Nice has become the new four letter word for many women. They associate “nice” men with having qualities such as boring, passive, and unromantic. I’m not sure how this happened. My guess is that it is part related to how the media portrays “strong” versus “weak” men and part related to our biology—women neurologically look for traits in men that will ensure that their offspring will have good genes, be provided for and protected. I think women have collapsed Hollywood’s version of the bad boy/strong male with our biology’s’ version of what qualities make for a good mate. Overtime, women have gotten it all wrong—nice guys have been given a bum rap and both men and women are losing out because of it.
The lie woman have been fed is that only the “bad” boy can provide enough passion and power to make a woman feel like a real woman. This has resulted in women erroneously associating sexual passion and a whole lot of emotional drama with love. And while the excitement of being with a not so nice guy can be intoxicating in the short term, these encounters typically end up in heartbreak, confusion, or trauma.
Nice guys, on the other hand, demonstrate their strength and passion over time. They are not in any hurry. They know who they are and what they have to offer. They don’t need to be center stage; they don’t need be the loudest, fastest, and most boisterous one in the crowd. They just need to be appreciated for who they are and what they bring to the table. Don’t underestimate the nice guy. Remember who wins the race in the end.
I believe both women and men need to recalibrate their definition of what makes a man strong and powerful. I’d like to offer some ideas. Maybe this will go viral. Maybe a new day for nice guys has begun. Here’s what I want all women to know. Great men…
- Have integrity—they say what they mean and do what they say. No games.
- Care about others—they have compassion and empathy for others.
- Have a desire to protect you from harm—they understand the impact of their actions and act accordingly.
- Want to support you in getting your needs met and ask the same from you. There is give and take.
- Understand what creates passion and intimacy in the long run—trust is the name of the game.
- And finally, great men are truly nice guys!
Now go out and find one!
Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery