Anxiety about sex is an issue for many women. This article explores the reasons why.
If you struggle with feeling relaxed and at ease when you're intimate with your partner, you are not alone. Many women silently battle with these feelings regularly! They feel confused, since they know that they love their partner and want to be with him, love spending time together and just feel naturally very comfortable in each other's company, but when it comes time to get amorous, things begin to get a little frosty. He wants to connect with the woman he loves, but he begins to feel the metaphorical door begin to close. She starts to make excuses—I have a headache, it's too hot, it's too cold, the children may come in—and he gets the drift: she simply doesn't want to make love with him. For him, this is straight out rejection, something that cuts deep. He may start thinking, "If she really loved me, it wouldn't be this way!" But what is really going on for her?
Most commonly, women suffer from lack of self worth and even self loathing issues that plague them, creating anxiety and depression. This can come from a variety of causes, from not being acknowledged for the amazing beings they were as little girls to being bombarded constantly by images and ideals in the media which are impossible to live up to. Women learn from a very young age that they will be loved and adored for what they do as opposed to who they are. Very quickly, they begin to lose themselves to a world of unrealistic ideals and beliefs they struggle to live up to or rebelliously oppose. We as women begin to disregard our true "knowingness" deep within in favour of what we believe the world wants us to be. It's in this state of disregard that we begin to lose touch with our essence, our worthiness, our preciousness. We become hardened and disempowered, slowly building resentment against what we believe we have to do to be loved and accepted. To manage these unpleasant feelings, we find activities and behaviours, such as smoking, drinking alcohol, chocolate, online shopping or addictions of any kind, to numb and bury what we do not want to feel. These activities will, of course, lead to self esteem issues, feelings of not being good enough or even self loathing. We simply do not feel good in our bodies anymore. Along comes Prince Charming wanting to sweep us off our feet, but the last thing we want to do is take our clothes off—especially with the lights on! So, how do we overcome this? We know we want to want to make love, but there is something stopping us, just frustrating for everyone involved.
What we need is to come back to ourselves. Within EVERY woman is an inner essence of great beauty and wisdom. It's about taking time to listen to our hearts, which will always tell us what is true for us and what is not. Our minds have a great ability to lead us off track, particularly if we are sold out to ideals and ways of being that are found outside ourselves. It's about being present with our bodies and having our thinking in alignment with what we are doing, which is simply a state of mindful presence. Take time out for yourself, lovingly prepare nourishing food that will support your body, go to bed early, exercise and, most of all, rest if you need to. Find a good therapist and deal with your issues that you may have buried long ago. By treating yourself in a loving and nuturning way and begining to understand yourself deeply, your feelings of worth will begin to heal. You are gorgeous and amazing deep down. You are not your past experiences or your past choices. The essence of you will never change—it is divine and eternal. So take time to be gentle and kind with yourself, and build a foundation of love that will support you. Opening up to your man will be something you will look forward to as it becomes a celebration of you, of him and the love that you share.
Kate is an experienced clincial hypnotherapist, counsellor and coach, specialising in relationship counselling. To find out more or to get into contact with Kate, go to Sydney Hypnotherapy.