job)unlike our Moms, his stayed home with 2 boys while working Fridays to cut hair for the elderly. and Mom with five kids managed a small farm raised pigs and chicken. In this era, we both have to work,to have a place to live,have 2 decent vehicles and go to amusement parks. and stay happy and balanced. and split up our household chores evenly, So far its kept us together for 13 years....
Bravo Jeremy!! Bravo Jeremy's mother! Maybe you should get Jeremy to write an article to men telling them how they act. I don't think anybody has taught today's man how to behave. Even in the 50's the mwen would help carry in the groceries. Any man who didn't was considered rude. Men these days are rude, have no manners, and want to dictate the lives of everybody and everything around them like they have become kings. Where did these guys grow up? What happened to their mothers? Isn't our job to teach our boys how they should behave? My son is 13 and he's been opening doors for women since he was old enough to hold a door open. He carries in groceries, washes dishes, and does laundry. He can even cook simple meals. Isn't that what we as mothers are supposed to be teaching our children, coping skills? We wonder why our men are spoiled and seflish, yet we have raised spoiled and selfish boys, and if we don't teach them how to act properly, how will they know?
