Get Unstuck Around Your Divorce Decision

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Divorce Advice: Be Strong As You Move On
Doing nothing is a decision to stay stuck in your situation. How's that working for you?

I knew in my heart that I needed to end my marriage for more than three years before I did anything about it. I did tell my husband that things weren't working … for either of us … and that I wanted a divorce. But I didn't do anything about it for years. I didn't consult any lawyers. I didn't seek out guidance of any kind. I didn't get a handle on my finances. I had a plan in my head about how things should work without any idea of how they do work in reality. And of course, this plan was entirely unrealistic. Looking back on it, that plan was a big excuse.

My inner critics had convinced me that there was only one way to do this divorce and that I was better off staying in this situation until that worked out. Well, that plan would never have worked. If I hadn't finally broken free of my own self-limiting beliefs (and inner control freak), I would still be stuck in that unfulfilling marriage where I was compromising myself every day.

As a divorce coach, I've heard all the excuses:

  • I'm waiting until the kids are in college.
  • It just isn't the right time.
  • I'm waiting for better weather.
  • I don't know how to start.
  • I don't have the money.
  • I don't want to be alone.
  • I'm not strong enough.
  • I don't have the skills to rebuild my life.
  • I'll have to leave the house.
  • I won't get what I want.

The list goes on and on. And interestingly, every statement on this list is not about whether or not to divorce, but why you shouldn't move forward. As a divorce coach, it tells me that in your heart you want a divorce. It also tells me that your inner critics have convinced you to do nothing — to stay in indecision. And that is a choice you are making. You are choosing to stay in that "stuck" place of confusion, self-doubt, fear and compromise for days, months, years of your life. And that stuck place has become your new comfort zone. Your inner critics have convinced you that the unfulfilling "devil you know" is far better than the "devil you don't."  These saboteurs have wrapped you in a blanket of all the bad things that could happen to you because of a divorce. But is it true?

Ask yourself:

  • What are you gaining by staying?
  • What are sacrificing by staying?
  • If your time were money, is this how you would invest it?
  • What possibilities are available to you that you haven't considered? 
  • What would you want your kids to do if they were in your situation?

My clients tell me "I knew 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago that it wasn't going to work." And it's clear that all of the self-doubt and confusion that kept them stuck has now turned into self-blame and regret for having spent so much of their lives in that situation. There is no perfect time to get divorced. The process can take years. So, let go of your expectations and find the guidance and knowledge that will help you navigate this process better. You can eliminate a lot of unnecessary fear by making the unknown known.

Let go of the past. You are powerless to change it. What's important is RIGHT NOW and what you are going to do to create a better future for yourself. Your time on this Earth is finite. Knowing that your life is a precious resource, how do you want to use it? The longer you stay stuck in indecision, the harder it will be to move forward and recreate your life. Only you can decide what's best for you. So, follow your heart … and your gut … and do what you'll be proud of later.

Contact Laura for your free, 60-minute confidential consultation to help you make better decisions in your divorce, achieve better outcomes and lower the cost. And sign up on my website to download your free MoxieLife Divorce Survival Guide -- where I give you easy action steps for getting off the emotional rollercoaster in your divorce!

More divorce advice from YourTango:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Laura Miolla

Divorce Coach

Laura Miolla

MoxieLife -- Coaching for a Fearless Life Before, During and After Divorce

laura@moxelifecoach.com

www.moxielifecoach.com

Location: Amesbury, MA
Credentials: ACC, CPCC, MA
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