5 Ways To Occupy Love

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love
There is plenty of love to go around!

One of the biggest misconceptions about love is that love is shaped like a pie. We are raised from the time we were little tiny babies to believe that there is one "Mr. Right", one "Prince Charming", and one "soul-mate." And while this may be a true assessment, this absolutist thinking sets us up for failure. With so many rules and expectations about love, if we aren't set up for failure then we are most definitely, at the very least, set up for these disturbing and unwanted feelings of jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness and a slew of other mal-adaptive feelings which don't allow for love to grow, but in fact squelch and suppress love. Hard Work Ahead: Are Relationships Really Worthwhile?

The pie theory of love suggests this: there is only so much love (100% to be exact) to go around. For example, a pie is a circle or 100%. If you cut a piece of the pie out and give it to someone, and let's say there are 8 pieces total, then when one piece is gone there are only 7/8 of the pie left.

Using this pie theory when it comes to love, falsely suggests that there is only so much love to go around. At some point, the pie, or in this case love, will be all eaten up or given away. This theory also known in some circles as starvation economics is based on a desire to hoard. There have been some studies that suggest that hoarders have had to "go without" or "starve" for some period of time. Similar to anorexics, who have previously starved their bodies of food and have experienced starvation, will inadvertently push the brain into survival mode. Thus, when the body does finally get food it will store any excess food or nourishment the body intakes as fat, for the future, more leaner days. Why Women Should Not Aspire To Look Like Barbie

In much the same way, if we take a look back to our childhood days, if we were starved of love, affection or denied our basic attachment needs in any way, which most of us have been, whether it be by a mother suffering from something as simple and common as post partum depression to full out abandonment, we have at some point in our life been starved of love. We have had to go without. Thus, when we get love, or find love, we do the very thing that then pushes it away. We hold on too tight. By assuming that love will run out, because we have experienced this very thing before, we hold on tight so as to not lose our share.

But, love is not a pie. Love is infinite and the amount of love we get is often based on the amount of love we give ourselves. Here I have compiled 5 tenets of loving that we need to learn in order to give love freely, accept love freely and learn that the abundance of love is all around us. In turn, we will stop feeling jealous or fearful about our own loved ones, stop feeling ownership, possessiveness and ultimately also learn to thrive in all of our relationships. 7 Signs Jealousy Is Out of Control

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Moushumi Ghose

Sex Therapist

Moushumi Ghose, MFT specializes in sex and relationships and is based in New York City and Los Angeles.

She is the host of The Sex Talk, a web-series dedicated to raising awarenes about sex, and sexuality, and has made several TV and media appearances including Hollywood Today The Girl Spot, Durex Condoms and Investigation Discoveries as a sex expert. 

Visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com

Subscribe to The Sex Talk Series at www.TheSexTalkSeries.com

Listen to podcasts at Sex, Love and Rock 'N' Roll Radio.

Mou is the author of Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon, and is currently writing her second book, about non-monogamous sex. 

Follow Moushumi on Twitter @MoushumiAmour and Facebook

Location: New York, NY
Credentials: LMFT, MA, MFT
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