What It Means If You Struggle To Let Your Partner Take A Break During A Fight
Talking it out is not always the best choice in a heated moment.
Jupiterimages | Canva We can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing how we respond to conflict. You probably have a pattern of behavior that has an empowering purpose — or at least it did when you were younger.
As an adult, these patterns can be painful and frustrating when they're happening.
Painful frustration can help reveal unresolved wounds that may need attention so you can finally heal them.
Why it's hard for you to take a break during a fight
You want to "talk it out"
When you disagree, you feel compelled to “talk it out” until you come to an understanding. You follow someone to another room to continue that conversation. Or, you continually call someone to keep rehashing an argument. If someone leaves and closes a door, you attempt to continue talking through the closed door or try to gain entry. These conversations tend to last for days at a time. You argue for so long you are exhausted and finally fall asleep without resolution.
You find yourself walking on eggshells or going to great lengths to avoid disagreements. You feel anxious or worried when someone is mad at you. Your partner’s silence or refusal to talk creates feelings of panic for you. You go over and over your conversations in your mind trying to figure out what you may have done or said wrong. You seek outside opinions or look for support from others. You find yourself apologizing often — even if you don’t think you should.
If you can see yourself in all or most of the description above, there’s a good chance you have an anxious attachment style.
That’s what often happens when a person has had a history of uncertain relationships where love was seemingly taken away. Often it feels very unfair. People with anxious attachment issues often struggle with feelings of rejection or abandonment, and obviously, that can be very painful.
That’s why those who struggle with anxious attachment tend to become somewhat hyper-vigilant or on edge. It’s a coping strategy developed over time to help people feel like they won’t be caught off guard.
While an understandable reaction to try to prevent that which you fear, it’s often more risky versus safe as intended. It comes across as needy or insecure — and unfortunately, that’s not usually an attractive quality.
How to change your attachment style & fight patterns
If this whole dynamic I’ve described sounds familiar, this is 100% fixable if you are committed and willing to heal it. Frankly, you deserve to heal because no matter your history, you are worthy of love. Let me say that again. You are worthy of love, and you can have it.
The only thing stopping you at this very point is your “story” about why you can’t have it. But that is 100% changeable if you want to do it and are willing to devote the effort.
I know this for sure because I help clients every day to essentially do the healing work that allows them to rewrite their old, disempowering, and debilitating stories and take on a much more empowering story instead.
Photo: Getty
People who want to be in loving, fulfilling relationships can do that effectively because they have secure attachment styles. Sometimes, this occurs because they grew up in a safe, and you guessed it, a secure environment where love was mostly unconditional and wasn’t taken away as a punishment.
That’s a pretty significant advantage because you don’t live in constant fear of love being taken away unfairly or without warning.
1. Learn to value yourself
Even if you did grow up in an uncertain or somewhat chaotic environment where love was never a sure bet, it’s not a life sentence. You can heal it and resolve it for good. You can learn to know your value, love yourself, and expect to be loved for who you are because you are worthy.
By doing the work and recognizing your patterns, you can learn to truly believe you are deserving of healthy, mutually-beneficial love.
2. Visualize a different way of responding
Even if you give yourself the gift of the healing work you deserve, one day, you might end up in a disagreement with your partner. Yeah, it’ll still happen occasionally.
But instead of panicking or obsessing about love being taken away yet again, you’ll calmly communicate with your partner and find a way to come to a workable, win/win resolution. And instead of freaking out on the inside, you’ll calmly know that every misunderstanding is not the end of the world. Instead, you’ll realize that it’s a chance to create an even deeper understanding and appreciation with a partner who loves and gets you.
Dave Elliott is an international Relationship Coach, author, and human behavior specialist.