You can keep your casual hookups .... sex with a true partner is mind-blowing!
Sex in marriage always gets a bad rap. Like saying "I do" is a guaranteed death sentence to passion.
However, I found that it never took me more than a few months to get bored in ANY relationship. Marriage has nothing to do with it.
By the time my partner Jo and I got together, I'd been intimate with over 100 women. And even in the rocky first four years of our relationship, I had one foot out the door.
I craved something I couldn't name (primarily because it wasn't real). I yearned for some cross between what Erica Jong called the "zip-less fuck" and the fairy princess in whose arms I'd never again feel unloved.
But, of course ... I love icing! In fact, we had sex two days ago, and despite the fact, or rather because of the fact that we've been together for 11 YEARS, it was truly as good as any sex I've ever had.
So, I started to think about why married (or seriously-committed-relationship) sex is head-and-shoulders-above BETTER than sex while dating. Of course, it requires some intention. If one of you is an unenthusiastic or a selfish lover, or overly indulges with idealized images and porn, all bets are off.
The secret to staying in love and keeping sexual connection hot is understanding how to keep intimacy alive despite the years? Here are five reasons that sex in marriage truly ROCKS!
1. You Can Relax — And Sex Is So Much Better When You Do
In dating, there's pressure to get it right. What if one person has an orgasm and the other doesn't? Did you do it "right"?
When you're with a true partner, you gain enormous space for exploring and trying new things. Whatever happens, it's all beautiful and loving. And because you're relaxed, you enjoy yourself the entire time.
2. Your Buttons Get Pushed
With a partner that doesn't know you, frustration about not having your key arousal spots stroked is likely. Everyone is so different.
I've been with women who love having their nipples teased, and others that can't stand it. It's the same with men. It's a minefield out there! Moreover, when you have experience with each other, you learn the sure-fire techniques you know will blow your partner's mind every time.
3. The Afterglow Actually Lasts
When you have sex with someone you really love, the energy generated in that lovemaking carries over into your whole day, and more. Every touch is a beautiful, warm, sexy reminder. When you create space for it, sex and intimacy are an amazing, spiritual experience that continue outside the bedroom.
4. It's Concentrated — If You Concentrate.
When I was dating, every woman was fair game. I also spent time going to strip clubs and watching porn on the Internet — or even just musing about beautiful models or actresses.
Frankly, I've done the same thing in committed relationships — and I fully attribute that behavior to perhaps the #1 reason those relationships failed. (How could any real woman measure up to those air-brushed fantasies?)
Now that I have a spiritual practice of focusing all my sexual and attraction energy on Jo, she becomes an almost mythical creature to me. It's amazing how much sexier and more beautiful she becomes the more she ages. Now, every time I touch her it's a turn-on. Pouring all of my sexual energy in that one direction (her) heightens it, magnifies it, and deepens it in such powerful and pleasurable ways.
5. It's Dependable — If You Make It So.
If you're both committed to a healthy sex life, then you make time for it — even with two jobs and small children. I invited one busy couple I worked with, who was having sex about twice a year, to schedule a time they would do it every week, without fail.
The guy (the one who'd been complaining about the lack of sex) worried that it wouldn't be "spontaneous." But they gave it a whirl and were so successful, I decided to take my own advice.
It turns out that scheduled sex is better than spontaneous sex! Since you know it's coming, you start getting excited at any point without fear of disappointment. I might lay in bed for an hour waiting for Jo, just to enjoy the anticipation. It also takes the terror of being turned down off the table.
Great sex is more of a product of a great relationship, than the cause of one. But a relationship that does not include a healthy sex life is always disappointing at some level.
If you are in a committed relationship and you don't have an amazing sex relationship, don't blame marriage. It's in the hands of you and your partner. Sometimes all it requires is a simple change in your point of view.