How To Know If The Guy You Love Doesn't Want You — He Just Wants Your Help
Is he into you or into the way you support him?
Shipilov77777 / shutterstock There are many circumstances and definitions assigned to love and many behaviors they attach to it.
But just for the moment, let's set aside the notion of love.
I am not saying love is not important. It just won't help you answer the question covered here.
How will you know if the guy you're dating or in love with feels the same about you — or if he's using you for a sense of security or to be taken care of?
The answer to the question at hand will come from examining specific behaviors that are important to you.
How can know for sure if these behaviors are what they seem? Are they manufactured with a specific purpose in mind?
Does your man want you, or does he merely want your help?
The question behind that question is: Who are you to this person, and who are they to you?
It's about wants, needs, and desires — not love
Remember, this is not a question about love. This is a question about specific wants, needs, and desires.
For example, many years ago I was in a relationship where I deeply cared for my partner. I saw so many incredible characteristics that inspired me and attracted me to this amazing woman.
I was going through major changes with my business, how I wanted to show up as a teacher and therapist, and getting clear on how devoted I was to a critical assortment of tasks I encountered daily.
Achieving clarity around all these things was difficult to do on my own.
I had mentors and some coaches, but nothing compared to the quality of insight and feedback that came from the woman that knew me the best. To say I desired her help is an understatement. Her presence and her insights were life-changing and life-affirming.
To be perfectly blunt like in the title of this article, “I wanted her help.”
Did I also want her, and what does this question really mean?
What it means to 'want' someone
Did it mean I wanted to be her life partner? Did I want to travel the world with her? Did I want to create a family with her?
Did I want us to be by each other’s side? Did I want us to exercise and dance and explore together?
I know that I also very much wanted to help her in her own endeavors.
Did she know all this? Yes, because we spoke about these very things, and we communicated in the same style so there was always clarity between us.
Were all these things a priority for me? They were important but not enough of a priority to me at that time as they were to her and for this reason, we eventually separated and moved independently in the directions we most needed and desired.
This was not an easy transition, but we both understood why, and this made it possible to split up while remaining very close and caring friends.
Are you listening when he says what he wants? Are you being clear about yours?
As I said, this was not an easy uncoupling, but it could have been far more difficult. We could have lacked the tools to discover our true needs and desires. And this all of us must do with our partners.
This starts with good communication.
Not all couples communicate the same way. And not all men and women show their appreciation or even express their needs in the same way.
These last two sentences are critical to fully understand.
Therefore, before you can address the questions about whether a man wants you or just wants your help, you must be sure you are asking questions and listening to responses, not based on how you want to hear them, but based on the actual meaning in how they are being communicated to you.
Types of communication
For example, the Institute of Genetic Energetics identifies two different communication styles: structural and figurative.
The structural style will base the understanding of communication on the precise words used. The figurative style is far more emotive and listens for an emotion to validate the truth or importance of what is being said.
If you and your partner communicate using different styles, then there is a good chance one of you is conveying how valuable and important your partner is to you — but your partner is not hearing, feeling, or getting it.
Next, we need to understand the behaviors of our partners.
Does he appreciate you?
If your man consistently is asking for your help and never shows appreciation or never shows you how important you are to him, then you may indeed have a big issue.
But what if you are evaluating his responses and actions toward you based on how you would show him or how you like these behaviors to be demonstrated? This is when it would be a good idea to read The Queen's Code by Alison Armstrong.
She makes it very clear that men and women can have very different ways of expressing their desires and appreciation.
Your man may be doing many things to show his desire for you and appreciation of you in his life, outside of just helping him.
And it is also very possible that he also had been doing many of these things for you, which you never recognized nor showed your appreciation for, resulting in him no longer doing the things that he believed you wanted or needed.
And leaving you wondering if he really wants you.
Does he really 'want' you?
Before you will ever know if your man wants you, or just wants your help, you must start by defining what "want" means to you.
Like the word love, it has endless meanings, therefor using this word to define the quality of your relationship will always set you up for failure.
You must know what "want" feels like, looks like, sounds like, and acts like to you.
Then you must decide how important these feelings, circumstances, and characteristics are to you.
Then you must let your man know all of this while being absolutely sure you have communicated all this so he understands, and you are certain he has spoken or demonstrated to you that understanding.
Know when to cut ties
To reiterate, the are three steps to help you know if your romantic partner is merely in it for his own, selfish or codependent purposes, or if he actually is committed to the relationship whole-heartedly:
- Define "want" together so you are on the same page
- Communicate clearly, honestly, and vulnerably.
- Identify the behaviors you want and learn how your man shows you these in his own way.
If you don’t do these three things, you are really in a relationship with just yourself and hoping a man has come along that can simply back you up.
You are not there to grow and expand as a couple with a joint vision, and the understanding that as individuals your behaviors, personality, and directions may change.
Finally, if you have done all these things and your man just wants you to help him and has no desire to build a future or contribute to a relationship together the answer is easy, it might be time to reconsider your options for romance.
Larry Michel is the Founder of the Institute of Genetic Energetics and a Relationship Restoration Counselor, helping individuals and couples discover the deepest influences that drive their relationships to flourish.