And that makes sense. The safer we feel the more likely we are to open up and let our partner in, both literally and figuratively. And yet the safer we feel, the less likely we are to feel turned on by our partner. Familiarity doesn't turn us on. It makes us want to snuggle.
I'm not talking about safe sex as in using protection from STDs or birth preventing unwanted pregnancy. I am talking about feeling emotionally safe; safe from getting hurt, being abandoned or betrayed. Initially when we are first in love or attracted to our partner, we don't feel safe yet. We don't know if they are trustworthy – do they really like us, will they leave us, do they want us and only us? And do we really want them?
When the relationship starts to feel safe – those first sexual encounters can be hot. They are charged with the intensity that comes from a new relationship.
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Trust comes later, when you are in the later stages of a partnership and you feel more relaxed, more comfortable. The sex might even get better as you get to know each other and feel more comfortable asking for what you want, and being naked with the lights on. But the really hot, intense attraction phase happens when there is no sense of safety or trust. Emotional intimacy comes from working through conflicts and getting to know each other’s habits and foibles. Being comfortable with one another is great, but it doesn’t necessarily lead back to those earlier times when the sex was great. You might have a wonderful friendship, and be happy that you have found a good partner for life. But the risk is that the sex can become monotonous. The safe relationship that you have created can make the sex kind of boring. Keep reading...
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