Why You Shouldn't Sleep With Your Ex

By

Why You Shouldn't Sleep With Your Ex [EXPERT]
Having sex with an ex can cause more heartache than healing.

You have officially called it quits. Then, one night, your ex calls and invites you to dinner. You accept the invitation, telling yourself it's a good idea because you want to get your books back from his house anyway. But, if truth be told, you really accepted the invitation because you're feeling lonely. When you arrive at his house, it feels good to be back in familiar territory — food, wine, and conversation flows — and before you know it, you find yourself having a passionate interlude with your ex.

Having sex with an ex is a common phenomenon. It happens more often than you would think, even with those couples who have contemptuous breakups. People have sex with their ex for a variety of reasons, including the following:

 

  • The desire to feel connected to someone firmiliar.
  • An attempt to manipulate to other person into getting back together.
  • Gain back the power they lost in the relationship.
  • To meet sexual needs, without looking for someone new.
  • To boost self-esteem, and get reassurance that they are still desirable.

Although the reasons above reflect normal human desires and motivations, having sex with an ex is rarely a good idea. It blurs the boundaries, delays the process of letting go and moving on, gives one or both parties false hope, and keeps you entrenched in a relationship that ended for good reasons. If you want to have sex with your ex, just be clear on what are your true motivations and intentions. What Is The True Reason Relationships Fail?

In my work with divorcing couples, I have found that once one or both parties are really honest about why they want to engage sexually with each other again, the need and desire for the activity diminishes fairly quickly. This is because the intentions and expectations usually differ between both parties involved. For example, one spouse may want to get their sexual needs met, while the other may want to get back together. Once these differences are fully transparent, one person will usually say "no thanks." Affection Is Key To Keeping Love Alive

More Relationship Advice from YourTango:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Julie Orlov

Counselor/Therapist

Julie Orlov, MAOL, MSW, LCSW
Relationship Builder

Speaker, Psychotherapist, Coach and Author of The Pathway to Love:
Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery
jorlov@julieorlov.com www.julieorlov.com
www.julieorlovconsulting.com
310-379-5855

Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Linked-In

 

Location: Hermosa Beach, CA
Credentials: LCSW, MSW, Other
Other Articles/News by Julie Orlov:

6 Signs of Dating Desperation

By

Nothing turns people off more than desperation and neediness. And if you are getting serious about finding love in 2015, you will want to stay away from people who need you to make themselves whole, fixed, or stable. And you certainly don't want to be a desperate dater yourself. Whether you are a seasoned dater or just staring out after a hiatus, here ... Read more

5 Ways To Get Your Power Back And End Emotional Abuse

By

If you've ever been in a controlling relationship, you know how easy it is to get caught in its web. It usually starts out with a simple suggestion like, "Do you think that outfit is the best you can do for the banquet tonight?" or "I think you're better off ordering the salad," or "You should get a real job and stop all ... Read more

Always Fighting? 5 Reasons You Shouldn't Give Up Just Yet

By

Every couple has their core issues. Some are relatively minor, some are quite serious. Some issues can be handled easily and resolved quickly with simple relationship advice like finding a compromise. For example, a couple may have different needs when it comes to spending time together. One person may require a lot of time on their own, while their partner ... Read more

See More

 
Latest Expert Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular