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Signs that your love is unconditional.
By Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and Karen Anderson — Last updated on Jun 20, 2023
Love is grand, isn't it? But what's love if it isn't the real deal? Many people think that real love is unconditional — that is, limitless.
And what is unconditional love, anyway?
Is it even possible? After all, we all evolve throughout our lives, with new priorities, new ways of looking at that the world, and new ideas about right and wrong.
What is unconditional love, really?
First, let's examine unconditional love from the inside out. Allow yourself to experience what it might feel like personally to receive unconditional love and then challenge yourself: Can you provide this experience to another? What does that even look like?
Here's an example. One day while gently meandering through routine moments, you experience a strong and overwhelming desire to share a part of yourself, a part that has delicate threads of shame and vulnerability woven throughout.
Maybe in conversation with your lover or partner, or pillow talk, the moment seems right. You know, those delicate moments that immediately after you may want to dive under the bed and hide. It's scary, but it's a universal feeling if we've been brave enough to share.
How our perception of love evolves
As an adult, unconditional love can be an elusive beacon that we spend much of our lives chasing.
Unconditional love provides us with a safe space where are accepted fully; a relationship in which we can be our authentic selves and be loved empathically receiving empathy and appreciation. When we are loved unconditionally, we grow toward our full potential.
When someone sees us clearly and gives us open acceptance, we find it easier to accept our own issues and move past self-imposed limitations. When we love unconditionally, we offer empathy and support to those we love. We support and inspire the subjects of our love to be as authentic as they can be. We love them through the most difficult of times as well as through times of joy and ease.
The feeling of real human connection
Of course, opening ourselves up to the possibility of real, unconditional love can be terrifying — but it's entirely worth it: So now that you've generated that shameful feeling in your body (after sharing your deepest, truest self), you may find your muscles tightening, your heart racing — you may even want to cry or yell.
But then your partner reaches out, looks at you, and says, "Thanks for sharing that." Maybe they just smile and in that moment the darkest part that felt so flawed doesn't seem quite so dark anymore. You feel loved, you feel truly seen inside and out, and you feel known.
It's that inexplicable moment in time when you get that sense that you are understood and not alone in the world.
If you're willing to do these 10 things, you love someone unconditionally:
1. You feel deep empathy
Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand and experience the feelings of others. When you feel deep empathy for another, you can feel from that person's perspective.
2. You love without 'ifs and buts'
You love the person with all his faults and foibles. You love the person when she is in a bad mood or her behavior is unpleasant.
3. You feel accepted by your partner
This is always true regardless of your mood or state of mind.
4. Your partner's love is ever-present
The feelings you share are not contingent upon you behaving in a certain way or providing some object or service.
5. You are excited to watch the person grow
It excites you to watch them unfold and become more authentic and more creative in the future.
6. You feel your partner's encouragement
They always want you to grow in whatever direction brings you passion and joy.
7. You are encouraged to explore ideas and issues
You can take a risk in the knowledge that your partner will align with you to help you move towards that goal.
8. You are encouraged to expose your thoughts and feelings to the light
You are free to talk about fears and anxieties.
9. You can be who you really are
You feel safe when you expose your most authentic self to your partner.
10. You feel inspired
You never feel discouraged for long or as if someone or something is holding you back. When you love and are loved unconditionally, you can speak your mind without fear of reproach or judgment. You can be your full self without reservation while at the same time, respecting your partner's individual self.
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Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey is a psychologist and intimacy/sex coach who helps individuals, couples, and polyamorous groups create their ideal relationships.