7 Conversational Landmines The Smartest Husbands Know How To Avoid
Men are famous for saying the wrong thing, but most husbands truly want their partners to feel loved.
studioroman, ChristianChan | Canva Husbands can make the common mistake of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and stepping on a conversational landmine in a discussion, effectively shutting it down.
Knowing what those landmines might be and what to say instead can keep communication healthy and a relationship strong.
Here are conversational landmines husbands should avoid.
1. "Relax" does not do it.
If you take only one landmine away from reading this, don't say, "Relax". No woman wants to be told to “relax.” Why? Because it’s incredibly condescending.
When a man tells a woman to relax, he tells her that her anger and frustration are unwarranted and she is overreacting.
Imagine how it would feel if someone told you to relax (which I am guessing your wife has never done?). Would you feel good about it, in your heightened state of emotion, to be called out for expressing those emotions? No, I am guessing not. And so it wouldn't be for your wife.
Telling your wife to relax will prevent a conversation from being productive because you will heighten her emotions by telling her to relax. When that happens, the conversation might swerve away from the issue and become more about how disrespectful you are, telling her to relax.
If you see your wife’s emotions getting heightened in a way you feel is dangerous or unproductive, don’t tell her to relax. Tell her you see she is upset and ask what you can do to help her manage how she feels.
2. “You are being unreasonable.”
Here is another crucial thing to never say to your wife. Why? Because, again, it’s incredibly condescending.
Yes, you might think what your wife says is unreasonable. After all, we are different people with different expectations, and hers might not match with yours in a certain instance.
But that doesn’t mean she is wrong, and if you tell her she is, it will shut down the conversation immediately.
If you believe your wife is being unreasonable, keep it to yourself. Let her express how she feels, and try to respect her perspective. If you can understand her perspective instead of casting aspersions on it, you will have a better chance of keeping the conversation going and putting the issue to bed.
3. “I will be late.”
Of course, we are all late sometimes. We are only human. But, if we are late often, it can become a problem.
When I was married, my husband struggled to get anywhere on time. I know he didn’t do it maliciously. But in the moment, it felt like a personal affront. I had spent time and energy organizing something or had committed to an invitation, and he didn’t respect those things made me angry.
So, what happened? When he got home, I didn’t talk to him. I got passive-aggressive about what he had done. I eventually picked a fight about it, which led to us slinging wrongs done back and forth at each other unproductively.
Do you struggle to make it to events on time? Does not getting home from work on time for dinner because you weren’t managing your time well happen regularly? If yes, you are causing problems where you don’t need to.
Next time you know there is somewhere you must be, make a concerted effort to be there on time. If, when you are asked to commit and you might not be able to be there on time, tell your wife! You are way more likely to keep things on an even keel if she knows you will be late and you don’t let her down.
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4. “Your mother/sister/friend is crazy.”
Hopefully, you can see why telling your wife someone she confides in is crazy would be a problem. They are her people and insulting them won’t get you anywhere.
Unfortunately, telling one’s wife her confidants are crazy happens often. Why does this happen?
When an issue arises that needs to be discussed, a man is often caught off guard. Perhaps he knew it was an issue and had chosen to forget it. Maybe he didn’t know it was an issue. Maybe he knew it was an issue but wasn’t planning on discussing it at the moment.
Well, you can be sure that, if there is an issue, your wife has talked to a friend/sister/mother about it. Women like to process things with others, and because their friends are women, they understand and empathize with whatever the issue is.
If you tell your wife her friend/sister/mother is crazy, you shut down a conversation immediately because those women support and understand her in a way you might not, and that is very important.
So, instead of telling your wife that her friends are crazy, stay silent. Her friend’s perspectives are vital to her, even if you think they are unreasonable. If you can skip disparaging your wife’s friends, you won’t shut a conversation down and might even be able to resolve whatever issue is at hand.
5. “I am out of here.”
This is something we see in the movies and on TV. A couple disagrees, and one of them storms out of the room in frustration. When a husband does that, it will shut their wife down immediately.
I am guessing your wife does that to you, and you tell yourself it doesn’t shut you down. But I am guessing you might be kidding yourself. Has any issue ever been resolved if one of you storms out of the room, or is it kicked down the road until it arises one more time?
If you need to remove yourself from the situation, tell your wife. Tell her you feel overwhelmed or angry, and the best thing to do is to be absent for the time being. You will not ignore the issue. But it would help if you had some time to process and calm down.
I know this might take some self-control, but if you can do this, you are way more likely to keep everyone focused on the issue at hand instead of the fact you rudely stormed off.
6. "If we had sex more"
This is one you don’t say very often. But when you do, it doesn’t work out well.
Yes, men's and women’s sexual needs can be very different. I am not saying women don’t enjoy sex. What I am saying is some men need to have sex more than their wives, and when they are having it regularly, they tend to be happier and more agreeable.
Married women often carry guilt they don’t have sex more with their husbands. They believe having sex with their husband is their duty, and when they don’t want to, they believe they are letting their husbands down. So, when their husband points out this issue because they are already agitated about the subject as a result of their guilt, women tend to explode, and any conversation is dead on arrival.
Even if you are frustrated you aren’t getting as much sex as you might like, I would encourage you not to point it out to your wife. Do not have it be a transactional thing — if she has sex with you, you will do something for her. A discussion about sex can and should happen if there are issues around it, but don’t throw it into a conversation as a means of justifying your behavior. That won’t get you anywhere.
7. “Why can’t you just let it go.”
It’s an interesting difference between men and women — a man’s tendency to forget an issue ever happened and a woman’s ability to catalog every issue by date and subject matter. As a result of this discrepancy, many a conversation can get derailed.
If you are in a conversation with your wife and she is bringing up ancient history again, don’t ask her why she can't let it go because she can’t, or she wouldn’t be discussing it. I know it’s frustrating for you, perhaps because you are being forced to defend something you have no memory of, but telling your wife to let it go will be a bad idea.
Instead of asking your wife to let something go, ask her how you can settle that issue once and for all. She will be way more open and willing to do something if you discuss the issue, than if you are disdainful that she hasn’t been able to let it go.
I know conversational landmines are plentiful in any interaction between a husband and a wife, and I also know most men would do whatever they can to avoid them.
If you are about to say something to your wife, either in frustration or anger, pause and ask how it would feel if someone said those same words to you. By asking yourself this question, you might gain an understanding of the effect your words might have because you know how they might affect you.
So, review the list above with this in mind. I am guessing that, except #6, you wouldn’t like it if your wife said any of those things to you.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.