HINT: It's not because he doesn't love you.
Before launching my relationship coaching business, I spent five years working in Washington DC as an escort. This was a lucrative profession and I was fortunate to have met many wonderful clients and to have accompanied them around the world.
Still, I found this work to be emotionality taxing and a poor choice of profession if I wanted to live a normal life.
Despite these challenges, I’d never take back my days as an escort.
I gained a unique insider perspective in regards to men and how they think, communicate, and rationalize many of their actions. I finally understood why a man that loves his wife is still motivated to cheat.
This work taught me an enormous amount about myself, my previous marriage — and why my own husband left me even though he still loved me. Finally, I understood where I went wrong in my own relationship. In hindsight I saw the warning signs telling me that my marriage was over well before I knew it was.
I now incorporate all that I learned while in the company of married men into my relationship coaching. I help women understand the men in their lives, and be proactive so they can protect the relationships and lives they have built together.
I am not writing about this topic to be controversial, accusatory or boastful. I’m writing to let women like you know that in most cases his cheating has less to do with you and your ability and desire to maintain the relationship, and more to do with him and his own deficiencies and inability to communicate.
On a side note, I have heard other men and surprisingly some women argue that his cheating is due to her ‘letting herself go physically’. If she would just get back into shape, he would be more attracted to her again.
This is a RIDICULOUS argument. It places all the blame and responsibility on her and releases him any responsibility. As if her only obligation in life is to be eye candy and work out seven days a week — give me a break. Most likely, he has put on a few pounds too and has no room to talk about her physical appearance. While her physical appearance or his lack of sexual attraction may be a factor, it is rarely the ONLY reason men cheat.
Ok, so now you are asking why do men REALLY cheat? If it has less to do with her and more to do with him, then what is the problem?
Below, I have listed four reasons or patterns of behavior that explain why men may still cheat as opposed to simply addressing the issues within their own relationship:
1. Men are poor communicators in relationships.
He’s an Ace in many areas, but when it comes to understanding his own feelings and then effectively communicating his feelings with you, he gets an F. If he wants more couple time, sex or spice in the relationship, chances are he’ll try to talk to you about it a few times, but he will quickly loose patience, become resentful, and justify having to go outside the relationship.
2. Men have affairs due to their own insecurities.
I have met many men that have shared with me that they love their wife/girlfriend and the life they have together. They have a great relationship, she is gorgeous and they have a great sex life — yet he STILL sees other women.
In this case, his cheating has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the 6 inches between his head. He feels insecure in one away or another and needs to prove to himself that ‘he’s still got it’ by seeing other women.
3. Men try to avoid conflict in a relationship.
Conflict avoidance is another example of his inability or unwillingness to communicate. Rather than discussing his feeling or needs with you, he’ll choose not to ‘rock the boat’ and instead dodge uncomfortable discussions, questions or hurt feelings and simply seek out another women to compensate for what he feels is missing in your relationship.
4. Men look for the path of least resistance.
From his perspective, it makes little sense to upset you or your relationship by bringing up heated topics. After all, he has to live with you and deal with any negative ramifications for days or weeks.
He rationalizes that instead, he can find a physical relationship on the side to get the small piece of what he’s missing in his real relationship. In his mind this is a win-win. He remains happy because you’re happy and unaware that there is a problem. Life is good and continues on as usual.
So what is the moral or the story here? Why should every woman want to hear what this former escort has to say about your relationship?
The fact is he’d RATHER be getting everything he needs emotionally and sexually from YOU. I promise — he doesn’t want to outsource his physical and emotional needs to someone else. What he really wants is to have the romantic and meaningful sex life the two of you had when you first met.
Unfortunately, if he thinks something is missing in your relationship, he doesn’t always know how to talk to you about it without hurting your feelings and causing conflict. We as women need to be proactive and discuss the relationship with him to determine if both of you are getting what you need.
If he feels like he can be open and honest about his feelings and desires, he is much less likely to feel justified in having an affair.
I hope this article has been helpful in decoding the man in your life. We all know relationships are a two way street and it takes two to maintain the relationship. Having a better understanding of how he thinks and communicates (or in this case doesn’t communicate), is just one more tool to help you protect your relationship and life together.
Jessica Brighton is a former escort turned relationship coach. Learn more about her on her website or contact Jess at email@example.com to set up your ‘virtual coffee with Jess’ session, a free 20 minute call to learn how Jess can help you with your relationship goals.