3 Issues He Probably Has If He's Been Cheated On
How to navigate issues that pop up when you're with someone who has trust issues.
Nathan Dumlao | Unsplash Women aren't the only ones with trust issues, and men aren't the only ones who cheat on their partners. Regardless of our gender, relationship pain resulting in trust issues can happen to the best of us. The majority of men can't look past being cheated upon, and an affair is a sure reason for them to end their relationships. If you are currently dating a guy who has a history with an unfaithful partner, you are therefore dealing with someone who may have some serious trust issues.
Men who have been cheated on need more time to trust again than women. As a matchmaker and dating coach, I've even seen men spend over 15 years alone just to avoid the pain of being cheated on. They hide in their caves and eventually come out when it gets too lonely.
Women tend to get over cheating more easily than men because women chat with friends, see therapists, and try again. It may have something to do with the biological clock, or come down to the old saying "A problem shared is a problem halved." Women naturally can process emotional things easier than men — we are wired differently.
If you're dating a man with trust issues, he is easily wary about dating women because of his experience. He'll be unlike any other you have dated. He'll be full of insecurities and he may show you some behavior that may be hard for you to understand, particularly by being "hot and cold." Don't take it personally. If you truly like him and hope that things will work out between the two of you, then you have to do things that will help melt away his trust issues. It does take patience, time, and commitment, but if he is a quality guy — and chances are he is — he is worth every second.
So how do you date a guy who's been cheated on? Earning his trust is the only first step. A man with trust issues breeds insecurities, jealousy, and paranoia. If you reversed the situation, what would you want the man you are dating to do to make you feel secure with him? Although it may seem that you have to do plenty of things explicitly to instill trust, it is the only thing you can do. And if he lets you in it's going to be worth it because he'll only break down his walls for someone worthy of his trust.
Here are 3 ways to help your man trust again after cheating:
1. Get rid of his insecurities
A man who has an unfaithful partner tends to have a deflated ego. He was left for another man and is probably questioning whether anything is wrong with him and why he may not have been able to give his previous partner everything she needed. Although his ego is his issue, there are some things that you can do to help improve his self-worth.
Make him realize that the fault doesn't lie with him. Find out what he's great at or passionate about and ask him to do it with you. That way, he can earn his confidence back because someone appreciates him for what he is capable of — and he doesn't have to prove a lot to you.
2. Don't give him any reason to be jealous
Although you can give him the "I won’t cheat on you like your ex did" speech, it takes more than words to convince him. Actions do speak louder than words. Simply don't give him any reason to doubt you. Introduce him to your circle of friends so he doesn't go questioning the people around you and what your relationship with them is. If he feels included, he won't start thinking that you are trying to hide anything (or anyone) from him.
3. Curb his paranoia
He might start asking you why you don't reply to his text message immediately, or why you didn't tell him what you were up to last time, or who was that guy that said hi to you. Although it may take a toll on your nerves, just remember that you can be that way too with a man you're dating, whether you've been cheated on or not. Your patience will go a long way in dispelling any paranoia he may have over whether he can trust you or not.
If you think that it's too much work to be around a man with trust issues, and you become easily frustrated and don't have the patience, then probably he's not worth it for you. A man with trust issues may not hunt you down like an alpha male, or even if he does, his insecurities may surface. It's up to you as to whether you think he is worth the effort. Some say "yes," others say "no." At the end of the day, all I can say is follow your heart.
Samantha Jayne is Australia's leading dating coach and relationship expert who has been featured on Ask Men, The Huffington Post, Forbes, Women's Health, and more.