Dating more than one person at a time has not been my style in the past and I also felt it was inappropriate. I was accustomed to dating one man and if that relationship did not unfold and progress initiallym or if it ended after some time, I would then take a break and start a new search.
So when someone recommended the book Love in 90 Days by Diana Kirschner, PhD, I decided to read it. I was rather shocked when I got to the part of about dating three to find one. She recommended seriously dating three men at one time and really getting to know each of them for several months with no sex during that time.
So, I decided to give this new method a shot. So far, the benefits are outweighing the negatives. From my personal experience, here are 5 positives of dating 3 men simultaneously:
- Relaxation of the monkey mind. When you date just one man, you have a tendency to over-analyze everything. This mind focus can be on how many hours since the last text message, re-reading a text or email to see if you wrote it well or made a mistake, making incorrect assumptions of what he is thinking, visualizing the wedding and where to have it, and generalized obsessive thinking that can only make you crazy!
- Elimination of the chase. When you have three men courting you, you can shift your focus and look forward to the next date with a different man while giving some space and time to the last date. Send a thank you text or email when you conclude a date and then make plans for another adventure with one of the two other men on your list. When a man feels chased, he usually runs away. So you are giving him space to desire a subsequent date with you!
- Dating 3 diminishes the tendency to make it a competition between two. When there are only 2 men in your dating plan, you will bounce back and forth on a list of likes and dislikes that can be unnecessary mind gymnastics. With 3 men, you can just relax and enjoy each one, getting to know them more deeply.
- Slows the process of quick intimacy. When you date only one, you may rush intimacy and sex, which can diminish the chances of a long and lasting love. By slowing the whole process down, you have a chance to dig in deep and learn about the compatibility of a long-term relationship. The relationship will be built on a stronger foundation by delaying sex.
- Allows the man to initiate the next date. When you simply thank the man for the last date without suggesting the next one, you allow him to build his interest and show that he does truly want to see you again. This space for him gives you a better idea if he is really into you or not. If there is no proposal to see you again after a few days, he may not have a high level of interest in you and you may need to find a replacement!
A drawback of the "dating 3 program: might be that you hurt or disappoint the other two men when you finally pick your one. This can be a challenge. It is better to let the 3 candidates know you are on a program of 3 and why. Be honest and kind as you explain how the program actually benefits them by keeping your mind relaxed and not chasing them. If they can't handle your reasons, then they may not be the one for you.
This program is not meant to be a dating life style but rather a short term intensive for the woman who is really motivated to find and enjoy a deep and meaningful long-term relationship. This strategy requires ample time and attention to find 3 eligible men to date simultaneously. Joining multiple online dating sites or singles groups will help you find men, and then once you do have 3 good ones, you will need to clear your schedule for a few months to give each one time and attention.
In my opinion, the benefits outweigh the negatives if you are honest and up front with the men you are dating. Keep sex out of it until you pick one and you know he has also chosen you. Have fun and enjoy the process. The end result is the prize of your diligence and focus! You will feel content that you are with the best man for you and that you took your time to get to know him and let him know you. Then embrace the next stage and invest in a fabulous relationship with him!
If you liked this article, it likely resonated with you. You may also like the article, 8 First Date Conversations Mistakes That Scare Him Off also written on YourTango.
Let's connect on Facebook or Twitter and I'll share more healthy dating and relationship tips with you. And learn more about me and the books I have written by visiting my website: www.LisaJShultz.com.
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