By David and Cindy Taylor — Written on Jun 17, 2010
After the wedding bells, when a couple move on into married life and their family and careers, often one or the other will meet someone--at work or in a class--who's company they enjoy and whom they spend time with. In fact, the Urban Dictionary has sprouted a new slang term "work spouse" for "a significant other with whom you work." Frequently one spouse will begin to wonder if it's crossed the line into an affair, and that's when you hear the infamous words, "We are JUST FRIENDS!" Are they? How can you tell when it's crossed the line from friendship into infidelity? Here are ten easy questions to help you decide! Infidelity 101: What Is An Emotional Affair?
WARTS AND ALL:
1. Do you hide your not-so-good side from your "friend" or do they see you stressed, grouchy, silly, frumpy and sick?
When it's a friendship, we let our friends see us as we are. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, we try to impress them and only let them see us looking good, smelling good, and at our witty best.
WHERE YOUR THOUGHTS GO....
2. Do you daydream and fantasize about your "friend" a lot?
When it's a friendship, usually your mind is on what you're doing or life and occasionally thinking of some situation in their life. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, your mind envisions, invents, imagines, and longs for what you might do with your "friend."
SOCIALIZING AND RECREATION:
3. Do you hope you might catch your "friend" if your out socially, or do you keep wanting to see your "friend" when you're with your partner?
When it's a friendship, you don't really think about running into your friends because you are present and enjoying the company of your partner. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, your mind thinks of ways to "accidentally run into them" or lingers on what a goodnight kiss might be like.
ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT:
4. Does your partner support your friendship with your "friend"?
When it's a friendship, you and your partner have discussed and enthusiastically agree with each other about when and where to meet the friend and for how long--the primary connection and agreement is with your partner. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, your partner may not be comfortable with your "friend" or may not agree with when or how much time you spend with your "friend" and the primary connection is no longer with the partner.
OPEN PERSONAL TRANSPARENCY:
5. Does your partner know about your "friend" and know when you are actually catching up with your "friend"?
When it is a friendship, you allow your partner to see you--your life, your schedule, who you're seeing and why. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you hide the truth and call that "privacy"; concealing your thoughts and feelings, where you're really going, and who you'll be meeting.
SHARING ALL OF YOU:
6. Are there more things that your partner intimately knows about you that your "friend" doesn't know of?
When it's a friendship, they may know some things or may have grown up in the same neighborhood, but you don't share all of you with them. When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you share intimately the things that you should be sharing with your partner.
EMOTIONAL SUPPORT:
7. Do you share details of your relationship--especially its troubles--with your "friend"?
When it is a friendship, there may be times to get some encouragement or support, but details are best shared directly with your partner and you seek your primary connection in your relationship! When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you share complaints about your relationship with your "friend" instead of with your partner, seeking primary emotional support from outside the relationship!
COUPLEHOOD:
8. Would you effortlessly set your "friend" up with one of your other friends?
Do you feel happy when you see your "friend" go on dates? When it is a friendship, you don't feel joined with the friend, so of course you'd set them up with someone who will treat them well and make them happy! When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you would feel jealous if someone else went out with your "friend" because deep down, you sort of want them to yourself!
MARRIAGE:
9. Do you smile when you think about your "friend" getting married...to someone else?
When it's a friendship, you'd think, "I want to be best man/maid of honor! Heck yeah!" When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you feel angry, frustrated or sullen at the thought of losing them to someone else. Ways To Let Go Of An Emotional Affair.
SEXUAL ATTRACTION:
10. You love your "friend" and you can do anything for them, but one thing you cannot do.. you cannot imagine having sex with them! At the very least, if you close your eyes and imagine having sex with your "friend"...you don't get turned on--you laugh!
When it's a friendship, you may feel protective, silly and like you can totally be you in a safe place and be accepted even though you're weird--but thinking of sex makes you laugh and say "Yeah good one!" When it's crossed the line into an emotional affair, you not only can imagine it but refer to question #2-=you daydream about it during the day and dream about it at night! If you are honest with yourself and answer these questions and realize you may be crossing the line into an emotional affair--IT'S NOT TOO LATE! You can choose to stop and rebuild the love in your relationship. To rekindle the flame of love, just contact us!