Why Men Seem Forgetful — And Women Never Forget

Dr. Helen Fisher on the science behind the forgetfulness gender gap.

Young adult Latinx couple smiling at a cafe, man gesturing toward the woman who is holding a coffee cup GaudiLab / shutterstock 
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So many times I have begun reminiscing with a boyfriend about a holiday we shared, a movie we saw, or a trip we took — only to discover how little he remembered of the event.  

While I could recall what I wore, what we discussed, where we went, even what we ate, it was all a blur to him.  And these were highly intelligent and kind men; in no way duds.  

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I enjoy this trait: remembering. But I must admit, there are things I would prefer to forget.   

While I remain plagued by things I did or said years ago, many men seem to live in the here and now. And it’s not hard to blame a region of the brain: the hippocampus. A primary part of the memory system packed with receptors for estrogen — the largely female hormone.   

So, it is not unheard of for women to remember more than men. After all, we can hold a grudge. And we’re not alone.   

I know of a female chimpanzee that held a grudge for over 20 years. While strolling with her infant one jungle morning, a deranged neighbor seized her child to slaughter it, as she had done to others. The seasoned mother rescued her wailing offspring, and was hostile to the thief all her life.   

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Like female chimpanzees, ancestral women had to remember even far smaller transgressions for years, as they struggled to rear their helpless young. 

RELATED: Why The Memories You Choose To Forget Are Actually Worth Remembering

But why do men forget? Testosterone may play a role.  

Transgender individuals report that after three months of testosterone injections during gender-affirming procedures, they begin to live more and more in the here-and-now; they remember less of the past. High testosterone men also appear to focus more on the here-and-now.  

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And like women’s acute memory for offenses of any kind, men’s lack of memory for transgressions is adaptive. 

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For millions of years men had to put aside their differences to hunt together. Surely they remembered serious betrayals (as modern men do too); but it was expedient to overlook, indeed even forget, minor squabbles in order to do their job.

These ancestral differences can also play out in business. After a vicious office battle, all the men will go out together for a beer, while all the women head home alone, often remaining hostile or wary for days or weeks.  

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So the next time he can’t remember the details of your wonderful vacation together, just remind him. He’ll be relieved you didn’t haze him for forgetting; and you can regale him with the juicy tidbits of these precious times.

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Helen Fisher Ph.D., is a biological anthropologist and Senior Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute and Chief Scientific Advisor to the dating site Match. She is the author of the book The Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray, among other titles.

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