Is Jealousy Destroying Your Relationship?


Is Jealousy Destroying Your Relationship?
What are the four causes of jealousy and what can you do about them?

Jealousy is one of the things that can cause major rifts in a relationship. I call it the Relationship Killer. Are you the one in the relationship that tends to get jealous? Is your partner jealous of you? Do you both display jealousy at different points in your relationship? Would you like to understand it better and know what to do?

Causes of Jealousy:


1. Insecurity

The first cause of jealousy is a basic insecurity, which can be conscious or subconscious. When it’s conscious, you are aware of feeling “not good enough.” You don’t think you deserve your partner or a happy relationship. When it’s subconscious, you probably don’t consciously entertain thoughts of being not good enough but you have subconscious CDs playing in your head about how you don’t deserve to be happy. Whenever your relationship starts to feel better than you think it should, you start engaging in self-sabotage which may be the expressions of jealousy in which you engage.

You are just waiting for your partner to find someone better and leave you. Because you are ever vigilant watching for the least sign of straying, you can drive yourself and your loved one crazy with your suspicions and accusations.

You are so sure he is going to cheat on you so you keep a very close watch on every move he makes. You accuse him of things you can’t possibly know are true. You violate his privacy at every turn—checking his cell phone, reading his email, following him around town, etc.

What can you do? STOP! Make a decision to trust your partner. Trust is a behavior; it’s something you do. Develop an internal dialogue you start to run whenever you are feeling jealous. Tell yourself you deserve to be happy. You deserve a wonderful relationship. Your spouse or partner loves you. Out of all the people in the world, he chose you! Keep telling yourself these things until you believe them.

2. Past Experiences

Sometimes jealousy stems from past experiences with someone else. You were involved with another person who cheated on you. Maybe you watched someone you care for go through this ordeal with his partner. Maybe even your partner cheated on you during an earlier part of your relationship. You are afraid to let your guard down because you don’t ever want to go through that horrible pain again.

What can you do? If the past experience involved someone other than your current partner, remind yourself she hasn’t done anything wrong. Emphasize that you could drive her away with your jealousy and create the very experience your fear. Remember you lived through the last experience and so you know how to do that if you must do it again.

If the person who cheated is your spouse or current partner, remind yourself that you made a decision or commitment to forgive your partner. Anyone can make a mistake once and you have decided to give her another chance. When you make that commitment, you must stop trying to punish her for her past indiscretions and trust her.

3. Viewing Your Partner as a Possession

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Kim Olver


Kim Olver, LCPC, has been featured in Whole Living, Women's World, Fitness Magazine and Counseling Today and is the best-selling, award winning author of Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner, and Your Life.

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Location: Country Club Hills (Chicago), IL
Credentials: LCPC, MS, NCC
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Empowering Women
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