5 Reasons You're Still Angry — Even Though Your Breakup Was Totally Mutual
Being angry after a mutual breakup can be confusing but it's not unusual.
getty Have you ever been in a relationship that you knew was doomed?
You probably felt relieved when it was over. But, despite it being a mutual breakup, you may have also felt a lot of anger. It's likely that anger surprised you.
It makes no sense to you. But once you step back and look at it objectively, anger over a mutual breakup makes more sense than it seems on the surface.
Emotions are interesting things and they surprise us at every turn. And anger is a natural response to the end of a relationship, even if both partners wanted it.
Here are 5 understandable reasons why you're still angry after a mutual breakup.
1. You have unanswered questions.
Are there things that happened in the relationship that you don’t understand? Did something happen that changed the way you thought about things?
Were you scared to ask questions or, if you did, were they left unanswered?
Unanswered questions can really be anger-inducing.
I have a client whose relationship just ended. They realized that they just had too many issues and that it wasn’t going to work out.
He's angry, though, because he has some questions about what happened with his girlfriend’s ex over the course of their relationship. He had a feeling that his girlfriend was talking to her ex the whole time they were dating but he wasn’t sure.
It was part of what caused the disintegration of the relationship — his suspicions and her denials — although it wasn’t the whole thing.
Now that the relationship is over, he's left wondering if she had been lying the whole time — and that pisses him off.
So, if you have unanswered questions, that might be why you're feeling angry after your breakup.
2. Some things were left unsaid.
Similar to unanswered questions, things being left unsaid can be a huge reason why people hold onto anger after a breakup.
I remember when I broke up with a guy I had been seeing for two years. It was a toxic relationship and the only way I could finally get away was by going "no contact" and blocking him everywhere.
We never had that "last talk" — the talk where I could express the anger, frustration, and disappointment that I was feeling. He knew that I felt those things but I wasn’t sure if he really understood.
I held onto my anger for a long time, longer than I should have, imagining the conversation that could have happened but didn’t.
3. You're disappointed with the way things ended.
Falling in love is an exciting moment. You met someone who fits your needs in so many ways. So, you dive in, sure that this time, it's going to work out. And, it doesn't.
One of the reasons you're angry is that you're disappointed.
Disappointed in yourself for the part that you played in the demise of your relationship, at your ex and their part in the demise of our relationship, and at the relationship for not working out the way you hoped and dreamed it would.
Disappointment can breed deep anger. Life is so hard and when you're let down, it can be hard to let go.
Ironically, people tend to stay angriest at themselves when they're disappointed — they tend to blame themselves for not holding things together and sabotaging their own future happiness.
So, take stock. Are you disappointed in yourself, your ex, or the loss of your dreams for the future? If "yes", then that might be why you are still holding on to the anger.
4. You dread dating again.
When I talk to clients about initiating a breakup, the number one reason they often don’t want to break up with someone is that they don’t want to start dating again.
The prospect of going back online, having random conversations, and even more random dates, having to dress up and be charming and kiss a lot of frogs with no certainty that they will find the right person, is completely daunting.
And it pisses them off.
If you're angry that you have to start dating again, it's understandable. Dating is exhausting. But unless you put yourself out there in some way, you won’t find the person you've been looking for.
And they're out there, waiting for you. I promise.
5. You hear other people’s opinions.
Be honest. Are your friends trash-talking your ex? Are they saying that he was never good enough for you?
Is your mother saying that she never liked him and your dad saying that she wasn’t pretty enough? Are your co-workers happy that you aren’t dating her anymore because you're now free to go out with them after work?
Other people’s opinions can play a very large part in why you're feeling angry after a breakup, even if it was mutual.
People like to stoke fires, create drama, and trash talk people who might have caused someone they love pain.
As a result, they might say things that will rile you up a bit, that might make you question your ex’s actions and motivations and the things that you did to encourage it.
Spending any time at all rehashing what happened can take you right down that anger trail, even if you know that the breakup was the best thing that could have happened to you.
So, stop listening to others who trash mouth your ex or your relationship. Better yet, shut them down and move on.
Feeling angry after a mutual breakup is not unusual.
Do you have unanswered questions or things that were left unsaid? Are you disappointed that the relationship ended and are your friends dissing you? Are you looking out into the world of dating with despair?
All of those things can lead to anger but know that the anger will pass. It will pass quicker if you take stock of the things that I discussed above but it will, with time, fade into something that you don’t have to think about anymore.
Life will go on and you will be happy, again. I promise!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based, certified life and love coach. Let her help you find, and keep, love in this crazy world in which we live. Contact her for help or send her an email.