11 Small Habits Of People Who Are Ultra-Confident In Their Relationships
Behaviors that require only a slight shift in worldview can reap endless benefits in love.
Lucas Favre | Unsplash Even the most confident people can feel a little insecure in relationships, especially when that relationship feels high-value to them. The key to being more confident in these relationships is to start from within, building confidence in yourself, first, and then your partner. This happens subtly, with small behaviors that are practiced until you become more confident in all of your relationships.
As part of a survey, we asked readers to fill in the blank: "I have the most confidence in my relationship when my partner/spouse ____."
The top two most popular reader answers were "compliments me/tells me how they feel about me" and "really listens to me/gives me their full attention." These are helpful, but we wanted to learn from experts their most effective tools for becoming more confident in relationships. Here is what we learned.
Here are 11 subtle behaviors of people who are confident in relationships
1. They stay in the present
On a daily basis, take time for yourself to clear your mind and set your intention for how you will be in your relationship. Journaling can be a great way to solidify your intention.
Once you have solidified your intentions, repeating positive affirmations that reinforce the feelings that you want to feel can be helpful, too. Research has shown that it's more than just "wishful thinking" to say positive things to yourself, it can actually affect your behavior! If you need to, try writing, "I am present in the moment" and "I appreciate the moment just how it is" on post-its and place on your mirror or somewhere in your car where you will see it.
2. They have a positive mindset
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Take stock of your relationship as it is and identify the wonderful things that you're already experiencing, as well as concrete examples of things you would like to improve.
Express gratitude for your blessings every day, and know that you have the power to respond with love in all other areas, and exercise your power to create a life that excites you. After all, gratitude has been shown in studies to help improve people's overall well-being and has enormous benefits on relationships, too!
3. They let go of what's holding them back
Ask yourself why you have allowed your confidence to falter in this relationship. Is it possible that you sabotage your relationship with negative patterns of thought or behavior driven by a little but loud voice that says you aren't worthy of love?
Acknowledging limiting beliefs is important, but so is learning to let them go. Try journaling with a two-column approach. Column one: what is limiting with you? Column two: How can I let this go? After all, journaling to simply rehash negative experiences doesn't get the job done. Research, including an influential pilot study, showed that journaling with an intention to increase empathy and move toward forgivness was highly effective, while standard journaling was less so.
End your journalling sessions with affirmations of what you do want and take a nice, deep breath.
4. They know what they want
Clarity breeds confidence, while fear and doubt threaten your self-esteem. See yourself in the relationship of your dreams and imagine all you want is possible.
Going back to the previous point, however, don't let yourself be boxed in by self-limiting beliefs.
Relationship coach Marilyn Sutherland says, "You trust yourself to get what you need — you don't need to know everything."
5. The ideate the life they dream of
While this may be a side effect of your newfound confidence, this step is really about engaging yourself in a commitment to create a life that excites you. Make a declaration, because you're worthy of having a loving and fulfilling relationship. Believe that you have the capacity to love and be loved.
Sutherland advises, "One way of looking at confidence is knowing you are worthy of love, and owning your gifts and talents."
6. They 'walk the walk'
Actions speak louder than words, so start making confident choices that are true to your commitment and your vision. While "fake it 'til you make it" sounds like old-fashioned mumbo-jumbo, Dan Ariely, a psychologist, explains that simply wanting to change an unproductive or even unhealthy behavior is not enough. You have to change the environment and remove the obstacles.
When you try to "walk the walk" (i.e. do the thing you want to do, don't just think about it or talk about it), we find the obstacles do doing them regularly. When you change bad habits, you start to feel good about yourself. When you feel good about yourself, you believe anything is possible.
Your confidence will soar, and you will reap the rewards because you're stepping into your power and making your choices count.
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7. They express their truest selves
Naturally, your biggest supporter in this relationship is your partner, so share your dreams and challenges with them. Yes, you will need to be vulnerable, but willingness to be vulnerable is one of the greatest displays of confidence!
Communicate the changes you would like to make, make any apologies you feel are due, and express your feelings and your intentions with confidence.
8. They come from a place of compassion
Whenever I see couples responding to each other with eye rolls or sighs, I give them a 50% chance of making it. The reason for this is that eye rolling sends a message of contempt, which is far from benign. In fact, relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman call it one of the "Four Horsemen" of a doomed relationship!
It's very difficult to respond openly or lovingly to someone who has contempt for you. So, if openness and loving is what you want from your partner, stop rolling your eyes.
9. They lead with gratitude
Before complaining to your partner about something, thank them for something they did for you today.
By expressing gratitude, you improve your overall well-being, which has been proven in many research studies and summarized well in an article by Harvard Health. One big benefit is that your posture, tone of voice and facial expression also change toward your partner!
Gratitude can be simple, from, "I really appreciate the time you take to care for the kids" and "Thank you for cleaning up the kitchen" to somethign profound, like, "I am so grateful we chose one another!"
10. They exercise regularly
This will not only make you feel better about yourself physically, but it will also improve your mood and help boost hormones.
Resistance training has been shown to benefit endocrine health in both men and women, helping keep people stronger for longer. This benefits energy levels, as well. It can also help increase desire and even blood-flow in men and overall intimate physical function in women — all of which can benefit your confidence in physical aspects of your relationship.
11. They keep their bodies well-fed
Eating better foods can help your mind and boost your energy.
When people go off diets or eat poorly, they often get down on themselves. This mental baggage can carry over into daily activities and relationships. So, add fruit and veggies into your daily routine and skip processed foods.
In accomplishing the steps above, in time, you will come to realize how strong, capable and beautiful you are as an individual.
Ultimately, confidence — in or out of a relationship — comes from taking care of yourself and the acts of love you show, and bestow upon, yourself.
True confidence is something that can only come from within. It isn't something transactional that's predicated on external actions or events.
Author and Clinical Hypnotherapist Keya Murthy affirms this by explaining that "You need healthy self-esteem and self-worth to feel good about yourself. Insecurity and confidence are both internal affairs and doing external things give you temporary results but will still keep you feeling insecure and bad about yourself."
When you're confident in your relationship, you're happier in who you are and, in turn, you're more fulfilled in your relationship, and the more you're able to show your worth and value to the person who loves you.
With this understanding, their love for you will continue to grow, as will your love for each other.
Lisa L. Payne is a life transitions coach, motivational speaker, and author of the book, "What If They Knew? Secrets of an Impressive Woman." Ashley E. Seeger, LCSW, is a psychotherapist who specializes in couples counseling.
