Lie to yourself all you want, it's not hard to tell if he cares.
It's a simple idea, right? Even an obvious one, but I admit ... I just didn't get it.
Christopher had strung me along for 2 years. I lived in LA and he was in San Francisco. We were an hour apart by air, or 6 hours by car, yet we'd only seen each other twice in that time. It seems crazy now, but back then, it made sense. Well, the truth is I made it make sense. I convinced myself that he was my soul mate and that all I needed was patience and he'd soon come around. There may have been some abandonment issues I was not facing in that scenario.
This is only one of the relationship mistakes I made: waiting for Christopher. I made a few more, all because I desperately wanted my search for love to be over already; I was tired of being single. In my need to make Christopher "the one", I lost my common sense. I went into a state of denial and stayed there far too long.
Here's how I created this painful situation for myself.
I let other people's influence keep me hanging on.
I was desperate to be loved so, anytime my better judgment tried to get my attention I would shut it down. Rather than listening to my inner voice, I'd call one of my "non-judgmental" friends. I knew they would encourage me and support my dream of being with Christopher. If they failed to boost me up enough, I'd call one of two psychics and talk to about my situation to them. Both of them insisted that Christopher was my soul mate and it was only a matter of time before he would wake up to that fact. I chose to believe anyone who supported us being together.
I let him dictate the nature of our relationship.
Because I was afraid of losing Christopher, I let him determine how and when we'd get together. It was always according to his schedule. He was an artist, a painter who worked in his studio by himself. Yet somehow, his calendar would be filled with social events, tennis lessons, or gallery shows to attend. There was always something that prevented him from making the journey to see me. I didn't notice (call it denial) that he never invited me to visit him to enjoy any of these activities. He established the expectation that he would be the one traveling to me and I didn't question it.
I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.
The first time we were apart he promised he'd call the next day. But time passed and I didn't hear from him. Rather than call him, I called one of my psychics. She told me he'd call and 3 days later he did. His excuse? He ran into an old girlfriend who wanted him to give their relationship another try. This confused him and he was no longer sure how he felt about me. I told him I understood his dilemma and was determined to win him back. I'd prove to him that what we'd felt was real; that he was meant to be with me. I even accepted his excuses when at the last minute he cancelled trips to visit me. I couldn't be sure what was going on in his life, but I always chose to believe him.
Before I knew it two entire years flew by. I was still single and alone in LA. Christopher was now "sort of seeing" the old girlfriend he had mentioned to me in our first phone call. Never the less, I kept hanging on because he kept telling me how much he cared for me, yet he still remained confused about our situation.
At this point I decided I had to talk to him. I rarely reached out first since he made it clear he would be the one doing the calling. But at this point, I felt I had to connect. When I called and said "hi," there was a silence on his end. Then he said, "Yeah, tennis tomorrow would be good," and hung up on me. She was there! I tried to make it okay in my mind. At least she wasn't living with him, but was that true? I had a sick feeling in my gut knowing he was deceiving her, just as he was deceiving me.
There was nothing left for me to do. I sat on the floor overwhelmed with feelings of disappointment and hurt. Should I call him back? What would I say? The question hung in my mind. Then, out of nowhere I heard a voice in my head. It didn't sound like my voice, but it was very distinct. It spoke simply and quietly, "If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you."
All other thoughts stopped and I sat very still. It was an "aha" moment. The truth of these words vibrated within me. There was room for nothing else, no excuses, no explanations and no blame.
"If he wanted to be with me, he'd be with me." Yes, of course.
I got up, went to my desk, and wrote Christopher a goodbye letter. I didn't need to talk to him again. I understood that he had simply never been capable of giving me the love I was looking for.
From then on it was simple. I can tell if a man wants to be with me or not. I've learned this lesson well.