9 Signs You're Waaay Too Bossy In Your Relationship
If you're wondering why you're so bossy, you may be confusing the bedroom and the boardroom.
Nicoleta Ionescu / Shutterstock It took me a long time to realize that once I get off work, I need to soften up and eschew the mask that works so well in the workplace. I always struggle with this and try to smooth out the type-A, go-getter side of my personality before I come anywhere near my fiancé.
At work, it's common to bark orders, be in charge, and ensure everything is getting done. Who knew this works so horribly at home?
Why am I so bossy in my relationship?
Set aside a successful career's obvious time demands as a variable and focus on the attitude in their home life. When you compare the two, it becomes obvious that the same traits that are beneficial at work — leading, being the boss, setting clear expectations, and generally running things — tend to be less effective at home.
Bosses are rewarded for just that: being bosses. This is great for the workplace. The problem is that what works at home — a cooperative stance, compromise, receiving help, and picking battles — isn't exactly prized in the office.
Generally, the most effective bosses often have trouble with their love lives.
They always say things like, "Well, I told my partner what I wanted, what needs to be done, and they still don't come through for me. I feel like I have to do everything, or it won't get done," or, "I just don't have enough help."
I'm automatically suspicious of these statements. I start to wonder if it's true that nothing gets done and the partner isn't trying to help somehow. Does nothing that needs to get done get done? Or was it done but not exactly the way that person wanted?
Is the micro-managing setting up a feedback loop where there's nagging, the other person pulls away, there's more nagging, and the help is offered but rejected because it's not up to standard.
If the nagging were to stop abruptly, what would happen? In the end, one partner finally breaks down and does the task "the right way," proving they're the perpetrator in this controlling relationship.
Resentment and tension build between the couple. This communication breakdown serves to inadvertently cement the attitude that no one is getting they desperately need, which weighs the relationship down even further.
Either partner may start to feel like a child being nagged to do homework. Then comes the withdrawal and feelings that efforts to please are completely in vain. This leads to the belief, "No matter what I do, he/she is ever happy." This is the kiss of death!
I'd be willing to bet that it becomes frustrating when one person has clear time frames and expectations about what should happen, and when. This goes double for those that work long hours and want to come home to a particular environment after work.
If the time frame for doing something (like completing chores, for example) deviates from the expectation, the question becomes if the requests are bring heard.
Once I realized this was a huge problem for me and it was hurting my relationships badly, I started noticing how common it is for motivated, career-oriented individuals to have problems gaining and maintaining romantic relationships.
They seem to have everything going for them in the workplace, but when they go home, something is missing. Sometimes, they show signs of controlling behavior that causes their partner to flee.
Here are 9 signs you're too bossy and controlling in your relationship.
1. You dislike accepting help and relying upon others and/or you expect them to fail at doing something the right way.
2. You have a lot of rules and expectations for your partner.
3. You find yourself giving others lots of suggestions, unsolicited advice, and what you believe to be constructive criticism.
4. If there is a bad situation, you are the first to take over and order other people around.
5. You insist on being right, having the final word, or ensuring things are done your way.
6. You over-plan simple activities.
7. You are a backseat driver.
8. You become uncomfortable when your personal environment is not how it should be.
9. You feel upset or uncomfortable when someone makes you late or things don't go according to plan.
All of these are things to consider. If you've been told you have controlling behavior by your partner, this is another red flag. This might be true in the heat of the moment or something they said in anger, but there might be a kernel of truth.
Elizabeth Stone is a dating and personal development coach.