It happens to everyone eventually.
At times we all wonder why we suddenly don’t have that incredible, compelling desire for our partners. You may start asking yourself some big questions; "Why doesn’t he turn me on anymore? Where did our love go?"
A mantra I choose to live by is “the truth is simple," and it applies well to this situation. Unless you have a hormone imbalance or a medical condition making you feel less sexy, and you can’t find that magic sexy sweet spot with your man, the cause can only be one thing — a lack of mental and emotional connection. Not only a lack of connection with your partner, but also with yourself.
The brain is our largest sex organ and if you're not feeling sexy and connected, it can mean that you're not connecting on that emotional level.
Einstein said it best when he said “a problem needs to be resolved 6 layers below where it presents itself,” and sex is the highest tier of communication — so if you're not talking and bonding in all the ways that matter, sex just won't happen the way it used to. It's important to create connection, and you must realize that each and everyone of us is 100% responsible for ourselves and our own happiness in a relationship.
Sex is a symptom of deeper issues that need to be resolved, and when we are unaware of underlying problems, our “turn on switch” flips OFF and we become unable to feel that passion and love we once had for our partners. It isn’t lost, it is just hidden.
What can help the situation is to ask yourself some deep and meaningful questions and answer yourself truthfully with radical honesty.
If you are turned off from your partner, try answering some of the following questions to better understand how to get things back on track:
1. Are you upset with your partner, or is there an imbalance of responsibilities?
Anger is a secondary emotion that covers up more vulnerable feelings like fear, sadness, hurt. Get real with yourself and figure out what you are ACTUALLY feeling about your role and your partner. Our feelings are our barometers that guide us to understand ourselves better.
2. Do you resent your partner for something?
This is a biggy. When we feel resentful and may not be acknowledging that feeling, we automatically withdraw emotionally — sex is only possible when we are emotionally connected. Figure out what you could be resenting your partner for and decide if it's something you should bring to light.
3. Do you feel safe and secure in your relationship?
The attachment you feel to your partner is as important as the safety and security a child needs with it’s primary caregiver, so if you are feeling insecure or unsafe in any way, your love "switch" will definitely flip. Make sure that you feel physically and emotionally secure, and that you are free from fear. Trusting your partner and ensuring you are both on the same team is crucial.
4. Do you feel loved? Are you communicating with the same "love languages"?
We all feel love in different ways — called our "love languages," which can include time, affirmation and touch (among others). Determine your love language and compare it to your partner's. They could be very different languages, so you may have to change something in the ways you express yourself to your partner so you can both feel equally loved.
5. Are you having FUN outside of the bedroom?
Remember fun? If you haven't been having fun, think about what it was that brought you together in the first place, or figure out what you both enjoy doing. Then do more of it. If you can't have fun OUTSIDE the bedroom, then you're surely not going to have much fun IN it.
6. Are you taking time for yourself?
Are you making time for your own creativity, friends and exercise? We all need to feel we are living with a purpose and expressing our authentic selves, and if we don’t, we can project our unfulfilled selves onto our partners in hopes of finding our fulfillment in them.
The best relationships work when two individuals bring their whole authentic, creative selves into the relationship and share their purpose with each other. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else.
7. Are you talking with your partner?
It's crucial to your relationship to be able to talk with your partner about your needs and wants. You should know how to express yourself in order to create more connection, less stress and conflict.
Sex is the highest form of communication, so if your communications skills are lacking then so will your ability to create healthy happy relationships in all areas of your life.