Why You Should Never 'Reward' Your Boyfriend With Sex


Why You Should Never 'Reward' Your Boyfriend With Sex
Sex should never be used to control someone in a relationship.

According to The Daily Mail, new research says that two-thirds of British women admit using sex to reward their partner for good behavior, with helping around the home being the most common reason they reward their partners in the bedroom.

For generations and generations, men and women have been attempting to control each others' behavior. We know how we want our relationship to be and when it isn't what we want, we tend to point fingers at the other person, believing that if he would just do things differently, life would be so much better. 


Many people use controlling behavior to get their partner to do things their way. (Learn more in Secrets of Happy Couples.) They may complain, blame, criticize, nag, threaten, and punish in an attempt to get their partner to change. These negative behaviors might work. In fact, that's why they are so powerful and continue to be used over and over again: Sometimes they work. You just might wear your partner down into giving you what you want. But what have you lost in the process? Anyone who has ever "won" an argument this way surely knows what it feels like to "win the battle, but lose the war." You may get what you want in the moment, but you are ultimately chipping away at the very foundation of your relationship. (Get your free Relationships from the InsideOut Tip Sheet.)

There are some who have learned this lesson and work at not being controlling in a destructive way. They believe that rewarding "positive" behavior is better than punishing "negative" behavior. However, this raises some issues:

  1. Who decides what makes behavior positive or negative?
  2. What gives anyone the right to try to change another person's choices?
  3. How does a person feel when they are being controlled by someone that professes to love them?
  4. Should intimacy — which is supposed to be a freely given expression of one's passion and feelings — be reserved for good behavior?
  5. If you are rewarding your partner for good behavior, wouldn't that necessarily imply that you are withholding sex during times you aren't feeling particularly supported? Keep reading...

More sex advice from YourTango:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Kim Olver


Kim Olver, LCPC, has been featured in Whole Living, Women's World, Fitness Magazine and Counseling Today and is the best-selling, award winning author of Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner, and Your Life.

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Location: Country Club Hills (Chicago), IL
Credentials: LCPC, MS, NCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Empowering Women
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