The SHOCKING Thing I Learned About Men On Ashley Madison

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Heartbreak, Self

What men really want and why they're willing to cheat to get it may surprise you.

After being forever faithful in an 18-year marriage, I found myself on Ashley Madison, a dating site for married people.

I realized just how lonely I felt in my marriage, and it seemed like a last resort after many attempts at counseling. Like many long-term relationships, we fell victim to the demands in our society, finding ourselves living like hamsters on a wheel — going to work, coming home, taking care of the kids and household duties, eating, sleeping, back to work.  

To make matters worse, I was dealing with an empty nest. My daughter was in her second year of college and my husband had started a new job that required him to travel most of the time, and he very seldom called home. At 46-years-old, one thing I knew for sure was that I was no longer willing to “settle” in my life, and it was up to me to change it. 

Until that point, I lived for everyone else, taking care of everything and everyone else. What I really longed for more than anything was passion and to feel desired. I could count on one hand the number of times my husband and I made love in one year. My libido and his libido greatly differed. 

It was clear to me that our love languages weren’t the same. I wanted sex and lots of it. I wanted to feel cherished. I wanted someone to yearn for me. That’s what led me to Ashley Madison.

I gave my husband an ultimatum. “If you don’t want me anymore, then I’ll have to find someone who does,” I told him. I gave him two months to change, but he didn’t make an effort to spend more time with me or show me more affection. So, I signed up for Ashley Madison in April 2013. I told myself it wasn’t cheating because I was honest about it. Since I wasn’t sure if I was going to stay married or not, I couldn’t commit to a “real” full-time relationship.

I just wanted to find someone who had the same needs as me: attention, affection, sex and friendship.

Signing Up Was Super Easy 

On Ashley Madison, they charge men for every little thing but women sign up for free. I created my profile, and I was brutally honest. I was a “virgin” to online dating and quite naïve, so I posted my picture, used my real name and told it all. (Looking back, that wasn't a safe thing to do!) I had approximately 200 messages in my inbox by the end of the day.

In the beginning, I thought I needed to “be polite” and respond to everyone who sent me a wink. That was short-lived. I quickly figured out that those who were really interested in me sent a written message. Even then, I could tell which ones were canned (copy and pasted) and which men actually read my profile.

The worst cheaters were the traveling businessmen that wanted a girlfriend in every city. “I’ll be in Columbus next week. Can you meet me?” Lame!

Minus several perverts asking me about my bra size and requesting nude photos, it surprised me to find that many Ashley Madison members are professional, middle-aged men, most of whom have wives and kids.

Within hours I realized that I was a rare breed on the site. I was authentic, honest and just me — at least that was the feedback I got. “A real live goddess,” they called me. I must admit, I loved the attention at first, but I was also concerned with whether or not it was authentic. I asked myself, What is it about these men that brings them here? They seem successful in every other area of their lives, so what makes them want to seek an affair outside of their marriage? Were they truly lonely in marriage, like me, or were they just players wanting sex?

They Still Put Marriage First

As I read through each profile, I noticed an underlying message from each one of them: “I'm lonely in my relationship, but I’m committed and not willing to leave.” 

Each one of them, just like me, was hoping that by joining a website, they would somehow fill a void in their life that was missing. On the surface, it looked like all they wanted was sex with “no strings attached.” For some of them, this is true. However, I met many men who wanted “that one special person to have a safe, loving, affectionate, discreet relationship with.” 

Most of them weren’t the egotistical scumbags or players that I prepared myself for.

They were loving, kind, hard-working family men. What impressed me the most about my communications with these men is that, above everything else, they remained committed to staying in the marriage and continued to put family first. They made sure they were at their kids’ sports games and band concerts and there to mow the lawn on Saturday. I learned that what they were missing most wasn’t just sex — it was acknowledgment, appreciation, affection and love.

We Were Looking For The Same Thing

Each of us yearns for the love, attention, acknowledgement, passion, playfulness and joy that we experience early in dating and marriage. I realized that choosing to have an affair outside of marriage was never going to fix my relationship. It was time for me to move on and start a new life for myself — learn to love myself again and naturally attract my soulmate who could fulfill my emotional and physical needs.

Ashley Madison never filled that hole in my heart because what I wanted was someone to nurture, cherish, desire and love me.

Deep down, that’s what we ALL want.


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