His curiosity is perfectly normal.
Let’s get straight to the point. Something is up with your man. You’ve been trying to put a finger on it, but you find it less frustrating to tweeze your eyebrows. More painful, but less frustrating.
He’s not putting off the clear vibe that he's cheating, yet perhaps that's part of the picture. And, to say he’s not still showing interest in you is blowing things out of proportion.
But your gut is telling you that something is going on. Something, thus far, indiscernible. He’s moody, yet not his normal moody self. He’s uninterested, yet you can't pinpoint the pattern of disinterest. And on top of all that, he’s actually enjoying hanging out with your best friend Jill and her fiancé Bryan (with a "y" not an "i" )— a miracle you never thought you’d see in your lifetime.
Confusion, frustration, and this possible bromance with Bryan (with a "y" not an "i") has got you biting your lower lip asking, "Is my guy considering playing catcher with Bryan or is my imagination running wild?"
Sigh. Welcome to the modern playground of sex and sexuality, where there’s more shades of grey than there are fans of the trilogy. Which then leaves a lady wondering, "What’s really going on with my man?"
You could start by asking him straight up, but more than likely, he’ll dodge the bullet. Because he’s not exactly sure what’s got his Calvin’s pressing hard against the zipper of his 501s!
In other words, you won’t get a straight, bi- or gay answer until he’s figured out if he’s straight, bi, gay or just exploring his sexual curiosity.
As confusing as his behavior is to you, it’s even more confusing to him. After all, what’s a man to do when his masculine sexual energy starts toying with the idea of cross-exploring his feminine sexual energy?
For most guys, they’re going to deny, feel angry, start bargaining with themselves, possibly feel depressed, then finally accept that they want to explore the land of M4M playtime. Yes, they’re going to plunge through the five stages of grief to get to the other side of who they are in their sexual essence as a man.
Quietly and discretely, they’ll also probably go explore with other boys who are trying to figure it out, too. So, where does that leave you? Looking for the real answers rather than jumping to conclusions.
If you’re up for getting to the truth about your man’s truest intentions, here are five sure-fire ways to determine whether your man is gay, bisexual, straight, or just exploring.
1. Understand that sexuality is fluid.
We’re all sexual beings with fluid sexual desires. It's not unlike loathing Mom’s brussel sprouts as a child, yet now salivating like Pavlov’s dog every time you see them on the menu — tastes change!
To think otherwise only causes the drama queens in your head to rule your world. Instead, in those intimate moments, start exploring with your man. Get curious about what's making him say 'hello' from the other side. You never know what you’ll discover that might spice up your sex life for both of you.
2. Assume nothing. Clarify first.
If you’re having a daily courtroom drama playing out in your head about your man’s sexual orientation, then you better stop it now, sistah!
Assumptions kill unspoken truths. Until your man admits that he’s diddling your mutual friend Bryan, then shelve the assumptions. Which means, you’ll need to tactfully ask the right questions and summon the personal energy to have some very fierce, loving conversations with your man.
3. Do your research.
As the sexual revolution has moved from the bedroom to the nightly news, more and more resources are available to help you dissect your man’s moves.
From books to Meet-Up groups and everything in between, you can find exactly what you’re looking for — the answers to your questions. The more factually informed you are, the easier it becomes to get real with him and quell your fears.
4. Ask your gay best friend his opinion.
By no means am I suggesting that gay men have all the answers. However, for the most part, a solid conversation about how your husband's confusing behavior can lead to some very candid and eye-opening realizations only seen through the eyes of a gay man.
That little thing called Gaydar is pretty darn accurate and it can help prevent you from accusing your man of being gay when he's actually not.
5. Act as if.
Yes, we’re shifting the burden back to you for the moment. It’s all in attempt to help you gain clarity. In this moment, or whenever you feel like exploring, act as if your man really has been caught with his pants down with some Tom, Dick, or Harry.
The question is, which bugs you more? The fact that he was diddling outside the bounds of your relationship or the fact that you believe he’s gay or bisexual?
Getting clear on this in your own head will help you be prepared to have that fierce conversation about what he’s up to off the court of your relationship. Once you’re clear, then you have a starting point for opening the honest conversation with him.
Regardless of how you decide to proceed, the best thing you can do is PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
Don’t over react. Don’t accuse. Don’t deliver ultimatums.
As with any other relationship challenge (but especially the icky sticky ones like sex and money), you can best face it when you’re equipped with clarity and as many facts as possible.
The more you know, the less likely you'll create an irreparable void. And, if this territory feels too uncomfortable to navigate alone, find a sex/relationship/life coach or therapist who specializes in mixed orientation marriages to support you.
The bottom line and truth is, the desire to have sex with someone of the same sex doesn’t necessarily mean your man is gay or bisexual. It could simply means curious about things you can't help him with. That’s all it means, until proven otherwise.
Stay open to the positive possibilities rather than focusing and jumping to the negative ones.
Looking for some guidance? Grab a copy of Rick Clemon's forthcoming book, Frankly My Dear I’m Gay: A Late Bloomers Guide To Coming Out. Get the insiders look at a “heterosexual” married guy's life trying to deny his sexuality. Part autobiography, part self-help, this book is designed for both the person coming out and the ones they love most, so that each get support as the truth comes into the light.