The safer we feel, the more likely we are to open up and let our partner in, both literally and figuratively. And yet the safer we feel, the less likely we are to feel turned on by our partner. Familiarity doesn't turn us on. It makes us want to snuggle.
I'm not talking about safe sex as in using protection from STDs or birth preventing unwanted pregnancy. I am talking about feeling emotionally safe; safe from getting hurt, being abandoned or betrayed.
Initially when we are first in love or attracted to our partner, we don't feel safe yet. We don't know if they are trustworthy — do they really like us, will they leave us, do they want us and only us? And do we really want them?
When the relationship starts to feel safe — those first sexual encounters can be hot. They are charged with the intensity that comes from a new relationship.
Trust comes later, when you are in the later stages of a partnership and you feel more relaxed, more comfortable. The sex might even get better as you get to know each other and feel more comfortable asking for what you want, and being naked with the lights on.
But the really hot, intense attraction phase happens when there is no sense of safety or trust. Emotional intimacy comes from working through conflicts and getting to know each other’s habits and foibles.
Being comfortable with one another is great, but it doesn't necessarily lead back to those earlier times when the sex was great. You might have a wonderful friendship, and be happy that you have found a good partner for life. But the risk is that the sex can become monotonous.
The safe relationship that you have created can make the sex kind of boring.
To keep the sex "first time" exciting, you will need to add a little bit of adventure to your intimate life. Taking risks can lead to bigger turn ons. To create that rush of erotic energy you can try adding something new to your sexual repertoire. Push your edge. Find some unexplored sexual territory. That might mean you each act out a fantasy that you haven't ever shared before.
Taking risks can lead to greater places of trust and intimacy. Playing it safe won't take you there — playing it safe just makes you feel safer.
This weekend try something new. Tell your partner one thing you want to do to them, or have them do to you. Maybe have sex in an unfamiliar place, or in a new position. Try a sex toy or dress up in a costume, or try acting out a scene from your favorite erotic novel or movie.
Even if your new fantasy is an epic fail and you both realize that the same old safe sex you've been having works best for both of you, at least you have the memory of trying something new, and this can only bring the two of you closer.
For more information on how to make your sex life hot and spicy, regardless of how long you have been together go to www.drtammynelson.com and sign up for my mailing list today. You will receive monthly suggestions about how you can improve your erotic connection. And buy my newly updated Getting the Sex You Want, now in paperback, for some great ideas to make any random Tuesday night a hot, erotic night of lovemaking.