10 Harsh Signs Your Mother Is A Misogynist
Signs your mother hates women.
Krakenimages.com/ Shutterstock My friend Janelle* has had a rough, rough life — and most of it is due to her mother, Elise*. Janelle, for all intents and purposes, was a fairly well-behaved lady. She dressed like a normal girl, she had crushes and she always tried to please her mom. I wouldn’t be lying if I said that most parents would have loved to have a daughter like Janelle.
Elise was having none of it and everyone around Janelle knew. Speaking as someone who knew her as a college freshman, it was painful to be around her when she was with her mom.
Her mom always managed to find a way to make a dig at Janelle. Sometimes, it’d be because "she’s hanging out with those wh*res at school." Other times, it was because her grades slumped, she wore the wrong makeup or she just looked fat.
Even when I had dropped by her house to drop off some clothing, Elise made a point of just radiating hate toward her kid. She went so far as to apologize to my then-boyfriend about the way "Janelle looked so awful."
Eventually, Janelle had enough of her mother’s BS and ghosted her. My crew all had a mini-celebration when that happened and quickly became her new family. Her story is not unique. A lot of girl moms hate women.
Whether we admit it or not, some moms really hate their kids.
I really wish people would stop painting motherhood like it’s all sunshine and rainbows for everyone involved because it’s not always true. Our society doesn’t like to admit this, but some moms really never actually love their kids.
Anecdotally, I’ve noticed that the moms who tend to reject their kids are usually women who have a lot of internalized misogyny in them.
The kids they reject? They’re almost always female.
If you are a kid whose parents rejected them, you know it’s not in your head. You know that, deep down in there, your parent just really doesn’t like you.
Unfortunately, nothing you can do will change their opinion of you. Misogynistic mothers behave in ways that are way out of line.
What I always found interesting about misogynistic mothers is that they tend to display the same behaviors, but will have different backgrounds and ways of doing it.
Here are 10 signs your mother is a misogynist:
1. She makes a point of destroying your relationships with people or telling you that no man will love you
I don’t know why so many moms do this to their daughters, but it’s a thing. Maybe it’s because they are jealous of the male attention their kid’s getting. IDK.
2. Your mom encourages you to put up with abuse and cheating from men or others
No parent should ever do this, but a lot do.
If your mother keeps telling you to be nicer and nicer to the guys who are hurting you, it may be time to recognize she’s doing this to hurt you.
3. She slut-shames you
This is a blazing red alert that your mom has issues.
Why’s she so invested in your sex life anyway? It’s creepy, and feel free to tell her I said that.
4. You have brothers and she favors them
Yikes on spikes, this is really bad.
If you’re the only girl and the black sheep, then you definitely have reason to be angry.
5. She congratulates her sons on having sex but blames you if you have sex
Contrary to popular belief, the Madonna-Whore Complex can also affect women.
6. Sexual purity is a major sticking point for her
This is not okay. Purity culture is not healthy nor is it something that anyone should enforce. It’s rooted in misogyny.
7. It feels like your mom views you as competition or a threat
Do you know how people who you’re competing with often will make subtle digs or try to subvert your work in one way or another?
Yeah, if you’re a girl with a misogynistic mom, you’ll pick up that same vibe from Mother Dearest.
8. She always makes digs at your looks
Once again, this is never for the girl’s benefit. In many cases, misogynistic moms may encourage eating disorders or self-injury.
This is not the girl’s fault. Her mom is just attacking her because she can’t look in the mirror at herself.
9. If you get raped, you know that she will side with the attacker
A normal mom will rush you to the hospital, file a police report and do anything to comfort you.
A misogynistic mom will blink and ask you, "What were you wearing?"
10. She’s very controlling
Don’t ask me why, but a lot of misogynistic mothers tend to have a sick pleasure out of controlling their daughters — often banning stuff that makes them happy for no reason aside from upsetting them.
It’s not your fault if your mom hates women.
