You may realize by now that your sex life prior to the infidelity was a point of conflict.
After an affair, deciding to stay together may be one of the most difficult decisions you will ever make. You have decided to listen to your heart and not to any of your well-meaning friends or relatives who may be telling you to leave. You both want to work on your relationship and are committed to a new monogamy, together.
So what's next? A new sex life — with each other. You may realize by now that your sex life prior to the infidelity was a point of conflict, either you weren't having enough of it or one of you was more satisfied than the other. Moving forward in a new relationship with each other means that your erotic recovery will be key to your new monogamy.
Remember, your erotic relationship is the thing that separates you from being merely roommates.
In order to move forward into a new romantic relationship together, this part of your relationship will take on a new level of importance for both of you.
For now, know that your sex life is not to blame for your affair. In fact, many couples who have healthy and full sex lives still cheat. But if sex is something that you identified in your past as an issue for either of you, you will need to continue to work on your sex life if you want to continue your life together.
Start slowly. Make a date for sex once a week. Start by holding each other, with no expectation of intercourse. Talk softly to one another about your feelings as you lie down closely and talk about how that feels. One of you may be more ready than the other. Try and wait until you are both ready to move forward.
It may take several weeks (or even months) of sex dates before you are both on the same page. Spending quality time being intimate in this way will help you to focus on your new erotic life as a couple and help you to talk about what's important for each of you in your new future.
Dr. Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert and the author of Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together.