4 Truths About Confidence That Make Or Break Whether You Find Love

Here's the truth (and you've heard it before) — If your self-confidence isn't solid, it doesn't matter how good you look or how much you want to find love … you're not ready for a truly great relationship.  

Your confidence is at the core of everything you're either attracting or repelling in your love life. It makes all the difference in the types of relationships you attract (or don't attract) and the potential dating partners who find you … or avoid you.

Your overall health and wellbeing is also directly attached to your level of self-esteem. Life has an ironic way of mirroring the exact way you feel about yourself, and you're most likely attracting men that match that current level of confidence.

Of course, you might think that your confidence is rock solid; however if you're not attracting high-quality, relationship-ready men then a surefire way to figure out why is by listening to your own inner dialogue ... if your reasons for being single sound something like this:

• "I have to fight to get what I want"
• “If you don't like me, it's your loss"
• "I can't really trust everyone"
• “I have to protect myself so I don't get hurt."
• “I'm going to get taken advantage of if I'm not careful."
• “I'm never going to get hurt again …"
• “I'm not worth it."
• “I'm too fat, so why bother? It's never going to work for me."

There's a chance your confidence is in need of a tune-up and you're looking for a relationship to make you feel better about YOU, not to actually find a partner to share your love and life with. This inner dialogue reflects that your confidence level is NOT at a good place to attract the high-quality man you desire and deserve.

When you are confident, you feel at ease in your skin; you like who you are, and what you represent in the world is both positive and attractive.

To help fortify your sense of self, here are four critical things about authentic confidence that you should know:

1. Having confidence is a choice (and a habit)

Confidence is not something like green, blue, or brown eyes that you are born with. Confidence is an ongoing relationship with yourself. Your own confidence is like a plant that needs watering and nurturing daily, especially when you are getting ready for being in a committed relationship. Confidence doesn't mean that you have to embody the most charismatic, and over the top extrovert. In fact, confidence has nothing to do with being an introvert or extrovert. It does, however, have everything to do with you taking the time to value yourself.

2. Confidence fluctuates over time, it's not static or ever at a perfect level

The question is — are you committed to creating (and sustaining) a great level of confidence and a relationship with yourself? Let's do a quick inventory. On a Confidence scale of one to ten (ten being high and one being low), check your own gut and come up with the number where would you rate your current level of overall confidence in yourself. 

If you wrote down that your confidence is a five, then know that you're going to fluctuate somewhere between a four and a six. And you'll typically attract partners with a confidence average of a five, as well. If you want to up level your "attraction magnet" to men, you must increase your confidence.

3. Confidence grows in slow steady steps (not giant leaps)

Many of you just leap into "perfectionistic" thinking — "If I'm a four, how do I quickly get to a ten?" As your coach in this situation, I'd say it's more realistic to ask yourself: "If I'm a four, how can I reach a five?" And, if you're a five: "How am I going reach a six?"

4. Confidence work doesn't stop when a man shows up

Often women work diligently on their self-esteem and confidence while single, but as soon as they find a man, they stop working on themselves to focus all of their energy on the relationship. As a result, their newly emerging confidence quickly backslides, which turns off the guy who fell for (what he thought was) a confident woman. Relationship-ready men can sense your level of confidence and it can cause them to either be magnetically drawn towards you or mysteriously disappear.

So, what should you do if your confidence needs some work?

You might want to stop dating for a while and focus your energy on yourself. Self-prioritization is not about being selfish. It means that you acknowledge your responsibility to create the life you want for yourself. This time "solo" is about your development. It's about choosing to grow your confidence, valuing yourself at the deepest level, and taking accountability for being the fullest version of you without apology or embarrassment.  

Once you get clear about your level of confidence and how it shows up when you present yourself on dates, you can increase your relationship readiness and ultimately magnetize quality men towards you.

But more importantly, you'll have the stand-straight courage to go after what you want, knowing you don't have to settle because you're actually putting out energy congruent with who you truly are. And from that authentically confident space, you'll begin naturally attracting the man you dream of, the perfect man for you.

Are You Ready To Find Love That Lasts? Apply for an "IGNITE LOVE NOW" Discovery Session with Teena. Teena Evert is a licensed marriage and family therapist and love relationship coach. She helps proactive savvy women who are ready to design a life they want so they can have the love they deserve.