It's a common occurrence. Almost everyone I know going through a divorce says they can barely remember anything their lawyer says. I call it "divorce fog" and science has proven that it is a real thing! Multiple studies have demonstrated that high emotion increases stress hormones and significantly lowers cognition. Not only is your memory impaired, but your ability to understand is incredibly limited. It doesn't matter how smart you are. Divorce is traumatic and as such, your brain chemistry is working against you. The good news is that it's not you, and there are several things you can do to clear the mist.
Silence the Saboteurs
Divorce opens the gate to all of our worst inner critics: self-doubt, denial, confusion, fear, anger, hurt, etc. None of these saboteurs serve you in this process. They are actually creating the divorce fog that you are in. The best way to clear the mist is to silence these saboteurs so that you can make rational, well-informed decisions in this process. You need to examine and acknowledge your worst saboteurs. You need to be able to recognize and address them when they pop up. You need to realize that decisions and behavior based on these negative emotions will only make this process, and your life, more difficult. Identifying and addressing these saboteurs is central to my work as a divorce coach because traumatic change, like divorce, is when they grow and wreak havoc the most in your life. Don't let fear rule your life.
Create Your Future Vision
Your life once had direction, but with divorce, you are left anchorless and adrift. You need to deal with the shock, but the sooner you can create new goals for yourself the better. Why? You will never go anywhere without some destination in mind. You will never have the motivation to cut through this fog and make positive steps forward. You need something to look forward to. It's your beacon of light guiding you through the fog. It's important to create a vision of who you want to be and what you want your life to be now and in the future. Having a clear picture of what you want will give you create the positive energy to start making it happen. ANY step forward is good. And true change only happens through a series of baby steps. As a coach, so many of my clients have difficulty creating this vision because they think it has to be something huge. Then, they get discouraged because achieving it seems too difficult. I give you permission to find a vision that works for you however big or small. Find something that makes you happy. Picture it in your mind. Color in all the details. Ditch your expectation that anything happens overnight or that this vision can't change along the way. Change takes time. Everyone wants to go to from A to Z immediately, but you need to take it step by step, letter by letter. Give yourself the time to appreciate the journey and learn as much as you possibly can during this situation. When you focus on what you want, your purpose becomes clear. Your saboteurs are silenced. You'll make better decisions in your divorce and increase your probability of getting what you want. Remember, you can't get what you want until you know what that is. Keep reading...
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