5 Reasons Some Marriages Don't Work — Until After The Divorce
Sometimes all a marriage needs to succeed is a divorce.
Sjale / Shutterstock Divorce has become part of life for over 50 percent of people who have been married.
The reasons for divorce can be from having an affair, money issues, interference from family, abuse, and other reasons unique to the couple involved.
These reasons are serious and cannot be ignored. But sometimes, the divorce itself doesn't work out.
Sometimes, divorce leads to a new, more-fulfilling relationship when or if the couple reunites.
Here are five reasons divorce doesn't always stick and the couple decides to reunite
1. It turns out the grass is not greener
When a third party enters a marriage, and the affair causes that marriage to fail, the new relationship becomes a different thing entirely.
Many times the new situation results in a new marriage — but it is not unusual for this relationship to fail as well.
The appeal of going to another person after you have been with a spouse is attractive because there is hope for a new life.
A new person has appeal but there is a new set of issues that must be managed and often times these issues are greater than the ones that were just found to be intolerable.
A review of the new situation may make the old way of life seem better, in retrospect.
The new partner might also decide that you are no longer fun to be with or learn you are not the person they thought you were during your affair.
The challenge of luring a married person from their spouse is over and there is no way they are going to be “stuck” with you.
On the other hand, you may feel your new “squeeze” is not as great as you thought, and this causes problems.
They may show parts of their personality or the baggage they have in their life is greater than once known. These unattractive traits may cause you to re-evaluate your divorce.
2. You shared too many experiences to forget
The shared experiences that you had with your former spouse can be extensive and being shut out of family get-togethers and holidays can be a lot to bear.
The discontent you felt during family moments may not appear so bad. In fact, there were many good memories of them.
It is a sad reality that you are not able to be with your spouse and others you considered family and enjoy their company.
Children growing up without you or their other parent can hurt worse than you thought.
An abusive spouse around children is different from one you just found annoying.
Hoping someone else will take their place can happen but it is most likely that you will have to place your personal life on hold until your children can become more independent and fin for themselves.
The private good times may be a source of review as well. You may have had more good moments than bad ones and these can loom large after a divorce.
Many people simply are resigned that this part of their lives is over and can only hope that there will be another chance for happiness in the future.
3. You came to rely on your ex in difficult situations
The sense of stability and the dependability of a former spouse can come into consideration.
You may not be able to tolerate some of the behavior of your former lover, but you know they will show up if you need them.
They may never be needed but if you find yourself alone and needing a helping hand, it is nice to know who to call.
A spouse with a bad attitude in life or an irresponsible nature in some areas can be tolerated to some extent.
The security of knowing this person has some redeeming qualities is comforting. Setting boundaries could have been a big issue for them and the new arrangement of divorce sets clear boundaries for behavior.
It is nice to know that you are no longer bound to your former spouse, but it is nice to know that they will be there if you need them.
4. You renew your relationship on different terms
Removing family, finances, control issues, and sometimes addictive behavior from a relationship are other areas that are no longer a problem when there is a divorce.
You can love a person and be courteous to them without them criticizing your family, controlling your finances, attempting to control you, or dealing with their substance issues is a benefit of divorce. There may, however, still be a connection that you yearn to keep.
Developing a friendship without the entanglement of marriage allows a couple to focus more on the relationship and clears the other issues that were detrimental to their legal union.
Your former spouse may still have redeeming qualities that you find attractive. They may make you laugh and continue to have an irresistible charm!
You may be good business partners and be able to operate a business together. You already know their limitations and they know yours.
It works for many divorced couples.
5. You have a change of heart about your role in the breakup
You may begin to have a reality check and consider your role in the failure of your marriage. You experience a revelation that it is not entirely your former spouse’s fault.
You may see your own personal flaws and understand some of the concerns that your partner had with you.
Is it possible you had a role in this problem?
Divorced couples sometimes realize that each person was more stubborn than they thought, and a reassessment begins.
An internal back and forth or a sense of bargaining within can happen after separation. The conclusion may be that the relationship deserves another chance or simply reaffirm the decision to leave the marriage.
Communication between divorced people can bring big benefits if both parties are sincere.
There could be a realization that their lives together were not so bad. A rekindling of a union by living together or by remarriage.
Some divorced couples leave the courthouse and say to each other, “What are we going to have for dinner?”
Can't live with or without you
Divorcing is not an easy decision and if you have had to do it then you know the pain it can bring. You must hope that you can “re-calibrate” and either go with another person you thought was the answer to your problems with your marriage or go it alone until another special person arrives in your life.
If you have children, they will experience heartache and misery as well.
The shared life experiences with someone and the sense of stability may be lost after a divorce.
Your former spouse may have some redeeming qualities and you may have the security of knowing they will be there if you need them.
Divorce can be liberating and remove a lot of stress in your life, but many couples learn that another kind of relationship evolves when the divorce does not quite work either.
You may learn that there was one that “got away” and that your life alone is not as good as the life you had before you divorced.
There may still be some benefit to having that formerly special someone in your life.
John Cappello, M.B.A., is a practicing psychic medium, astrologer, author, and radio talk show host.