4 Reasons Your Husband Chooses His Friends Over You + What To Do About It
Why your husband stays out late with his buddies instead of coming home to you.
Getty We all want our significant others to make us their top priority, right? Sometimes we just don’t know how to make that happen. We try and try but it feels like you're stabbing in the dark.
And when your husband chooses his friends over you, it can feel like a knife plunging right into your heart.
To write this article, I turned to the expert — my own husband to ask him the big question: "What it is that make a husband choose his friends over his wife?"
There are only four reasons listed here, and not all of these are things that make my husband unhappy, of course. But he said that these are the major issues he thinks make most men upset, causing them to spend more time away from home with their friends or family than with you.
Asking that question led to great discussion between my husband and me, and maybe it can do the same for you and your guy. So why not sit on the couch with your hubby and talk about these with him?
I’ve also included some tips on how to solve these relationship problems to help you out!
First, you need to know why your husband chooses his friends over you and often stays out late.
People tend to gravitate towards people and things that make them the happiest. When your husband chooses to spend more time with his friends, working on his car, or doing some other activity than spending time with you, it might signal that he is unhappy with you for some reason. Or he may not be talking to you about it because he doesn’t want to deal with the argument that will result from it.
If it's more than just a passing thing, and he is gone more than he's home, it's time to look deeper.
The four issues below can help you figure out what's going on deeper within him. But regardless of the "why," you'll need to approach him to ask him what’s up.
He may tell you nothing is wrong at first. Don’t push him but instead give him a peck on the cheek, smile, give him a squeeze on the arm and tell him that you are around if he wants to talk about it.
Let him also know that if he wants to talk about it that you will try not to get upset if it’s something that he believes you will become upset about. Stay open, so he feels safe to come to you about it.
4 Possible Reasons Your Husband Chooses His Friends Over You
1. You reject sex more than you accept it.
You may have a good reason to reject it but if it seems like you are saying no all the time, your husband may start to feel unattractive and that can make him unhappy.
What to do if this is the reason your husband puts his friends first:
When you reject sex, you can tell him that you can’t have it right then but at a later time. That way, you aren’t completely rejecting him. You can also initiate it sometimes.
That will give him a superego boost and make him feel much better.
2. You try to control your husband's spending.
Men can be like kids in a candy store with their hobbies. If you pull on the reigns too much they can quickly go into deep sadness and tantrums. If it’s long enough, they can start to resent you and the marriage.
What to do if this is the reason your husband puts his friends first:
Discuss what he wants to buy. Talk about how it’s possible to make it happen. If that means he has to find a second job, or that you have to budget to make it happen, then that might have to be a possibility.
Agree that if you want to buy expensive items or spend a large amount of money, that you will come to him so you can decide together, too.
Marriage is a partnership. Just think, what if you were told you couldn’t have something you really wanted? Make sure all things are equal.
3. Your husband doesn't feel like he has a voice in the family.
If your husband is the sole provider and you are the in the business of maintaining your home, it can be difficult for men to work all day, come home and then be a part of all the business that goes on in the household. That's a lot to expect.
Sometimes when the woman of the house makes all of the decisions, the man can feel left out and feel like just a monetary provider. It’s important to include your husband in the household decisions being made surrounding the finances, children, and other important matters without burdening him with more work when he gets home — work that you agreed would be part of your responsibilities.
What to do if this is the reason your husband puts his friends first:
Set time aside to talk about important matters with your husband. "Divide and conquer" family and household duties so that it feels equal, and so that he doesn't feel like he comes home to yet another pile of work.
Tell him that you value his input and would like to know how he feels about it so you both can come up with a decision together.
4. Your husband doesn't get enough attention from his wife.
After the children come along, women usually feel as though the children need more care than their husbands do. They feel that their husbands can take care of themselves because they're grown just like they are and well, the children are… children.
The truth is that men feel as though they are forgotten about.
They used to be the ones that got all the attention in the home and now the kids are first. They hardly get a "hi" now. This can make a husband feel unimportant and unhappy.
What to do if this is the reason your husband puts his friends first:
Take care of your children and then bring your husband in with you.
Start showing him more attention; give him those surprise hugs, kisses, and gentle touches you used to do.
Set up a babysitter after the kids are in bed and go out together. Give your husband that wife he used to have before she became a mom.
You don’t have to stop being a mom — just turn and be your husband’s wife too.
You need to be your husband's priority and your husband needs to be yours.
Marcelina Hardy, MSEd, BCC, is an author, life coach, marriage educator, and relationship coach.