I Had Sex With A Woman. Am I A Lesbian?


suit of spades
How do you know if you've crossed the line?

Women are experimenting with their sexuality more than ever these days. I see it happening on online dating sites, Craigslist and other sites where women can post online looking for sexual partners or sexual encounters.

This isn't happening with just young women either; it's women of all ages who want to explore their sexuality. It seems to be a common fantasy among women that is stirred up by lesbian sex scenes in shows like "Grey's Anatomy" and "Orange is the New Black" as well as the easy access to porn that shows lesbian sex (even if it isn't realistic).

All that on screen action has women of all ages interested in exploring girl-on-girl sex. Many of these women who want to explore having sex with a woman would never describe themselves as lesbian and that's OK. But as an actual lesbian, I can tell you that this interest in sex with lesbians by non-lesbian women has its problems. 

Lesbians aren't actually as promiscuous as the rest of the world wants to think we are. Most lesbians lean on the safe side of being sexual and that means they only want to have sex and be intimate with other lesbians and with women they are serious about and exclusive with sexually.

Having one sexual experience with a woman doesn't make you lesbian; it makes you curious, interested and hopefully very sexually satisfied.  What does make you lesbian? Is it the sex alone? No, it's much more than a sexual encounter. Being lesbian means:

  • You have no interest in being sexual or intimate with a man (for many lesbians, the thought of being with a man is actually revolting).
  • Lesbians are focused solely on emotional (and sexual) intimacy with women.
  • Lesbians build their lives around women. They'll have male friends, straight friends, children and might even have been married at one time to a man but ultimately they see their life partners as women.
  • Lesbians may have been confused at one point about their sexual preferences but by the time a woman is calling herself a lesbian, she's not confused anymore.

So where does all this leave you if you've experimented sexually with another women? Probably wanting more! And beyond that, it's up to you. It's your job in life to define who you are, to make your choices about who you are sexually intimate with and how you want to live your life. Keep exploring and keep learning. And then decide for yourself.

Mary G Malia is a dating, love and life coach for lesbians. Learn more about Mary and her work at www.gaygirldatingcoach.com.

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Mary Malia

Dating Coach

With Gratitude, 

Mary G. Malia

Certified Singles Coach, RCI

Certified Strategic Intervention Coach, Robbins- Madanes Coaching


Location: Portland, ME
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Dating/Being Single Support
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