I’ll be the first to tell you that your mom’s behavior is not your fault. In fact, there’s nothing you can really do to earn your mother’s love.
It sucks, but it’s true. None of this is your fault, and it’s on your mom — not you — to fix it.
A mother’s misogyny can happen for a wide range of different reasons.
Most of the time, it’s how she grew up. If your mom grew up in a culture that’s notoriously anti-woman (like Evangelical Christianity), she could have internalized the message that being female is bad.
Some women also go through a significant amount of sex-based trauma growing up. She could have been bullied by mean girls. She could have had you when she didn’t want a kid and now wants to take her rage out on you.
Or, you know, sometimes, people are awful.
Your mom might be mean for meanness’s sake. There’s not always an explanation for a person’s foul attitude and it’s important to realize that.
Once again, this is not your fault. What happened to your mom is her responsibility to parse out.
You did not deserve any of the abuse or neglect that she put you through. If we’re honest, she’s not fit to have kids.
What do you do if you’re a girl whose mother hates women?
I wish that I could say that there is a magic potion you could drink that could give you the love you should have gotten from your mom. Unfortunately, there’s no such thing.
Personally, I’ve never seen a mother-daughter relationship heal from a mother’s misogyny.
With that said, you don’t necessarily need to put up with this.
Here’s what I suggest you do if your mother hates women:
1. Regardless of how bad it is, I strongly encourage you to get away from her
Look, your mother is probably not going to change. The best thing you can do for yourself is to limit contact so that you don’t internalize the digs she makes at you.
You need space from her to heal.
2. Please, for your own sake, stop talking to her and move out ASAP
Start making plans now and ask around for help. Reach out to social workers if need be.
This is not your fault, but you do need to stay away from her. She’s abusing you.
3. Boundaries are your friend
Remember, no is a full answer and you don’t have to tell her stuff — even if she’s really trying hard to pry.
If she can’t behave, cut her off or walk away.
4. If you can, get therapy
If you cannot do that, try to find a support group online where you can vent and unlearn the lessons that your mother tried to teach you.
Reddit’s r/raisebynarcissists and several ex-fundie sites can be priceless here.
5. Don’t try to hide your mom’s behavior from others
Be open with your friends that your mom treats you terribly. It’s okay to admit that you’re being abused at home.
In many cases, your friends or coworkers may be able to offer you a place to stay.
6. If your mother controls everything you do and won’t allow you to move out, call the cops to get your documents out of the house
Seriously. Call the police and get your stuff, since it IS your stuff.
Have a plan in place and a place to go before you do this. Otherwise, it may get harder to move out a second time.
7. If you are under 18, consider calling CPS or telling a counselor
In many cases, misogynistic moms’ verbal abuse is enough to get a case started with a social worker.
You want to start a paper trail so that you can get some support to move out as soon as you turn 18.
8. If you are scared for your safety, call 911 and leave immediately
While it’s ideal to have a job and apartment squared away before you bolt, the truth is that it’s not that easy if you’re scared of your mother physically hurting you. Let the cops deal with it.
9. If you want to confront her, do so when you’ve moved out and have a way to keep her away from you
Establishing boundaries is a must. Once you have clear boundaries and space where she can’t harm you, it’s okay to tell her why you have no interest in speaking with her anymore.
Who knows? Maybe she’ll have a "come to Jesus" moment.
A final word from me:
Having a mother who has a crazy amount of misogyny is not something I’d wish on my own worst enemy.
I want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s actually one of the most common issues I’ve seen with women my age.
Most women who are misogynistic tend to make other women feel like they’re crazy for wanting basic respect. So, before anything else, I want you to know this is not your fault, that you’re not alone and no, you’re not crazy.
You are not imagining things. You deserve love, respect, privacy, and stability. Your mother betrayed you by not giving these things to you.
Despite everything, you can still have a good future ahead of you. It’s all about how you react to it all.
Don’t wait around for Mother Dearest to fix this stuff. Start building your life without her. It’ll take time to unlearn everything she’s tried to force on you.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.