Get over him for good.
You broke up with your boyfriend or divorced your husband because he was withdrawn, neglectful and uncommunicative. Maybe he cheated on you, or was physically/verbally abusive. You're trying to get on with your life without him in it, and then suddenly, he calls you.
At first it's small talk — he'll ask in his buttered-up voice, "How are you?" or "How’s work?" You agree to have coffee with him, you know, just to "talk," and then you have dinner and drinks with him.
You tell yourself you can handle it and before you know it, you sleep with him and you're back in the worst relationship of your life.
Where is your sense of survival and good judgment? You struggled for months, maybe a year, to get this self-serving, immoral sleaze bucket out of your head and out of your life. You know he's bad for you, that he erodes your confidence, shreds your self-esteem, nukes your energy and throws you into dark depression.
Regardless of what he promises, you know he will betray you again with his lying words and abusive behavior.
Wouldn't it be less painful to crush your breast in a mammogram machine?
Why does a guy contact you weeks, months, or even years, after a breakup? To boost his ego and lessen his discomfort about the breakup, of course. Maybe his new girlfriend broke up with him, or he hasn't found a suitable woman who will put up with his unacceptable behavior.
To quote Dr. Phil: "If you choose the behavior of staying with a sick and destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering in your emotional life."
And my defective brain seemed to think for me when it came to Dr. Dirtbag.
When we were together, I loathed his obnoxious, hurtful behavior. I detested how he got drunk and made a boasting fool of himself in public. I despised him for humiliating me in front of our friends, and the way he made me feel with his empty promises, vague explanations and sneering innuendos.
But, when we broke up, I couldn't stand the sick-to-my-stomach feeling of rejection, so I weakened, called him, and he was delighted to have his punching bag back.
Sometimes, Dr. Dirtbag would call me when we broke up. His favorite line to get his foot back in the door was, "Hey. Whatcha you doing?" He'd say this in a forlorn voice, followed by, "I thought you would've called me by now."
It was the same contrived, pretentious reconciliatory performance every time. He never called to apologize and he acted as if nothing had ever happened. He knew if he could get me to talk to him, he could soften my heart and jump back in the saddle.
I knew if I wanted to be free of the emotional hold he had on me, I had to bite the bullet, block all communication with him, eliminate him from my life, detox and look forward to the time when he no longer permeated my brain cells.
If you truly don't want to talk to him, block his calls.
Ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands and ex-lovers know exactly what to say and do to woo you back into a relationship. They know your weak spots and they will play you like a fiddle.
If you truly want to get on with your life without him in it, don't answer his phone calls, don't return his text messages or emails, and don't open your door to his surprise visits to give him the opportunity to slither back into your life.
The exception is to thank Jesus when a rare bolt of lightning strikes our dysfunctional partner, causing him (or her) to acknowledge his hurtful behavior, genuinely repent and go to work on the negative aspects of his character and personality.
Until then, pour yourself a triple dry martini and ignore his attempts to pull you back into a relationship that promises to rob you of your joy, security and sanity.
This article was originally published at http://knowitallnancy.com/. Reprinted with permission from the author.