New To BDSM? Here's Your 10 Step Guide To Getting Started!

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New To BDSM? Here's Your 10 Step Guide To Getting Started!
Get kinky with your partner and try something new and exciting.

A lot of couples want to start exploring BDSM, but don’t want to risk hurting one another. If you are new to BDSM, there is good reason to hesitate: go too far too fast, or miscommunicate with your lover and you can end up hurting one another or the relationship. But couples who are new to BDSM have so much to gain by exploring new parts of their sexuality together. Here’s a beginner’s guide for anyone new to BDSM who is ready to dive in! You can also listen to our podcast episode on the subject: New to BDSM. If you have any questions, you can get free personalized sex advice on our website at www.PleasureMechanics.com/AskUsAnything

Wait! What is BDSM? The letters stand for a lot of different things, depending on who you ask. The most common and broad definition of BDSM is Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. It is a broad umbrella term that includes a wide range of erotic activities that consenting adults use to explore their sexuality together. It can be as simple as light bondage or an erotic spanking or as advanced as suspension bondage and caning.

New To BDSM? Follow These 10 Simple Steps:

1. Explore your fantasies, name your desires.
Fantasies belong in your erotic imagination and can be powerful fuel for your sexual arousal. In fantasies, there are no limitations and no consequences. A desire is a craving for a real life experience. Know the difference and let your fantasies run wild while being realistic about what you really desire in your sex life. Check out The Fantasy Method for an interactive guide to exploring your fantasies and naming authentic desires.

2. Get clear about what kind of erotic energy you want to explore.
Once you have a sense of what your authentic desires are, get clear about what kind of erotic energy you want. Erotic energy is the motivation and intent behind any sexual act. A simple kiss, for example, can be romantic or rough, depending on the energy you bring to it. When you start exploring more intense sexual acts like spanking or bondage, you have to be crystal clear about what kind of erotic energy you want to experience. An erotic spanking can be tender and sweet, or dominating and raunchy. If you just ask your partner to spank you, you may not get what you want. Once you get specific, you can both relax into your roles and are far more likely to have the sexual experience you are craving!

3. Explore ideas with your partner.
Before you begin, go on a date and have a long talk about what you want to experience together. Allow this conversation to be part of the foreplay. Ask a lot of detailed questions and be willing to speak honestly about what you desire, what you do and do not want to happen and what kind of sensations you want to experience. If you can’t have an honest conversation about something, you probably aren’t ready to try it out! Once you’ve explored in conversation, you’ll have a much easier time giving one another what you want and avoiding what might hurt one another.

4. Choose one adventure at a time.
Many people who are new to BDSM make the mistake of trying out a lot of new things at once. This makes it hard to figure out what you like and what you don’t. Try incorporating one new element at a time, so you can be very clear about what worked and what didn’t. For example, try a simple erotic spanking first. If you like it, you can add in light bondage. Or verbal discipline. Or orgasm control. Each element will add a new layer of excitement and risk, so try one at a time and build your future erotic adventures out of the elements you enjoyed each time!

5. Set boundaries.
It is essential to set clear boundaries each time you explore BDSM together. You both need to know what will happen and what will not happen. It is much easier to relax into new sensations and surrender if you aren’t worried about what will be coming next. So if you are trying out erotic spanking, make sure to be clear what other activities you are open to: do you want sexual stimulation before, during, or after? Is hair pulling ok? Is there anything you want to be called? What do you not want to hear as you are being spanked? Set clear boundaries and then stick to them. You can always renegotiate next time. Build trust by staying within your agreed upon boundaries every time.

6. Go slowly.
For those new to BDSM there is always the temptation to try very heavy sensation. Build up intensity slowly and there is way less of a chance that someone will get hurt. No matter what activity you are exploring, slow way down and pay attention every step of the way. It is way better to end a session wanting more than do too much too quickly. If you are unsure how much intensity your partner wants, use a scale like 1-10, one being "very gentle" and ten being, "as much as I can take!" At any point, you can quickly check in and find out if your spanks are feeling like a three or an eight. Over time, you will both be able to communicate more clearly. Keep Reading...

More foreplay advice from YourTango:

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