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Couples need a support network too, not just individuals.
By Phyllis Koch-Sheras & Peter Sheras — Written on Nov 08, 2021
Finding a couple group is truly important. In the beginning romantic months of your relationship, you may enjoy just doing things as a twosome.
During the pandemic, however, no matter how long you've been together or married, you and your partner may have felt more isolated and alone than ever before.
You may think that because you have each other, you should be able to handle your problems on your own. But couples need to have a support network at these times, and during normal times as well, just as individuals do.
How do you find a couple group?
Couple communities already exist in many places. You just need to make the effort to seek them out.
There are many types of communities and a variety of ways to establish them. When speaking of couple groups, it’s not just groups of individuals — it’s what the couples provide to your community and what the community provides to your couple.
A network of community support may include a large number of people or just a few. Some communities may meet regularly or just get together on special occasions.
Regardless of the kind of community network you may be involved with, it can be a source of support to your couple no matter what stage of your relationship you may be in.
Types of networks and communities.
The first is vertical — networks of people that go up and down the generations, including your parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and even your own children if you're older.
These people often know you well and have spent time with you and have experience in relationships. They can share support and advice about what they've learned about marriages and how to navigate conflicts, stress, and change.
You can turn to some of them to share your concerns and get the benefit of their wisdom.
One client who had become disabled felt embarrassed and even ashamed to ask her mother for financial help. With our help, she and her husband were able to overcome their discomfort and accept financial support from her mother. They all felt closer and relieved going forward.
But, not everyone has a family to turn to who are supportive in this vertical way.
The second type is horizontal — people in your own life or generation, including your friends, neighbors, brothers, sisters, cousins, and the like.
These are couples you may travel with, share childcare, social events, school, or other activities. There's a great deal of sharing and support that can be found here.
If your couple is feeling isolated or challenged, you may want to reach out horizontally. You'll probably find that networking and support helps you feel less stressed and more connected.
Finding a network.
Networks can be discovered or created. Look to see where you can find other couples like yourself. Maybe it's in your neighborhood, school, workplace, or spiritual community.
You may already have a group of couples you know, in some way — you can expand your time or connection with them. Host a party or barbeque or neighborhood gathering. Join a club or activity group that has couples in it.
You can also actively work to create a network by looking for couples you like or admire and getting together with them. Simply finding friends and figuring out how to meet other couples can get you started.
It just takes a bit of interest and initiative. Think small at first. Identify a new couple with whom you could start a friendship.
One couple arranged a get-together in their neighborhood social hall, and it later became an ongoing activity for couples in their community.
Here are 10 additional networks that can help you create your own couples group.
1. Couples therapy groups.
The famous psychologist Eric Berne believed that couples group therapy was the most effective and powerful of all therapeutic practices. Many therapists offer such groups with remarkable results.
One dual-career couple, Rob and Jan, came into our couples therapy group exhausted and discouraged about keeping their children and their household together.
Other couples in the group shared their own parenting challenges and expressed their admiration and support for Rob and Jan. With this encouragement, they were able to overcome their guilt, give more responsibility to their kids, and take more time for themselves.
The group experience helped them to focus again on their love and commitment to their relationship.
2. Couples educational support groups.
You and your partner may benefit from horizontal communities that are organized around a specific theme, such as those previously mentioned.
One particular interest may attract you to a particular group and then lead to the shared pursuit of other activities as well.
3. Marriage enrichment and couple communication programs.
Many educational programs for couples exist that involve varying sizes and lengths of time.
We are currently leading a group of four couples that meets once a month for six months. The couples of different ages and life experiences are able to share and learn from each other in intimate ways that they never could before.
They are, then, able to take this experience out into their own lives and re-create it in their own social circles.
4. Childbirth classes.
Sometimes, the circumstances of your life make a new educational experience vital for your relationship.
That was the case for us when we had our first child and had no family living near us or close friends with young children. We joined a childbirth class and went weekly for seven weeks with twelve other couples.
We experienced a wealth of emotions together. We were all afraid at times, laughed together at other times, and we stayed in touch with each other and the instructor for many months after the birth of our children. They frequently reminded us how "that group got us all through a lot!"
5. Parenting support groups.
Parenting support groups can be found at your local mental health agency but also through University clinics. You might start with your pediatrician’s office. They often have referral lists for local groups.
Psychologists and social workers may run such groups as well. Check your local childcare agency as well.
6. Spiritual communities.
Pursuing a spiritual or religious practice that you both relate is a very powerful experience.
It creates a feeling of belonging and enables you to experience your relationship as sacred and special.
7. Bible or other religious study groups.
Check your local house of worship, ashram, or look online for groups that meet regularly to talk about spirituality, practice mindfulness and meditation, or just talk about spirituality.
Almost every academic institution has mindfulness study groups or a course to learn about spirituality.
8. Meditation Communities
Nearly every community has a meditation center of some sort. They may be located at your local gym, YMCA, or at work. Check it out together.
9. Social Communities or Clubs
Unfortunately, there are no real "couples bars" like singles bars for meeting other couples.
However, social clubs organized around activities of interest to couples are essentially couple communities, places to network and meet other couples.
Bridge clubs, co-rec athletics, and online gaming provide opportunities to organize as couples. You'll likely find a wealth of opportunities in your existing social circle to dive into.
10. Couples Coaching Couples.
This is a national non-profit group. This group is not therapy but a community-building organization that creates small groups of couples that meet regularly, either in-person or virtually, to coach each other as a couple.
Couples take turns coaching other couples and being coached by other couples. To further support the sense of community, all the local couples get together quarterly for an afternoon of sharing and training as well as holding pot-luck meals when possible.
There's also an annual convention that takes place in-person or virtually when necessary. CCC has hundreds of members nationally and is fun and very supportive.
Being in a network of couples provides many opportunities for support and sharing, which can create a powerful context for your relationship. Without that support, you might feel isolated or overwhelmed.
Forming a couple group isn't just about the chance to meet new people. The power of community mutuality reduces fear and increases feelings of harmony, a sense of possibility, and humanity for all.
More for You:
Drs. Peter Sheras and Phyllis Koch-Sheras are clinical psychologists who have enjoyed studying and working with couples for more than three decades and have been happily married to each other for just as long. Visit their website for more information.